


To Boldly Go

by jpenn83, jpenn93 (jpenn83)



Series: To Boldly Go [5]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Action, Adventure, Anger, Angst, Anxiety, Breakup, F/F, F/M, Female James T. Kirk, Gen, Hate, Heartbreak, Hurt, Love, M/M, OH man the triggers beware, PTSD, Paranoia, Rejection, Romance, Sex, Soulmates, Survival, Torture, Triggers, and the cussing, as always happiness in the end, becuase it gets there, bond, bondmate, but look for the light at the end, cliche not cliche, femkirk, implied rape, it will get dark and bleak, mature language, tarsus, there is one sex scene for now sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-05-29 11:59:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 70,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6373870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jpenn83/pseuds/jpenn83, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jpenn83/pseuds/jpenn93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**Not complete, will be coming back to this at a later date**What's a female captain gotta do to prove herself? Her first officer has put some MAJOR distance between them since she came back from the dead, even if she was only dead for a little bit. Some Starfleet Admiral(s) don't want her as a captain because they're too sexist to get over themselves, and in between it all she's doubting herself internally. Wondering, what else can go wrong? A lot, that's what. Will Captain Jaemisen Tara Kirk be able to overcome the sexism, the heartache, and action packed missions that are supposed to be peaceful? Will she be able to boldly go where no man, or woman, has gone before?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tango for Firstblood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Jaemi Kirk fights to prove herself worthy of parlay with the male-centric Tangata Empire against their most fearsome warrior Nui'Toa.

                James T. Kirk. It’s a man’s name. It’s what my father wanted to name me before he found out I wasn’t a boy. Even with all the technological advancement in the 23rd century, somehow, I managed to hide just right to where my sex was unknown. It was assumed I would be a boy, maybe because both my parents wanted me to be, like my older brother Sam. I don’t know. What I do know is my name is not, thankfully, James T. Kirk. Even though, somehow, people still forget that my father and mother didn’t have another son, that they had a daughter instead. My mother had then opted for a different yet similar name. Jaemisen. A female spelling of a unisex name lending towards the masculine thought. Jaemisen Tara Kirk. Not what my father would have named his second son, but close enough. 

                It’s times like these, when I’m sitting in the captain’s chair, preparing for another diplomatic mission, that I think maybe I wish I had been born a boy. Maybe then the admiralty wouldn’t be so concerned about sending off a female captain to do a “man’s” job. Maybe then my first officer wouldn’t be so concerned with allowing me to do MY job as captain. I’m still, to this day, dumfounded how the admiralty couldn’t find an excuse not to take me out of the captain’s chair. Most of them don’t see it possible that a woman can be a captain, especially captain of the flagship. It’s sexist, I know. But shit, even I don’t understand how they allowed me to continue on as captain.

                My only question to them was, how, in the 23rd century, are we still allowing gender stereotypes to exist?

                I guess between being unable to answer my question, and the amazing publicity that came from having a female captain directly involved in saving Earth, twice, allowed me to keep my captaincy.

                It’s times like these, however, with diplomatic missions, I find myself almost wishing they could have found an excuse. But then again, because Spock randomly decided that I didn’t exactly “cheat” on his test and he withdrew his complaint, and because of the aforementioned reasons, I am sitting in the captain’s chair, decidedly ignoring what Lt. Uhura is saying about the latest mission.

                “Captain? Are you even listening to a word I’m saying?” She asks, annoyed.

                “Of course, Lt. You just said that this race doesn’t really do too well with the idea of women being in charge. Should I have expected anything less from Admiral…you know who.” I didn’t even turn around to look at her. I knew there were going to be missions which the admiralty would assign in an attempt to find a way to remove me from the chair. Or kill me. Either way they wouldn’t have a female captain with a penchant to break rules. I turned around finally when Uhura spoke next.

                “I’m sure he would just _love_ to get rid of you. And you almost slipped, by the way.” She chastised me. It was a rule we didn’t mention the name(s) of anyone who had plots against me. Purely for plausible deniability amongst the other crew. The only reason Uhura knew was, well two reasons. One, she was the chief communications officer, and as such, she had access to EVERY communication that passed through the ship’s servers. Two, was Spock. It was kind of hard to keep anything from her regardless of being in an intimate relationship with her, which, Spock was.

                “Yeah, I know. So anyway, what else am I supposed to do? He obviously assigned the one mission he knew I would be incapable to complete. I have to try anyway. Besides, you know me, I don’t believe in no-win scenarios. This is just such a scenario.”

                “Captain, if I may?” Spock finally chose that moment to interrupt our conversation.

                “What is it now, Spock?” I sighed. He hadn’t given me a moment’s rest since the very first time we saved Earth. If anything, he’d gotten worse. I didn’t understand it. I mean, I’d already sacrificed my life to save the crew. I’d actually _died_ to save them, but Bones had other ideas. Miraculous and completely against regulation ideas. Using Khan’s augmented blood to save my life. Well, it worked, and who could fault him for that? Honestly? There haven’t been any side-effects, so he got off the hook with the medical board about his crazy and unorthodox methods.

                Maybe that was why Spock seemed to question my every word lately?

                “I believe it would be prudent to allow me to intercede on your behalf for this particular mission, captain.” Spock said, looking up at me from his station. His face was cold, expressionless, but I knew better. He didn’t want me to screw it up, thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

                “That won’t be necessary, Mr. Spock. The negotiations will commence per the Admiral’s instructions.” I said simply, noticing the defiant, well defiant for a Vulcan, face Spock looked at me with.

                “Captain, you know the Tangata will only discuss matters of state with men.” Spock argued.

                “And you know they will only deal with the one who is in charge, which, like it or not Spock, is me, not you.” I seethed.

                “If you were to become ill, captain, then technically I would be in charge. As your first officer it is my duty to act as captain on your behalf when you yourself cannot.”

                “I thought Vulcan’s couldn’t lie, Spock.”

                “We cannot.” He supplied, his jaw clenching. Did he really think I’d fall for something that simple?

                “Then what you suggest is impossible and _illogical_ as I am not Ill.” I retorted, using his own justifications against him. “Besides, if I don’t complete this mission myself, you know it’s just an excuse for the Admiral to take me out of the chair. Do you want the captain’s chair, Spock?” I asked, goading him a little.

                “You know I do not desire to be captain, as it would hinder my abilities as a science officer.”

                “Well then, I guess we agree on something after all. You don’t want to be captain, and I want to continue being captain. I guess we’ll just have to make this work.” I said in victory, smiling. I turned to Uhura. “Contact the Tangata and request permission to assume standard orbit, Lt.”

                “Already done. Permission granted, captain.” She replied, albeit a bit too happily. Part of me wondered what she thought about this mission. She seemed to be in irregular high spirits about it. Did she want me removed from the captain’s chair? Probably. But it seemed to be something deeper than that as well. It was almost as if she wanted me to succeed. As a woman, she didn’t like the sexism appropriated within Starfleet, and by extension, the Tangata either.

 In fact, she seemed pretty happy when I declared that any female wishing to wear the male uniform while aboard the Enterprise was free to do so. Spock had argued that it was against Starfleet regulations. I argued that the amount of sexual harassment and assault reports would drop. They did. I sure as hell wasn’t comfortable wearing the female uniform, and, well, as a result, I wouldn’t make it a requirement for any other female to do so. Of course, there were still many female crew members that kept wearing the female uniform, but that was their choice, and I respected it.

“Spock, join me in my ready room. Lt. Sulu, you have the con.” I said, needing to discuss with him the details of the mission with the Tangata. I needed him to understand the importance of why I was going to do exactly what Starfleet wanted, in my own way of course.

“How was I supposed to know that they would want me to prove myself by means of personal combat?” I screamed at Spock in the private room the Tangata had decided to give us to prepare for single combat. Thankfully, it wouldn’t be to the death, just until blood was drawn or someone was knocked unconscious.

In the center of the room with weapon lined walls was a small circular table. On the table were garments. Apparently I was supposed to change into those garments. I didn’t like it.

“Both Lt. Uhura and myself attempted to inform you of this, despite the information clearly being written in the mission brief.” Spock replied coolly. Translation: you should’ve known better.

“Yeah, I get it, I should have known better. But honestly, did you expect anything else from me?” I jibed. Grabbing the garments from the small table I held them up. They were scant more than undergarments. A shade of utilitarian tan, just a small bra like top and the shortest shorts I have ever seen. “Turn around, I need to change.”

He looked at me then, almost imperceptible, but if he were human he would have sighed. A moment of silence, not long, but there. He broke eye contact before replying. “Fight well, captain,” was his final statement before he turned to allow me to change. I did. I was uncomfortable. I searched the weapon lined room for something, anything that I could cover myself with for the moment, conveniently there was a dark blue soft looking robe hanging from the a hook by the door. I grabbed it and garbed myself with it. The robe itself felt… wonderful. It was floor length, light, and silk. It was almost a nightgown. I didn’t understand it. It was… delicate, definitely not something I would have expected to be hanging in a room full of weapons.

“You know, I might just loose, you can call me Jaemi when we’re alone, Spock.” I sighed, wishing I didn’t have to fight, but knowing I had to. A personal moment, gone as quickly as it came, no reply from Spock, and I wasn’t going to push the issue. I needed to get focused.

It was funny, in an ironic sort of way. For a culture that was so technologically advanced, we would be using an ancient method of fighting. We would be fighting with swords. I needed to choose my weapon carefully.

I looked around the weapon lined room, searching. Swords were on the rear wall, the furthest away from the door. There were long swords, or at least what would compare to Terran long swords. There were broadswords. There were even some true Terran weapons. Oriental blades. I was small, petite, and lithe. I needed to choose a weapon that could defend the terrifying blows of a man at least twice my size and strength without breaking my blade. I needed a blade that I could move easily, fluidly, that didn’t take strength to wield. All the fencing lessons with Lt. Sulu were about to pay off.

As I scanned the wall of swords I felt Spock come to stand beside me. His arm lifted towards the wall and took hold of s sword I had never seen the like of before.

“You many consider this.” He held it out to me, motioning me to take it from him. He was staring at me oddly, but I just shrugged it off. He was probably irritated with me. Not that he would ever admit to it, because, Vulcans do not get irritated.

I did so and I was surprised by its light weight. It certainly looked heavier than it felt. I tested its balance in both my hands, moving it around. Its blade was curved, not unlike a scimitar, but not quite as severely, and the blade itself was shorter than what a scimitar would have been, allowing for slashing, and if absolutely necessary, stabbing. Although stabbing would have been a last resort with this type of blade, and would be hard pressed to do. I ran my fingers along the blade softly, not wanting to accidently cut myself, which was a good thing, as I noted both edges were sharp. I took the sword in my right hand, backing away from Spock and swung it, testing its maneuverability and balance some more. It was indeed very light, and its balance was perfect, almost as if the exotic blade was crafted specifically for me. It was a shame the only style of sword fighting I knew was fencing, I wouldn’t be able to use the same moves with this blade, but it was almost as if I instinctively knew how to wield it.

I slashed the air more, not paying attention to my first officer. The blade felt…right in my hands, as if it knew me and I knew it. I wondered who had crafted such a blade, what world did it come from? Surely not from Earth.

When I was finished testing the blade I decided I would use this one. Spock walked towards me once more, a smaller blade in his hand, almost a knife, it was so small. Perfect for extremely close contact. I sheathed my chosen blade and placed it on the small round table in the center of the room.

“This should also serve you well.” He held out the small knife to me. It was ornate in decoration. Jewels of rubies and sapphires adorning its golden hilt. It was a dagger, I realized, in closer inspection, taking the blade from his hand. A large dagger, with an almost straight blade, curved slightly at the end, again double edged. It was then that I realized its hilt matched the oddly crafted blade he had chosen for me. They were a pair.

“Um, thanks. You chose well.” I said, awkwardly, noticing his intense gaze as I tied the dagger to myself. I picked up the sword from the table and tied it to me as well.

Before he could respond, the door opened. A female Tangata servant announced his presence.

“It is time. I will escort you to the hall where the match will take place. Please, follow me.” I nodded in acceptance. I was…slightly nervous. It was an odd sensation. I never got nervous, well, not noticeably so anyway. But I felt it then. Then I got angry as we walked towards the hall. I was fighting for my right to be heard, a right I shouldn’t have to fight for. The feeling of nervousness remerged. I could lose.

We stopped at the entrance to the hall.

“You,” the Tangata servant looked towards me, “will enter here.” She gestured towards the double doors in front of us. “You must follow me to take seats and observe the match.” She looked at Spock, who was looking at me. He was… irritated? Probably, because I’d gotten myself into this mess. Concerned? Surely only because of the Federation’s interest in obtaining the dilithium crystals from the Tangata.

“I’ll be fine, Spock. It’ll be over before you know it.” I offered him a weak smile of reassurance. He didn’t reply. He merely looked at me hard.

“Follow me, please, sir.” The female Tangata servant said. Spock paused, momentarily, before moving to follow. His hard gaze saying more than any words he could have ever uttered. Don’t screw this up, that look said. Don’t lose. At least, that’s what I thought it said.

He followed the Tangata servant and I was left alone in front of the double doors wondering what awaited me on the other side.

The doors opened inwardly. Apparently the match was to begin.

“Enter, Jaemisen Tara Kirk.” A deep thunderous voice sounded, piercing through the silence. I walked through the doors and was amazed at what I saw.

It was almost like a depiction of a Roman arena. Just on a much smaller scale. The hall was silent. Observers sat high in seats raised above the floor level on which I was walking. A wall surrounded the room, the observers sat, it seemed, on top of this wall, kept safe from whatever happened on the floor level.  I continued walking towards the center of the room, where two very large men stood. One, it was obvious, would be the officiator. He was clothed in robes and didn’t have a huge sword strapped to his back. The other man, was much bigger. He was practically naked. He wasn’t wearing a robe like I was.

Every single one of the spectators’ eyes were on me. It was still silent, though, and I almost wish it hadn’t been. The room’s tension was almost palpable. Many of the Enterprise crew had apparently been invited down to watch. I doubt they were given much choice. Someone better be up there who can run that damn ship, I thought to myself quickly. I continued to walk towards my opponent and the officiator. My opponent looked… gruesome. I was betting the Tangata Emperor picked the biggest and meanest looking man in hopes to intimidate me. He succeeded. I was intimidated. But I wasn’t about to back down. I could do this. I HAD to do this. I didn’t believe in no-win scenarios and I wasn’t about to start believing in them now.

As soon as I reached the two men in the center of the room the…Emperor, he was the one who announced my arrival and bid me enter the room, how appropriate, started speaking again. I chanced a glance towards my opponent and felt instantly dwarfed. He really was twice my size in height. How the hell is that even possible? I quickly shifted my gaze towards the Emperor. He was speaking and it would be disrespectful if I weren’t listening.

“To earn her right to parlay with us, as a man ought to, and because she is the captain, Jaemisen Tara Kirk will now enter into single combat with our most fearsome warrior, Nui’Toa. This single combat will not be to the death, as is normal, for the sake of both our worlds, but until blood is drawn or loss of consciousness. May the best competitor win.” He smiled. He actually smiled. It wasn’t a genuine smile, for he looked right at me then, down from his throne like chair in the spectator’s area. His look was one of assurance. He didn’t think I could win against their, he had said, most fearsome warrior. He didn’t think a woman could win. Well, guess I’d have to prove him wrong.

The officiator took a step back from Nui’Toa and myself, looking at both of us. “You are allowed any method of striking that is not lethal. You are permitted to break bones, but not the legs. You are allowed to slash, in order to draw blood, but you may not stab,” I guess my weapon would be more suitable for that than his, for he had a large single edged straight blade, not doubt he could use it well, but my weapon was far more suited to slashing than his.

“You may not exact more pressure than is necessary for a superficial cut, although, we do have medical personnel standing by in the event such a cut is made. We understand, accidents do happen.” His voice was light, almost humorous in his delivery. No doubt he expected this fight to be over quickly, and me to lose.

“One more rule. You may not break for water or rest until the match has concluded with either first blood or loss of consciousness.” Great. “Miss Kirk,” the officiator turned to me specifically, not calling me by my rank, I wouldn’t earn that right unless I won, “please remove your robe now.”

 I looked at him for a moment, defiantly. But of course, as my opponent was nearly naked, I also needed to be, it would only be fair. Not that a blade wouldn’t cut right through the robe to my skin, but it _was_ an extra layer. I hesitatingly disrobed, instantly feeling naked. I was now baring more skin than I ever had in public before, despite certain rumors. I was embarrassed, I realized, that my crew should see me so vulnerable. I handed him the robe and he spoke once more.

“Should you win,” he looked at me with such a look that said, you won’t win, but I have to say this anyway, “you are permitted to keep the robe, your current garments, and your weapons of choice, as is our custom.” I looked at him, incredulous. Well, I better win, I have to. And, keeping the robe would be pretty sweet, as well as the sword. Its blade seemed to come to life beneath my hands earlier, hopefully it would do the same for me during the match. “You may begin the fight once I depart from the floor.” He bowed to me then to Nui’Toa and walked off, heading for the double doors I came in from.

Once the doors closed Nui’Toa turned towards me and bowed. I bowed in return, guessing it was customary, as such practices often were. He spoke then, “good luck, Jaemisen Kirk, for you will need it.” His voice wasn’t unkind. He seemed sincere. And in that moment, I wished I had been fighting someone else. For all the Tangata I had met before the match looked down at me, as if I were less than they were. He didn’t seem the kind of… person that thought women were the weaker sex. I respected him for that.

“And luck to you as well, Nui’Toa, for you may need it as much as I.” My tone wasn’t belittling, it wasn’t boastful, I noticed. It was respectful, formal almost. He nodded to me and I did the same. We took our stances, and I realized, I would need all the luck I could get. The hall of spectators fell away and the only thing that existed for me was my opponent.

We circled each other for the first few moments. Neither of us wanting to be the attacker. He was smart, decisive, I could tell. He watched me, observing the way my feet fell as we circled each other. We would be dancing with each other. A dangerous dance, thankfully not a lethal one. I watched him in return. I noticed he favored his left side, his dominant side. I wouldn’t have been prepared for his initial rush if I hadn’t noticed the glimmer in his eyes, his right foot taking a step forward, his weight shifting. He saw an opening I had left him on purpose, to attract his attack.

He rushed in, his sword at his side still, hoping to slash my lower leg. I moved to the side, just barely, enough I could feel his heat as he passed me. The dance was on.

He steadied himself from the initial rush. He hadn’t put much speed into it, and I realized, he WAS slower than I was. He was huge, stronger than me, but this made him slower. I could use this to my advantage.

I feinted as if I would rush him, making him sidestep slightly. He understood his weakness, which would make it more difficult to use it to my advantage. I needed to be precise in my tactics. I couldn’t afford to misstep once, or he would use his strength against my speed. But he didn’t think I was as fast as I was, for my feint in allowing him to sidestep I spun around him, raising my blade to my chest level, I reached out to slash him, but he brought his sword up just in time to deflect the attack. The move was almost choreographed. We danced again.

I realized then I would not be able to attack him from the front either.

He backed away from my radius. We circled once more. It was his turn to attack, and I knew he would, this was how we would dance; taking turns leading and following. It was almost elegant. We took turns five more times, each of us going for the attack and defending it in what appeared to be just the nick of time. A perfect foreplay in the silence. It was… intoxicating to a degree. Each move becoming more complex than the last, each defense becoming harder to bear and more elegant in its approach. My blade swinging deftly against his. The strength of his attack weakening my arm, my speed countering his strength. Neither of us could make contact with the other. It was a perfect dance.

I could tell he was gaining respect for me as much as I was for him. He truly didn’t underestimate his opponents, but he hadn’t quite thought I would be as… talented as I was. In truth, I didn’t think I would be either. But there was something, something intangible that allowed me to move with him, against him, to him. Something that allowed this combat to be more, and less. A dance more exhilarating than tango ever could be. I reveled in it.

He rushed my side this time, almost coming up behind me, and I spun at the last second. My blade arcing to meet his, he’d decided to use his strength and attack from above, his sword held high in an eagle hold. I deflected his attack by using his momentum against him. Instead of trying to use my strength against his to stop his advanced, I used the blade in my hands, both on the hilt, and I willed him to my side, sending him almost stumbling away. I caught a smile from him, it was quick, and gone as soon as I noticed it. He was enjoying this. I flashed my own smile of appreciation to him as well when we began another round of circling each other. He caught it, his eyes made contact with mine, his gaze deep, dark, and inviting. This was his realm. He was in his element, and I noticed, that with him, I was in mine as well.

I moved to make my attack, I spun around him, almost in a ballet like move, thanking my middle school teacher for suggesting it to me, and my accepting the class as time spent away from Frank. He spun to meet me, but I wasn’t done with my move. I dipped, still spinning, not thinking of attacking, merely thinking of dancing. But he couldn’t move with me, his sheer size not allowing for such a sophisticated counter. I knew then I needed to attack, I needed to bring my blade up slightly, almost imperceptibly, just to graze his leg enough to cause a minor cut.

I did. And there, almost invisible to my eye, I saw a drop of blood. He didn’t seem to notice at first, his body moving through my hesitation, his face finding mine in confusion. He followed my gaze to his lower calf, he stopped in realization. He brought his face up to meet my gaze once more. He displayed shock? Anger? Respect? All of the above? No.

He was impressed.

He stood, fully erect, facing me forward now. He bowed. “The match is yours, Captain Kirk.” His voice was deep, almost breathy.

I bowed in return. “I applaud your skill, Nui’Toa.” I replied in an even tone.

We stared at each other a moment, infinitesimal though it was, and in his eyes I saw what I had been wanting most from my crew. Acceptance. Respect. But there was something else too, almost undetectable… desire?

“The match is won. Captain Jaemisen Tara Kirk has drawn first blood.” The Emperor’s voice sounded in the silence. He was… irritated. Annoyed. He didn’t think I could have won, didn’t want me to. He had no choice now but to hear my words. To treat me as an equal, for I had proven myself to him in front of his people. I barely heard him, I was still locked in eye contact with Nui’Toa.

“I look forward to meeting you again, captain.” Nui’Toa said softly.

“I would be honored. And please, call me Jaemi.” I replied. I didn’t know where this was coming from. The dance maybe? I was… attracted to him, I realized, as he was to me.

“As you wish… Jaemi.” His voice speaking my name then… it was elating, compulsive, enchanting. One word, my name from his lips, I needed to look away, but I couldn’t.

The double doors swung open and the officiator walked through them, causing me to break my eye contact with Nui’Toa. He reached us quickly.

“Your robe, captain.” The officiator held it out to be. I quickly put it on, realizing again how naked I felt. I hadn’t felt it during the match, after, looking into the eyes of my opponent. But I felt it now. A rush of heat found my face and I probably blushed bright red. “You are permitted to keep the weapons and garments as is our custom. Please, follow me, we are to meet with the Emperor and his council to discuss matters of state.” I nodded, then turned my head to look at Nui’Toa once more. It was strange to feel such an attachment to him, after fighting him, dancing with him. I didn’t know him, and he didn’t know me. But in that time we had waltzed with each other, blade against blade, spin to spin, we had formed a bond. A bond of warriors, a bond of some kind anyway. I turned away, following the officiator through the double doors.

In another life, another place, another time, Nui’Toa and I could have made a great team. Great partners. I was saddened by my leaving him. Knowing that that time was not ours. But I had a team, I had a life, and it was not here. Not with him.

                “Enterprise, two to beam up.” I said through the communicator. The diplomatic session with the Tangata had gone well. We got what the Federation wanted and signed an agreement with the Emperor and his council. I had proven my place and no one spoke of it after the Emperor’s quick congratulations. I did what the Admiral thought I wouldn’t be capable of. I, a female, made concessions with the patriarchal ruling civilization of Tangata.

We appeared on the transporter pad and I felt a twinge of sadness. I left the room after thanking Scotty, noticing his eyes widen at my apparel and walked swiftly to my quarters. Spock followed silently, no doubt he wanted to make sure I would fill out the report satisfactorily.

                I stopped at my door and turned around. “You coming in?” I asked Spock. He nodded and I opened the door to my personal quarters inputting my complex code.

                “Look, I know you think I shouldn’t have done what I did, but I needed to. And I did what needed to be done. The Admiral is probably not going to believe that the Emperor willingly held council with me, but it’s the truth.” I sighed, plopping myself on my bed after taking off the weapons tied to me and placing them on my desk. Spock merely stood there, staring at me. “What? I’ll fill out the report, I’ll even send it to you so you can look over it and change the crap I know you always do anyway.” He kept staring at me. “You wanted to say something? Chide me for fighting? It was the only way, Spock.” He kept staring. “What? Spit it out!”

                “I merely wanted to offer my congratulations on your match, captain. You performed… admirably.” He conceded. I shot him a look of confusion.

                “Wait, what?” Did he just offer me a compliment?

                “I- I am pleased at the outcome of the agreement with the Tangata and the Federation, captain.” He said coldly.

                “Pleased, Spock?” I asked in disbelief.

                “I did not consider your skill in single combat. I was… concerned the match would not end favorably. It is satisfactory that it did.” His jaw clenched in… irritation? Annoyance? Was he uncomfortable?

                “Yeah, me too. Federation’s got its dilithium crystals and we have peace again with the Tangata Empire. I only had to fight someone twice my size and strength practically naked because I’m a woman, but hey, all’s well that ends well.”

                “You fought well.” Was his simple reply.

                “Eh, it wasn’t really a fight, more of a dance. And I barely won. Just a small cut, like a papercut really.” I sighed, lowered my head, saddened at leaving Nui’Toa. For such a short acquaintance, I would miss him. I respected him. He respected me, despite my being a woman, he looked as if he found me his equal.

                “Captain, may I ask a personal query?” Spock broke my sad mood, I looked back up at him.

                “Sure.”

                “You seem… disappointed. Why?”

                I thought about my answer for a few moments. Apparently long enough to make Spock reconsider asking his question.

                “If you prefer not to answer…”

                “No, it’s not that,” I sighed, wondering what made him decide to get all personal with me all of a sudden, as if he didn’t hate me, as if he didn’t find me distasteful. As if somehow my momentary death hadn’t put a huge gap of distance between us. “I guess, I’m just kind of… sad? I don’t know. The only person who respected me tonight, was Nui’Toa.” I said, realizing I referred to him by his name, not, ‘my opponent’ or something else.

                “The man you fought against?” Spock asked in clarification. I didn’t understand why. He knew who I meant. His memory was perfect.

                “Yes. Nui’Toa, especially being Tangata, didn’t just see me as a female, as unworthy. He didn’t see me as just the girl who would be captain. He didn’t see me as… less. He saw me. I mean really, truly saw me. Even though we knew nothing about each other. Even though his culture should have made him look down upon me. He didn’t underestimate me, like I thought he might have, and he didn’t go easy on me, even though most people probably would have. He fought against me as if I were his equal, and he saw me as that. I know it doesn’t make sense how I know that, but I just do. He accepted me for me and nothing else. And at the end, well, I think we could have been… friends? Partners? Lovers maybe? I don’t know. I guess, it’s just hard to come by that type of person. Someone who doesn’t see what everyone else wants them to see, but sees through the bullshit and gets it. Gets you. I wouldn’t have minded being with him in another life, another place, another time, I guess.”

                He looked at me with his jaw clenched and he’d moved his hands from his side to their normal placed behind his back. I sighed.

                “Sorry, you probably don’t even understand what I mean. I guess I’m just trying to say it was nice to be seen that way. Respected that way. I don’t know. Anyway, we’ve gotta write these reports, so we should probably do that. Just, uh, let me change into my uniform real quick.” I stood up then, taking off the robe and walking to the closet to hang it up. I took a uniform out, a male uniform, and turned around, placing it on the bed.

                I noticed Spock was still standing there. He was looking at me intensely. Staring at me with his deep brown eyes. His look was dark, scanning me. I locked eyes with him, confused at the look.

                “Of course, captain. I will allow you to dress.” He said suddenly, then turned around. He walked through the door of my room, and not the shared bathroom to exit.

                What the hell was that about?

 


	2. The Space Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Enterprise crew finds a peculiar object in the middle of empty space and can't get any readings from it. Jaemi talks to Bones about stuff. There's some notable space between her and Spock and she lets it get to her.

                Writing an email to Spock to look at my report and fix anything he deemed _logical_ to fix seemed… impersonal. It was, however, necessary. Maybe he was right about putting some distance between us. I was…confused.

                Confused because in such a short time I’d grown… attracted to a member of an alien race in a way I didn’t understand, couldn’t fathom how it was possible. After all, he was my _opponent_ , the person I was _fighting_ to prove my ability as a leader… as a warrior.

                Though the fight hadn’t really been a fight, per say, as much as a dance, it was still, a fight. To draw first-blood. I couldn’t discount that. But there was something there. The way he didn’t hold back because I was a woman. The way he locked eyes with me just before the match, and even more so afterwards. I couldn’t let go of it. He had respected me, had not underestimated me. And for most people this wouldn’t be a big deal. But for me, it was the biggest deal. The best deal.

                To not be immediately discounted due to my gender. To not be immediately looked down upon, as if I was unworthy. Surely, this had been something ingrained in him as a warrior, but it _meant_ something to me. In such a short time of acquaintance, as almost enemies, but not quite, he had given me more than _anyone_ had in my life. With the exception of Pike, of course. But Pike was gone, and I didn’t have that anymore.

                Sure, I’d gained some respect after helping to save Earth. But it had literally taken saving the world to gain _some_ respect. And still, it was painfully obvious based on that last mission with the Tangata Empire that I hadn’t quite gained the respect I needed. And then there was Khan.

                Khan Noonien Singh. That name still made me shiver in anger. And twinge with sadness… regret. On some level I could commiserate with Khan. But he had killed Pike. And my anger over that one death, above all the rest, however _illogical_ Spock may have found it, overpowered any sadness or regret I might feel towards that frozen popsicle of a man. I almost started a war because of that anger. I would have, if I hadn’t had the time to come to my senses.

                But defeating him. Bringing him to frozen justice. That had gained some respect. Well, maybe not that. I had _died_ saving my crew. I had given my life, freely, to save everyone. And that, that ultimate sacrifice, still hadn’t been _enough_ for some people. In fact, that sacrifice cost me more than one friendship. Spock’s being the hardest felt.

                But none of that mattered. I hadn’t had to _prove_ myself to Nui’Toa. I didn’t have to go above and beyond for him. I simply had to be. That was it. And then after the match, after I had barely _grazed_ him. His respect for me cemented into something real. Something almost palpable. That had meant something.

                So here I sit, writing an email because after that mission, after writing the report and doing the necessary paperwork, I couldn’t bear to be in Spock’s presence. I couldn’t bear to have him looking over my report with me sitting right next to him, having him go over it with a fine-tooth comb, and criticize every little part that he found less than satisfactory. I just couldn’t do it. Not right now. Even if it was the right thing, the best thing to do. I couldn’t stand to know that the person who knows me best out of anyone on this ship, not that he knows much about me in reality, show how little I meant. How little I was compared to him. To feel that palpable distance even when the space between us was physically minute.

                So here I was writing a damn email. An email that was so distant, so professional, just to gain some clarity and peace of mind. I was taking the time to relax and calm myself before reporting to the bridge.

**_To: Spock, T’chn S’gai, Commander, U.S.S. Enterprise_ **

**_From: Kirk, Jaemisen T., Captain, U.S.S. Enterprise_ **

**_//_ **

**_I have attached my official report to this email. If you would, please proofread and edit. I will report to the bridge in approximately two hours. Please send me a return document with your corrections and adjustments made and also forward the report to Starfleet._ **

**_Also, update me if you get to the bridge before I do._ **

**_Thank You,_ **

**_Jaemisen Kirk._ **

                There. It was done. Now I could relax for a bit. Take a nice hot shower. Wash my hair. Change out of Tangata Underwear. Maybe sit in my nice robe that still held a faint smell of Nui’Toa from when he stood so close to me after the match.

                A hot shower was just what I needed. I felt… refreshed. Ready to go. But I still had about an hour before reporting back to the bridge. I knew it was in good hands, we had returned to star charting after the conclusion of the diplomatic relations with the Tangata Empire.

                I walked over to the replicator in my room, ready to replicate a simple meal when my PADD went off on the bed.

                An email. From Spock. Only about thirty minutes after I had sent mine. Nothing to account for Vulcan speed and efficiency.

**_To: Kirk, Jaemisen T., Captain, U.S.S. Enterprise_ **

**_From: Spock, T’chn S’gai, Commander, U.S.S. Enterprise_ **

**_//_ **

**_I have read through and edited your report as requested, captain. Only minor changes in spelling and formatting were made. The report has been forwarded to Starfleet and I have attached a file to this email as per your request._ **

**_The status on the bridge is unremarkable. We have resumed star charting._ **

**_V/R_ **

**_First Officer Spock_ **

                Hmm. Ok. Well, meal time I guess. I walked over to the replicator again, determined to eat something really unhealthy now instead of just a simple meal. Bones would kill me, but I wanted something with bacon. Not that anything from the replicator was actually unhealthy… but just the thought of bacon sounded good.

                My PADD beeped again just as I sat down at my table with my meal. I walked over to grab it and returned to the table. This time it was an instant message from Bones.

**_Bones:_ **

**_Get your ass down to sickbay. Spock said you were unharmed, but that you wanted to change. Which is the only reason why I’ve given you enough time to shower. Now get down here like you were supposed to do when you got back and let me do my damn job._ **

                I had programmed the IM application on my personal PADD to show up with his nickname. Sometimes I laugh at myself for my genius when his name pops up because his is the only one to do so. I replied.

**_Me:_ **

**_Can a girl eat? Sheesh. If you really want to check on me, come to my room. I could use a quick drink anyway._ **

**_Bones:_ **

**_Drinking before going on the bridge? Do I need to get Spock to tell you how many regulations that violates?! What happened down there that you want a drink?_ **

**_Me:_ **

**_Nothing. I’d just rather you come here then force me to go to sickbay just to have you tell me I’m fine, which I already know. Thought you might like to share a drink with me._ **

**_Bones:_ **

**_Fine. I have hypos on standby though, just so you know. I’ll be there in five minutes._ **

                Oh Bones. My favorite doctor, and the doctor that I hated too. My unconditionally best friend. True to his word, five minutes later, after I’d scarfed down the evidence of my ‘unhealthy’ meal, he comes barging in my room. Not even bothering to knock or ring the bell.

                “How the hell did you just get in here?” I ask, not even bothering to get up from the table. I know, but it’s a game we like to play.

                “Medical override. You know that,” He says. He reaches the table and plops a half drank bottle of bourbon on the table. My hero.

                “You’re only supposed to use that for emergencies.” I reply as he pulls out his tricorder and starts his customary scan.

                “You needing a drink before reporting to the bridge isn’t an emergency?” He asks. The scan completes and he comments. “Well, as I suspected, you sprained an ankle, though I guess it’s the best shape you’ve ever returned to the ship in. You should’ve come straight to sickbay.” He sits down across the table after grabbing two glasses from my dresser. Our two glasses.

                “Like I said. I’m fine.” He poured us each a small drink and handed me one.

                “Yeah, whatever. Something’s bothering you and I know it ain’t your ankle. But, go easy for a few days, the sprain isn’t bad, but no need to make it worse.”

                “Yes, dad.” I say as sarcastically as I can.

                “Spill. What’s got you so tense?” He asks. I hesitate. If Nui’Toa was the one person who respected me for me, Bones was the one person who I could turn to for anything. He didn’t immediately respect me, it had taken a bit of time at first, but he loved me in the way an older brother did. He stood by me, held me up when I felt like falling, and most amazingly of all, didn’t let my death stop him from healing me, bringing me back to life.

                “Nui’Toa.” I acquiesced.

                “Huh?” Was his simple questioning reply.

                “He was the one who I had to fight against.” I said simply. “He was… different.” I offered after he glared at me, telling me my explanation wasn’t enough.

                “Kid, you’re not telling me everything.”

                “Yeah, well there isn’t anything else to tell. He’s the only one that hasn’t dismissed me for being a woman, or expected me to be awesome, or fail. He expected me to fight. I did. He respected my skill when I won. He didn’t berate me before the match. And he wasn’t a sore loser afterwards. Nothing to tell, Bones.”

                “Yeah, well, while all that might be true something else is bothering you. Pointy said you emailed him asking him to look over your report. He was in sickbay when he got it, don’t look at me all crazy like. HE actually followed protocol, well almost, after he saw you to your room anyway. I saw the email when he pulled out his PADD.”

                “Why did he have his PADD with him in sickbay? He didn’t have it on him when he left my room.”

                “Must’ve got it from his before reporting to sickbay. Anyway, you guys always work on your reports together, and YOU would’ve gone straight to the bridge after changing, not tell the hobgoblin you’d be there in two hours. What’s going on?”

                “Nothing, Bones. I’m fine.”

                “Do I need to quote pointy here? Tell me what’s going on. Don’t force me to declare you compromised.”

                There it was. The empty threat that always made me spill everything to him. As much as I loved Bones, I hated him sometimes too. “I just… I needed some time.”

                “What?”

                “Like I said, I needed time. Time to myself before going back to that crazy mess. Time to reorient myself to people constantly looking over my shoulder, constantly questioning my ability, constantly questioning me.”

                “Jaemi. No one is questioning your ability to captain this ship and crew.”

                “Bullshit. You know that as well as I do. I may have helped save Earth. Twice. But that hasn’t stopped anyone from looking at me sideways when I walk in the room. The bridge… the only one there that doesn’t act like I’m some sort of misplaced unwanted piece of forgotten mail is Sulu.” I took a deep breath, trying to reign in my agitation, but failing.

“Chekov is just scared to talk to anyone on the bridge unless he’s working on some crazy ass physics shit. When Uhura’s not looking at her console she’s shooting daggers at me. And then there’s Spock.” Another deep breath, another failure.

“And the only thing he can do when he’s not actively avoiding me or anything I say that isn’t work related is question my decisions. And you’re saying that no one is questioning my ability as a captain? Even the Admiral questions my ability. He practically sent me on a suicide mission. Suicide for my career or my life, well, I guess he would have been happy with either. And the whole bridge knew about it. Even if Uhura tried to keep it quiet when she backed Spock up against me going down there.”

“Jaemi, I don’t know what fantasy land you’re living in everyday, but have you ever thought that your observations might be because of something else?”

“What the hell else could they be? Even you agree the Admiral is out to get me.”

“Yeah, well him, you’re spot on. But everyone else? Chekov is still a kid, he’s been through hell with us, but he’s also a few years younger, and innocent compare to the rest of us. You died. That has an effect on people, an effect you don’t know because you weren’t ALIVE to see how people reacted.”

“Yeah, well, people die all the time, Bones. Especially in Starfleet. And most of the people here didn’t know me that well anyway. It’s not like we were gallivanting across the galaxy right after Nero. There were repairs that had to be made. Practically a year’s worth. No one really stuck around for those that didn’t have to, and even then, it wasn’t like we all shacked up at the bar in the meantime. We had one mission before the shit with Khan started. ONE!”

“Your point being? Because you don’t know what people went through when you died… and even when you started breathing again, the thought that you might never wake up. You have no idea what went through anyone’s head for those two weeks you were in a coma.”

“Bones. The only person I can think of that felt anything was you. But you still treat me the same. So tell me, what went through people’s heads?” I was angry. Defiant. My voice could probably be heard halfway down the hall outside my room but I didn’t care.

“Like it’ll do you any good. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you anyway.”

“Yeah? Try me. I get Chekov’s reaction. What I don’t get is Uhura’s. Or Spock’s.”

“For being so goddamn brilliant sometimes you are so fucking clueless.”

“What the fuck, Bones?” I got up then. “Just get out. I’m fine, as you saw by your scan. Just go.”

“Jaemi.” His voice immediately softened. Odd, for him. “Just because people are acting weird doesn’t mean what you think it means.” And with that he walked out of my room, leaving more questions in his wake then answers.

When I got to the bridge everything seemed normal. Uhura was monitoring communications networks and listening to any chatter through her earpiece. Sulu was sitting at the helm, reading and occasionally looking at his piloting console to make sure everything was on par. Chekov and Spock were lurched over Chekov’s nav panel, working on the star charting. No one noticed I’d walked in. Not even Spock, with his Vulcan hearing. He was too absorbed in what he was doing, or he was ignoring me. Either option was viable at this point.

So when I sat in my chair and asked Spock what the status of the current mission was everyone turned around and looked to me awash with embarrassment and surprise.

“The status has not changed. We are back to our original position, charting the Amirian system.” Spock offered, as if everything was normal. And it was, wasn’t it? The only thing different in the room was me. I was different. Something about my encounter on Tangata _changed_ me. Changed how I looked at things. Nui’Toa had changed me. Such an infinitesimal interaction, acquaintance, and yet it had changed me. Slightly, imperceptibly perhaps. But changed me it had.  

“Right. Thanks, Mr. Spock.” I sighed, realizing I’d hesitated in answering him. He looked at me, an eyebrow raised. Translation: Is everything ok?

“Captain, are you well?” Okay, so maybe it didn’t require a translation. He’d actually asked. Odd.

“I’m fine, Spock. Just fine.” I said, knowing he would want to comment on the varying definitions, but apparently he was able to restrain himself from that. A small miracle.

“Of course, captain.” He replied, turning back to resume charting with Chekov.

I sat in silence for a moment, as was usual when we weren’t in the middle of a crisis or I wasn’t battling verbally with Spock prior to a mission.

That’s when it happened.

“Captain, I’ve picked up a distress signal.” I turned around, confused. We were too far away from any planet, so it must be a ship. But there weren’t any Federation ships supposed to be out this far…supposedly.

                “Who is it?” I asked the question. I shouldn’t have needed to, but, she seemed just as confused as I was.

                “I’m- I’m not sure. It was barely registering on the scanners. It’s just an automated distress signature, from a beacon.”

                That caught everyone’s attention. There should have at least been some form of visual, audio, if nothing else.

                “Send out a response.” I waited a moment, knowing that our response would go unanswered, but I had to try at least.

                “No response, captain.” She said.

“Can you track it?” I asked.

                “Yes. I have the coordinates.”

                “Good, send them to the nav panel. Chekov, bring up those coordinates on screen. Sulu, plot a course but don’t engage just yet.”

                A sounding “yes captain” rang through the bridge. Spock looked over to me, a characteristic eyebrow raised in question as Chekov brought up the coordinates to the main viewer. We both looked forward and found empty space.

                “Are you sure those are the correct coordinates, Lt.?” I asked, addressing Uhura. She looked to her console again for a moment. Her long fingers moved deftly across her console, rechecking her data before she looked up and turned towards me again.

                “Yes, captain. Those are the coordinates.” Her voice was tense, as if she was annoyed that I’d asked her to recheck her data, as if I had questioned her abilities.

                “Chekov, refresh the viewer.”

                “I have, keptin. Only empty space.”

                I looked at the view screen, wondering. What the heck was going on? How could a distress signal be coming from nowhere?

                “Are there any signs of a cloaked ship in that vicinity?” I asked no one in particular.

                Spock went to his own console, seemingly to search for just that data. “No abnormal readings, captain.”

                “Sulu, engage course to the plotted coordinates.” I said, making up my mind. I wanted to get a closer look. _Something_ had to be out there, even if it was just the beacon itself.

                “I do not believe this course of action to be wise, captain. We do not know where the distress signal is coming from, or why it was sent.” Spock spoke. Here we go again. Another verbal sparring match.

                “And we don’t know if people are hurt or dying, Spock. It’s our job to assist.” I countered.

                “Captain, protocol clearly states-“

                “Spock, I know what the protocol is, but we’re out here to explore, charting starts is part of that, but so is responding to distress calls, and seeing as how we are the only known vessel in the vicinity, we ought to make an effort to respond.” I was starting to get irritated already.

                “Captain, while that is true, it is also true that protocol demands either an audio voice signature or visual message of the distress signal, if not a response to our acknowledgement of the distress call. We have none. It would be unwise to continue to the location of the beacon without first gaining any more information as to the source or the reason for such a distress call being activated.”

                “Spock. We’re going to find out what’s going on. Most likely it’s just some sort of subspace interference and we’ll find nothing. Or it’s just a random beacon floating out in the middle of space, obscured on the main viewer by the radiation output of a nearby star. However, we might actually find something. I know the protocol, and I am telling you to accept my decision. That’s final.” I replied aggressively, probably more aggressively than was necessary. We would have a discussion later, no doubt, but I was far too angry to continue arguing about something so trivial.

                He didn’t respond. He merely looked back to his console, probably trying to look for more data, or a reason to argue more why we shouldn’t continue to the location of the beacon. A couple of minutes passed in tense silence.

                “We are on site of the coordinates, captain. Nothing here.” Sulu reported.

                “Odd.” I whispered.

                “I am receiving readings of a small metal container, approximately 72 centimeters long and 40 centimeters in diameter, captain, it is sending out a subspace frequency, the same frequency of the distress signal Lt. Uhura intercepted.” Spock said, looking up from his console to me. The beacon, floating out in space, alone. Or something else? Odd.

                “Why didn’t we see it on the visual we pulled up?” I asked, knowing the answer I would get in return.

                “It seems the radiation of a nearby star obscured the image on the main viewer.” Spock replied coldly. Odd that he didn’t respond in an absolute. He was… unsure? No, in disbelief that I had guessed correct more likely.

                “Engage tractor beam. Scan the container. If nothing harmful is detected, let cargo bay four know to receive it and bring it aboard.” I said.

                My orders were followed. Nothing harmful was detected and the object was brought aboard the ship. Guess it’s time to go find out what the hell is going on.

                “Object is aboard in cargo bay four.” Lt. Uhura announced, receiving confirmation via the communications console.

                “Sweet. Contact engineering and tell Scotty to meet Spock and me there.” I said to Uhura. “Let’s go figure out what the hell is going on then, shall we, Spock? Sulu, you have the con.” I walked towards the turbo lift, Spock following. As soon as the doors closed I turned to him, my irritation showing.

                “What the hell, Spock? If you have to question me so… vigorously, maybe just do it in private?”

                “Captain, the situation did not permit for a private argument. I was merely attempting to offer guidance, as is my duty as your first officer.” He replied coldly.

                “Duty my ass. Ever since we started out on this fiver year mission, you’ve been questioning everything I do or say, and when we’re not on duty, you want nothing to do with me. We used to have a semblance of friendship. What the hell happened? What did I do to backtrack so far with you?” The memory of Nui’Toa was fresh in my mind. His immediate acceptance, his respect for me after the fight. And here was Spock, someone who I had considered a friend, someone who I willingly and knowingly broke the Prime Directive for to save his life, someone who I trusted and respected, acting as if I were a mere cadet again who cheated on his stupid test.

                “Captain, as your first officer it is my duty to offer suggestions and courses of action given set parameters, to enable you to make decisions that would not adversely affect the safety of the crew or yourself.” Translation: It’s my job to make sure you don’t kill yourself again, or take anyone else down with you.

                “Bullshit, Spock. I died saving the crew. You really think I WANT to put them in harm’s way?” I almost yelled. He looked straight at me, his eyes boring into mine, yet his face was still cold, emotionless, save for his clenched jaw. He was… angry with me?

                “I fail to understand how your death is prevalent to the current situation, captain.”

                “Space isn’t the safest place, as we both well know. But, I’m not going to let other people die just because I feel like it’s too unsafe to try and rescue them when they’re in need. That’s what a distress signal means, Spock. People in need. Obviously, it’s not the case this time, but what if that had been a down ship from Vulcan. Would you have left them there to die because my some circumstance the only distress call they could make was from a beacon?”

                “The hypothetical scenario you have just described would be very unlikely, and therefore, not a determining factor in my decision process of the current situation.” He said simply, evading the question.

                “It sure as hell should be. It’s a possibility, Spock. That’s all that matters.”

                He opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by the hissing of the lift doors opening and Scotty’s excited voice.

                “Ah, captain. You’ll be very interested to see what we beamed aboard.” Scotty announced, smiling.

“I thought we beamed aboard a distress beacon.” I said, confused.

“Well, yes, and no. Just follow me. You’ll want to see this.” His smile was bright. Either something really dangerous was on the ship… or something incredibly fascinating. I wasn’t sure which worried me more.

“Is that so?” I asked playfully, following his lead towards where the unknown object had been placed. Spock was following behind, silently.

The object itself didn’t look like a distress beacon. It looked like an old escape pod. Barely large enough to contain the average adult male, considering the required life support and communications equipment needed in such a rustic piece of technology.

“Did you page Bones?” I asked, looking to Scotty.

“Aye, he’ll be down here in a minute, probably cursing on his way in.”

“Were you able to establish any readings? What about the distress signal beacon?” I asked.

“Oh, the beacon’s in there captain, but those are the only readings I’ve been able to get from this thing. I doubt Dr. McCoy will be able to tell if there’s anybody in there unless we open it up either.” Scotty replied, answering my unspoken question.

“I do not find it wise to open the container, captain. If we are still unable to obtain further readings from the pod, there may be a harmful substance within it that our scanners were unable to detect.” Spock offered.

“I thought you hated when people pointed out the obvious, Spock.” I jibbed back. I shouldn’t have, but I was still irritated with him. If he meant to say anything in return, or was agitated by my response, he didn’t share. He merely looked at me standing on the other side of the container, his face expressionless, hands behind his back in their normal place.

Bones was heard before he was seen entering the cargo bay.

“Just what the hell do you need me for?” He came barreling into the area where the container was, looked at it, and remarked, “What the hell is that thing? Anyone in it?” Before even allowing a response he took out his tricorder and scanned the pod.

“We were unable to obtain any readings beyond the distress beacon.” I offered.

“Well, I can’t get anything either. No telling what or who’s inside that thing without opening it up.”

“Well, Spock here doesn’t think that’s a good idea.” I didn’t look at him, but Bones did, noticing my tone no doubt. Scotty’s glances back and forth between us weren’t lost either.

“Well, while I agree with him, I don’t see a way to find out what’s in here without opening it up.” Bones finally said. The fact that he’d just admitted to agreeing with Spock wasn’t lost on me. Scotty didn’t seem to notice, or if he did, it didn’t faze him.

“What? You agree with Spock? Since when?” I couldn’t help myself. If Spock argued against me at every turn, the only one who was worse was Bones. Bones disagreed with everything Spock said. All the time. Even if it was painfully obvious Spock was right. To the point that if Spock stated the sky on Earth was blue Bones would argue until he was blue in the face that it was in fact purple.

“Sometimes we agree on things. Don’t look at me like that!” He remarked as my jaw dropped in fake, well maybe not so fake, shock. “You know he has a point. I don’t know what’s going happen if we open that thing. There could be a deadly virus we can’t combat in that thing!”

“You brought me back from the dead, Bones. Surely you can combat a little lethal virus?”

“That isn’t the same and you know it. I injected you, transfused your blood actually, with Khan’s augmented blood, you were dead, so what harm could it have done if it didn’t work? An unknown lethal pathogen, if released into the air, could kill everyone on the ship!” He was right. Spock was right. They were both right. I couldn’t risk it.

“Alright alright alright. I know, damn it! Just, figure out a way to get some readings. And turn off that beacon! I’ll let Starfleet know about it and see what they want us to do.”

With that I walked back to the turbo lift, thinking Spock would stay behind to continue to study the pod, beacon, container, thing. Surprisingly he didn’t. He followed me onto the turbo lift. We rode back to the bridge in an uncomfortable silence.

“Lt. Uhura, contact Starfleet command and let them know we found an unknown container, most likely an old escape pod of some sort that we can’t get any readings from with the exception of distress signal from its beacon and ask them what the hell they want us to do about it. Let me know if they respond. Spock, you have the con.” I instructed as I entered the bridge, leaving it just as soon.

I needed a drink. Or a few. I walked back to my room and poured myself a glass of the bourbon Bones had left in there earlier. Grabbing a book off the bookshelf that held the few volumes of antique books I’d purchased I sat down on the couch to read, drink in hand.

My PADD beeped with a notification of an IM. No rest for the wicked.

**_Bones:_ **

**_Can’t find a way to get any other readings off this thing. Scotty managed to shut the beacon off, but that’s it. Whatever’s in here, wants to be a surprise for the person who opens up the pod._ **

**_Me:_ **

**_I didn’t figure you guys would. There’s something strange about that thing. Drink at my place?_ **

**_Bones:_ **

**_You’re drinking again already? Don’t you have shift?_ **

**_Me:_ **

**_I handed the con over to Spock. There’s less than an hour left on shift. He can handle it. And I can’t handle him right now. So, works out for everyone._ **

**_Bones:_ **

**_Be there in five kid._ **

                True to his word for the second time today Bones waltzed into my room five minutes later.

                “Are you ever going to learn to knock?” I asked, looking up from my spot on the couch, not bothering to get up.

                “Nope. Get used to it. So, tell me, what’s going on?” He asked as he took the bottle of bourbon over to the table and filled up the glass he’d left there earlier. “The truth this time.”

                “It’s Spock. What else. We got into yet another argument in front of the bridge crew. And it was worse on the turbo lift. He’s all business this and that. Only doing my duty captain blah blah blah. I can’t stand it. The distance. The arguing. It’s all fucked up. I keep asking myself about this supposed friendship his counterpart talked about and keep coming up clueless. I thought, you know, after Nero, we were getting somewhere. We would go out to lunch occasionally back in San Francisco, as we were both pretty much there full time to oversee the repairs. He didn’t even treat me this coldly when I violated the god damn prime directive to save his ass from an erupting volcano! I just don’t get it!”

                “Kid, did you ever think that maybe he’s putting distance between you guys because he doesn’t want to lose control of himself again?” Bones asked softly.

                “What the hell are you talking about? The bridge incident? I caused him to do that. On purpose. He knows that. We were over that. At least he seemed like it anyway.” I was, admittedly, confused.

                “That’s not what I’m talking about, Jaemi. When you died, he…. He lost it. The only thing that kept him from killing Khan with his bare hands was Nyota. She had to beam down and stop him. And even she couldn’t at first. He only stopped beating his ass to death when she screamed that Khan was the only way to save _you_.”

                “What?! You’re lying! I’ve never heard about this! Somebody would have told me. You would have told me.” It was true, I hadn’t. No one told me anything about what happened shortly my death. I knew that Spock had captured Khan. I knew that Uhura had helped him bring him in. I knew Bones had used his blood to save my life. That was pretty much it as far as the crew went.

                The only thing that didn’t make sense… Spock loosing that much control.

                “It’s true.”

                “Bullshit. Spock doesn’t lose control like that.” But I realized I was wrong as soon as I said it. He did. Once. With me. He’d almost killed me. The bridge incident. The rumor that circulated around Starfleet but could never be proven because I’d wiped the security footage and made everyone present during the incident swear to never say anything or else. Or else what? I didn’t know, but I would’ve thought of something. Not that they needed my threat to keep their silence. No one would have spoken against Spock on that. It wasn’t his fault. Not really. I’d goaded him into it. On purpose. I hadn’t even fought back.

                “You know that’s false. The only time he’s ever lost control like that was because of you.” Truth. But there was something deeper in his meaning. What? I didn’t know. I didn’t have time to ask or think about it either because my door chimed.

                “Enter.” I shouted still looking at Bones. “See, Bones, that’s how you gain access to someone’s personal quarters.” I looked up towards the door. There Spock stood. “What is it, Spock?”

                “Starfleet has responded. They have given us orders to report to the nearest star base and part with the unknown container for further inspection, captain.”

                “You had to come to my room to tell me that?” I asked, irritated with him still.

                “I sent you a priority instant message 7.35 minutes ago, captain. When you failed to respond I chose to inform you in person and request that we change course immediately.” His face was stone. His voice ice. How long had he been standing outside the door before he chose to announce his presence? What had he heard? Knowing Spock he didn’t lurk, he’d come in just as he got there.

                “I’m going to go check on my sickbay.” Bones said awkwardly, rushing out of his chair, not even giving me a chance to dissuade him. “Later.” He shared a dark look with Spock for a fraction of a second before exiting.

                I picked up my PADD and looked. True to his word, Spock had sent the message almost ten minutes ago.

                “Hmm. Must not have hear the notification. Plot a course and punch there. I want that damn thing off my ship.”

                “Of course, captain.” Spock responded. But he didn’t move a muscle. He simply stood there, staring at me, his eyes locked onto mine. It was… uncomfortable.

                “Is there anything else?” My question seemed to jar him from whatever trance he was in.

                “Negative. I will instruct the bridge to follow the orders before Gamma shift arrives, captain,” He responded.

                “Good. Dismissed.” He gave me a smoldering look then, just before he turned around and exited. He seemed… hurt? Beneath his Vulcan exterior. I couldn’t tell. But hey, if he wanted distance, then distance was what he would get. If he was simply my first officer, I would simply be his captain.

                Distance would be good. I needed some space. What was in between that space, however, well, that remained to be seen.

 


	3. Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemi Kirk runs into her brother Sam Kirk...twice. Things don't go so well. Spock reaches out to her, she pulls back.

                It turned out that the nearest star base was Starbase 12. To say I was a little nervous about docking there would be an understatement.

                Starfleet had approved the request for a few days of shore leave while we transferred the unknown pod object to the science team there. There was a nearby planet that would offer a reprieve from the monotony of star charting, as well as some facilities on the Starbase itself. This put everyone in relatively light spirits, well almost everyone. I wasn’t looking forward to spending any more time than was absolutely necessary on Starbase 12. I didn’t want to run into my brother, Sam.

                I hadn’t talked to Sam for years. He blamed me for our mother’s death on Tarsus IV during the famine, when Kodos had been governor and killed half of the colony. When he found out she’d died, our already strained relationship became non-existent. He blamed me for her wanting to relocate after she was discharged from Starfleet. I guess she didn’t want to live in Iowa with me. It was too painful for her to be surrounded by so much that reminded her of my father.

                Just like it was too painful for her to be around as a mother when I was growing up. She’d left me with Frank, her brother. I’m not sure she ever realized how much of an ass Frank was. And when I’d tried to tell her, well, she either didn’t believe me, or didn’t want to believe me. But soon enough she’d come home from Starfleet, being discharged for reasons I still didn’t quite know, but she never seemed right after that. She seemed like a totally different person, like she was only half alive. She took one look at our old house and decided we were moving. At twelve years old I could hardly fight her on it, and I wanted to get away from Frank. So when she’d broken the news to me that we would be going off planet to live at a colony on Tarsus IV, I didn’t fight her on it. I was going to get my mother back, much as she was, and get away from Frank. Why would I have fought her about moving and leaving everything I knew behind?

                I should have.

                She’d contacted Sam and told him of her plans. Sam begged her not to go. He’d just gotten married and got a new job as a civilian scientist with Starfleet. He wasn’t in Starfleet, he’d refused that, but he could work with them, and his wife could follow him wherever he went. He wouldn’t ever work on a Starship and he could settle down and start a family. My mother didn’t want to even be on Earth anymore. She’d asked him to come with, of course, but he’d declined. He called me once, after their final argument, after he realized he couldn’t reason with our mother, and I’d told him I had no plans of trying to dissuade her from moving.

                Then, when our mother died, and I’d been rescued, Sam came to the hospital I was being treated at. He didn’t offer any comforts, didn’t ask if I was okay, he just asked if our mother was truly dead. When I told him I saw her die myself, well, he’d just said it was my fault and walked off without looking back. I haven’t spoken to him since that day. The only way I’ve been able to keep track of him is by looking him up every couple of years. I’d looked him up after the Nero incident and noted he was working on Starbase 12 with a scientific research team in Starfleet. I’d looked him up after I died and Bones brought me back. He was still there. He hadn’t even reacted when Bones had called him and informed him I’d died and that I was in a coma I might never wake up from. Hadn’t wanted to be responsible for my life if the proverbial plug needed to be pulled. He’d just told Bones to decide what to do with me. Bones didn’t tell me much of what was said between him and my brother, and quite frankly, I didn’t want to know. Bones just told me he was still at Starbase 12 and wasn’t leaving.

                So, even though I shouldn’t have, I looked him up again. I needed to know. I needed to know if he was still there so I could avoid him. He was. He was still working with a Starfleet scientific research team that was compromised of Starfleet officers and civilians alike. It was very likely he would be one of the scientists running test on our container.

                “Ready for docking, captain.” Sulu announced, breaking me from my thoughts and bringing me back to the present.

                “Take her in Mr. Sulu.” No use in worrying now. I’ll either see him or I won’t. Either way, we will avoid each other or he won’t speak to me. He doesn’t even count me as his sister anymore.

                “We are officially docked, captain.” Sulu informed me, even though we had all felt the docking.

                “Captain we are being hailed by Starfleet.” Lt. Uhura stated.

                “On screen.” I replied, sighing. Let the gameshow begin.

                “Captain Kirk, welcome to Starbase 12. I am Rear Admiral Johnson and the commander of Starbase 12. I understand that you have some rather peculiar equipment for our research team?” The man on the screen announced. He seemed friendly enough. I knew better. He was just another desk jockey relocated to a Starbase and resentful of his position. No doubt he took offense that I, a woman, was captain of a starship, and the flagship at that.

                “Yes, sir. I’ve sent the coordinates on ahead for transport, if your team would like to beam it out of here now, that’s fine.” The faster it’s off my ship the faster we can start shore leave and the faster I can get the hell away from Starbase 12.

                “Certainly, although we will need you and Commander Spock to sign transfer orders and be present at the facility to observe the transfer has taken place.”

                “Naturally, sir. We will leave now to meet with your team.”

                “Of course. I’ve sent the coordinates to your communications officer. I will inform the team to begin transfer now and to expect you immediately. Johnson out.” The screen went black.

                “Well, it could be worse. Uhura forward those coordinates to transporter room six and inform Scotty and Bones to meet us there. Spock?”

                “I am ready to accompany you, captain. All transfer orders have been filed and forwarded. They are awaiting signature of the research team.”

                “Great. Let’s go.”

 

                Today wasn’t going to be my lucky day apparently. Of course one of the project managers of the research team was my brother. Well, this ought to be interesting.

                “Well, everything seems to be in order. All we need now is your signature confirming the transfer has taken place and the equipment is indeed in the lab.” My brother informed Spock. He hadn’t even looked at me. As if he couldn’t tell I was the captain. As if he didn’t know. He hadn’t even bothered to introduce himself to us when we walked in like five seconds ago. Spock looked at him, eyebrow raised. I didn’t bother to respond, I let Spock take care of it.

                “Indeed. Although, as you should be aware, it is the captain who signs the transfer confirmation after I have inspected the equipment.”

                “Of course, Commander. By all means, inspect.” My brother said, still not looking at me. Still not offering his name.

                After a few minutes, when Spock was happy he’d done his duty, we stepped over to the console where Sam had brought up the transfer orders. Spock didn’t really need to inspect the pod, but it was regulation, so of course, he did.

                All three signature blocks popped up and Spock hazarded a look at me. His eyebrow raised once more. Translation: You didn’t tell me this was your brother, who by the way, doesn’t exactly seem all that friendly with you. What’s the deal? Yeah, an eyebrow can really say that much.

                Sam signed in receipt of the pod, Spock signed the initial post-transfer inspection, and I signed my spot, handing over responsibility to Sam. Everything was done quietly and professionally.

                “Dr. Kirk.” Spock nodded towards him, letting him know we were leaving.

                “Commander.” Sam nodded back, knowing better than to extend his hand to a Vulcan, apparently, or just rebuffed that Spock hadn’t extended his hand. He didn’t even look at me.

                I just turned on my heel and left. I didn’t wait for Spock. I didn’t say goodbye to my brother. What point was there? He obviously didn’t want to talk to me.

                Spock caught up to me in the hall on my way back to the transporter pad. If he had something to say he didn’t. Distance. Suddenly, I was happy for it at this moment. I didn’t want him to ask about my relationship with Sam. I didn’t want to tell him about it. I didn’t want to have to explain what wasn’t in my file.    

                I didn’t have to. Bones caught up with us. He’d been talking to the other scientists on the research team. They’d wanted to know if he’d gotten any life sign readings from the pod, which he hadn’t of course, but they wanted to speak about the possibility of it. He took one look at me before we got onto the transporter pad and instantly I knew I was going to be followed back to my room.

                We appeared back on the Enterprise and I turned to Spock. “Let everyone know they can disembark to the planet or Starbase and start their shore leave immediately.”

                “Will you be leaving as well, captain?” Spock asked. Bones just stood there, waiting. For someone as cantankerous as he was, sometimes he had the patience of a bull.

                “No. I’m staying here, so, if you want to leave, you can.” I knew he wouldn’t. He never did. But I wanted him to. I hoped he would take the unspoken hint.

                “I will remain onboard and continue to oversee my projects in the science department.” Spock replied. No such luck. He walked off to carry out his orders, leaving Bones in the transporter room with Scotty and me.

                “Hey, Scotty,” I said, gaining his attention, hoping to stave off Bones’ questioning for now. “You taking shore leave?” I knew he wouldn’t. He never did either.

                “Nah, captain. I’m content to stay here with my silver lady.” He offered a smile.

                “Of course.” And with that I started off to my quarters, Bones following close behind.

                “You gonna tell me what’s got you upset now? Or do I have to threaten you with hypos?” He asked trying to keep up with my brisk pace.

                “How about I tell you over a few drinks, yeah? Since we’re on leave, technically, I’m changing out of this uniform and getting drunk.”

                “Well, alright then. Just let me go grab the bourbon. Your room or the officer’s mess?”

                “Fuck it. Officer’s mess. I could use something good to eat anyway.” And with that he walked off towards his own room, leaving me to continue on to mine.

                I might not be leaving the ship. But I wasn’t about to spend my leave sober.

                Few people onboard have ever seen me in civilian clothes. If they didn’t go out with me at the academy, or have the opportunity to longue in my room with me off duty, which only two people ever did, then they hadn’t seen me in civilians. I knew this. It still didn’t stop me from being shocked when an ensign in a blue shirt approached me while I sat down in the officer’s mess, alone, wanting to enjoy my meal in peace before Bones arrived.        

                “What’s a beautiful woman like you doing in the officer’s mess on the Enterprise?” He asked, it was obviously a pick up line. Apparently he didn’t recognize his captain with her hair down. Literally and metaphorically.

                “What’s an ensign like you doing coming onto his captain?” I quipped. It had the desired effect. He stared more intently, trying to ascertain if I was telling the truth, searching for the familiar face of his captain. Then he turned beet red with realization when I pulled my hair into a high pony.

                “Oh –uh- uh I’m sorry, captain. I didn’t realize.” He snapped to attention.

                “Relax, Ensign Matthews. I’m not in uniform and I was just giving you a hard time. You’re supposed to be on shore leave, why are you here?” He visibly relaxed, although he only went to a parade rest position, his face started to return to its normal color. He also seemed a bit shocked that I knew his name.

                “I elected to stay behind and assist Commander Spock with his projects, captain.” Ah.

                “I see. Well, you have fun with that.” I replied as a dismissal. He took it as such and walked away just as Bones walked up, his own meal in his hands, passing him.

                “That kid bothering you, Jaemi?” Bones asked as he sat down with his own meal.

                “Nah, he just apparently didn’t recognize who I was out of uniform with my hair down.” I said as I untied my hair once more, letting it cascade down my shoulders and my back. I had a lot of hair. A lot.

                “Ah, well, looking like that, I could understand. You look like a completely different person with a bit of makeup and your hair down. So, you going to tell me what has your panties in a twist now?”

                “Once I get drunk, I’ll spill all. But right now, I’m enjoying a meal with my best friend, and not in charge of shit on this ship.” I said.

                And so we sat like that, in comfortable silence, enjoying our meal together. Not a captain and her doctor. But a girl and her best friend.

                When we finished we’d decided to go back to my quarters and grab drinks, then head to the observation deck and hang out there. Maybe play some cards while we proceeded to poison ourselves.

                On our way to the observation deck, we ran into Spock. Well, I should say I ran into Spock. Quite literally crashed into him. Thankfully bones had the liquor and I only had the plastic cups we’d decided to replicate and bring with us, along with the cards, because everything went flying.

                “Shit. Sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.” I said. I was still on the floor, sitting on my probably bruised tailbone. Spock bent down to pick up the few cups that had been thrown from my hands as I landed and moved to help me up, as apparently, I was incapable of doing. I don’t think he’d recognized me quite yet either. He probably thought I was a friend of Bones’.

                Bones, on the other hand, decided to make it well known who I was before Spock had fully extended his hand to me.

                “Jaemi! You alright?” He yelled, loudly. Spock’s arm stopped mid extension and he took it back. Distance. He didn’t want to touch me, not even to help me up.

                I managed to get to my feet without his help anyway.

                “Yeah, I’m fine. You good, Spock?” I asked, looking up at him. His face was… well I don’t know what it was, but it wasn’t cold and expressionless per say. His eyes more than anything looked… disturbed? Something. When he didn’t respond I called out again. “Spock?”

                He handed me the cups and deck of cards he’d picked up. “I am… fine, captain.” He turned around and walked away suddenly, leaving me extremely confused.

                “Doesn’t fine have varying definitions or something?” I asked, turning to Bones. He merely shrugged. Something was… off. “What am I missing?”

                “Beats me.” He shrugged. “Come on, let’s go get drunk.”

                “Agreed.”

                “So,” Bones started as we sat down and started drinking. “What happened?”

                I sighed, taking a long drink of his famous bourbon. Relishing it. Letting it burn my mouth and my throat with its goodness. “I ran into my brother.” I finally said.

                “What?” He looked shocked, his jaw open, his drink forgotten. “When the hell was this?”

                “Starbase 12, obviously. He’s the lead scientist on the research team that took the pod from us.” His eyebrows crunched up in confusion. “He’s a civilian, but you knew that. I thought you would’ve known he was at Starbase 12 from you know.” He did know.

                “Yeah, but I didn’t think he was the lead scientist on a research team, or if he would still be there. Honestly I didn’t even think about it until you just mentioned it. He didn’t really give me any details about what he was doing. Didn’t really talk to me about anything actually.”

                “I don’t want to know.”

                “Right, sorry.” His normally grumpy disposition was changed, again, for the third time in a week. How odd. But, this was my best friend. My most likely bi-polar crazy as hell and genius doctor best friend.

We sat there in silence again, drinking the rest of our first glasses. If it weren’t for the fact that we both admitted to being too damaged for each other a long time ago, I could easily see us in a more than platonic relationship, despite him being almost ten years older than me. He was more than attractive enough still, loyal, kind when he wanted to be, and just as stubborn as me. But no. He’d said he was divorced, had a daughter about to be a teenager, and didn’t think it was good for either of us to bring in the baggage we each held. Two halves didn’t make a whole in this instance. Still, it was good. We had each other’s backs. We’d go to the end of the galaxy for each other, and more, if needed.

The man literally brought me back from the dead.

“So, you gonna be ok, kid?” He asked filling up another round for us.

“Yeah, I’m just… I don’t know. I guess I just haven’t had time to process shit. I don’t want to process it. What’s done is done. It’s in the past where it should stay. That’s how I work. You know that. But, I just can’t help but feel… lost now.”

“You started feeling this way after leaving Tangata right?” Bones wasn’t dumb. He was perceptive, no one could say otherwise, even if he acted the opposite sometimes.

“Yeah. I guess.” I shrugged, finished my drink, then took the bottle and filled up my glass again.

“Well, kid, maybe they did something to you? I don’t know. We don’t know that much about the Tangata Empire…”

“Except that they are a patriarchal warrior society that gets off on practically enslaving women?” I replied. That still bothered me. How they saw women as weak. How the women accepted that.

“Yeah, well, they suck. But anyway, what I’m trying to say is… well maybe they did something to you, to like fuck with your emotions or something. I don’t know. Your scan was fine. I can check again. In fact I will. Tomorrow.”

“No way, Bones. I’m fine. And they didn’t do anything to me. I would know. I just… you’ll kill me if I tell you.”

“This is about the hobgoblin.” He didn’t ask. It was a statement. He knew something. What he knew, I didn’t know. I didn’t even know what I knew for myself. Just that Spock’s… dismissal of me was… disheartening.

What his older self had shown me was beautiful. It made me want that with him too. But, he was with Uhura, and I wouldn’t fuck that up for him. I would be okay with just being good friends with him. I thought having to compromise him would fuck that up for good, but eventually he had seen reason, the logic behind it. He’d understood why I had to do it. If we’d followed his plan, to regroup with the rest of the fleet, Earth would have been destroyed as well. He’d essentially forgiven me… in the way that a Vulcan could forgive someone for something like that. We’d started to become…friends.

Then I died. And according to Bones he went ape-shit and now here we were. Distant. Barely even colleagues, co-workers.

I’d done the only thing I could have done. I had to save the crew. The one thing he would have done. I thought he’d understood that. My sacrifice. It was a blurry memory, but it was there.

“Jaemi?”

“Yeah, I guess.” I admitted. It felt… good to say it out loud, at least admit to it without all the anger. But I would never tell him why. What I saw. I couldn’t. If I said it out loud it made it real. And I couldn’t bring something like that to life only to have it shatter into a million pieces just as soon.

“Well shit. I need another drink and the bottle’s empty. I’ll be back.” He started to stand.

“It’s fine. I’m going to go turn the ship over to Spock before I get too sloshed to do it. He probably knows, but, well you know, protocol.”

“He’s probably in the lab. At least, that’s where it looked like he was headed earlier.” Bones said.

“Thanks. I’ll message you later. We can go have a movie and bourbon marathon in my room.”

“Sounds good, kid. See ya later.” He walked out then.

I stayed behind for a moment. Relishing and hating the silence at the same time. I needed chaos. In chaos I thrived. But this? The mundane? The mundane broke me down, allowed me to think about the past, about the future, about things I could never have. Things I shouldn’t want.

I was about to walk into the lab but I heard voices. Well, one voice in particular, the one that caused me to pause.

“She wouldn’t.” It was Sam’s voice. What the hell was Sam doing on the Enterprise? And why did he sound… angry? Annoyed? Slightly.

“Captain Kirk does not often speak of her personal life. It would be inappropriate to foster less than professional relationships with much of the crew.” Spock said in agreeance with him, his tone even, cold, giving away nothing, not even to me. Not when I couldn’t see his face.

“That’s not what I meant. She wouldn’t talk about me, wouldn’t want to. She could talk to you, for instance, as her first officer that would be okay. I know Starfleet regulations. I’ve worked with them for the past decade.”

“It was my understanding that you did not even attempt to see her when she was in the hospital, after she had died.” Spock sounded... slightly annoyed? Irritated? No, he wouldn’t let his tone of voice show that. I must be drunk.

“Why should I? She’s the reason my mother is dead. She should’ve died with her as far as I’m concerned.” Sam sounded really upset. Spock should stop now. Why were they even talking about me in the first place? Why was Sam here?

“Odd, considering you are her brother. It was my understanding the human siblings grew bereft after the death of another.” Spock was… defending me? Why would he even bother?

“You know? I only came up here to get the data about the star’s radiation and its impact on the visual screen. I don’t need you bringing up my personal shit. I thought Vulcans didn’t do that. You know nothing about me or my sister.” Sam was yelling now. Maybe I should go in there.

“I was not the one who brought Captain Kirk into our conversation. However, as you are visibly disturbed, it would be more prudent for me to download the data you requested to see and send it to you electronically.” Spock’s voice was cold again, but it had an edge to it.

“Dude, seriously?” Spock didn’t know that once Sam started a fight he wanted to be the one to end it. “You don’t know anything about my life. What it was like when my mother died. You’re a Vulcan, you couldn’t possibly understand!” Oh shit. No he didn’t.

I decided to intervene then. No need for Spock to try to kill another Kirk, as much as I wouldn’t blame him for it with Sam.

“You need to leave, Sam. Now.” I mustered up every bit of authority and composure I could. He looked at me, pissed. Raged. Spock looked at me too… something else in his eyes, I couldn’t tell. Shock maybe?

“Defending your boyfriend are you? You fucking bitch you don’t belong here. You should be dead!” Spock made a move towards Sam, sensing the increasing tempo in the room. I shot him a hard glance, telling him to back off and let me handle it. Thankfully, he did.

“He is my first officer. Not my boyfriend. I am the captain of this vessel and right now I am telling you to leave. Leave before I have security escort you off. Your data will be sent to your lab electronically. You have no more need to be here. Now go.” I was calm. My voice stern. I didn’t know how I managed it, but I needed to. Spock needed me to. His jaw was set so hard I thought he would pounce in an instant. Sam needed to leave now.

“Fuck you! You should have stayed dead, you fucking bitch!” Sam screamed at the top of his lungs. I didn’t understand what his issue was. He must’ve been drinking or something prior to coming aboard, because he lunged at me. Literally. But I wasn’t the little girl he used to know, defenseless. Unaware.

I side-stepped and let him crash into the doorframe, half his body hanging out of the doors because they had hissed open for him to walk through.

“Get. Off. My. Ship.” I said, exerting every ounce of control I had left. Spock still hadn’t moved from his spot, but he was standing ready. Ready to pounce on Sam if the need arose. It wouldn’t. Sam was defeated now and he knew it. He would leave.

“You don’t deserve to be alive when she’s not.” He said, gathering himself up. He turned around and walked away. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding since I last spoke.

“Captain?” Spock’s voice rang through the lab.

I looked at him. I didn’t know what I was saying with my eyes, but Spock reacted, reaching out a hand to my shoulder. I blanched, realizing he was about to touch me. Did he _realize_ what he was doing?

I took a step back and he dropped his arm. A slight green hue washed over his cheeks and the tips of his ears as he realized he was about to touch me. My bare skin. I was still wearing the tank top and capris jeans from earlier. My hair was down, but cast to one side, hanging over my left shoulder.

“You have the ship, Spock.” I said. My voice barely a whisper. I turned around and ran out of the room, not trusting myself to stay there any longer. I needed to get away. I needed to put space between us again.

I needed distance.


	4. Stitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New orders are given for the Enterprise. Jaemi's past comes back to haunt her. Jaemi confronts Spock finally about the 'distance'.

                “Understood, sir. When do you want us to move out?” I asked the Admiral Keating with a clenched jaw. He’d sent an emergent subspace transmission that a communications ensign had received. Since it was a Red priority, meaning I needed to see it as soon as humanly possible, or alien if you weren’t human, I’d been woken in the middle of the night, well, night for me anyway, and had to place a highly encrypted subspace call to him in my pajamas. I was still half lit from drinking with Bones earlier and then alone in my room after almost losing my shit on my brother.

                “Immediately. Call back your crew. You leave for the Rigel system as soon as you are able to undock from Starbase 12.”

                “Aye, sir. Anything else I should be aware of?” I really didn’t want to be aware of anything else. It was bad enough I was being told that Kodos was alive, and that we were being sent to the planet where he was last seen on, but I had a sneaking suspicion that there was more.

                “Yes, he’s been killing off survivors from Tarsus. Five of the Nine are already confirmed dead. Two have been reported missing, the last one from Rigel V, where you’re headed.”

                “Perfect. And if we happen to find Kodos?” I asked.

                “Capture is preferable.” He stated. What he didn’t state was even more important. _Kill him if you can._ And if I could, I would. Kodos wasn’t like Khan, a man manipulated. Kodos was evil, pure and simple.

                “Understood, sir.”

                “Good. And… good luck. Keating out.”

                Admiral Keating was like Pike. He believed in me. He was also one of the few people who knew about my history with Kodos. On Tarsus. There were rumors about the Nine for years. The Nine survivors of Kodos and his personal pillage after his implementation of eugenics. But no one _really knew_ who they were _._ Who we were. But Admiral Keating and Pike had been on the ship that rescued us. Pike was the one who found me and Admiral Keating was the captain. Keating knew everything, just like Pike had.

                I couldn’t believe that with Keating knowing my history with Kodos he was allowing me to essentially go after him. Kill him possibly. But then again, it made sense. He knew, over anyone else, that I deserved to be the one to bring Kodos to justice. I’d been the only girl among the Nine, and what Kodos did to me after he killed my mother right in front of me…. That was the stuff that caused perfectly sane people to become insane. I wasn’t insane, well, not in the clinical definition of it anyway. What Keating was offering me wasn’t revenge, exactly, it was karma. Redemption.

                Kodos may have broken me back then, but I would be the one to break him now.

                I sent out the messages, all automated. They called for immediate emergency recall. Red priority mission.

                Spock took this opportunity to show up at my door. Ever the gentleman, Vulcan propriety and all, he knocked on my door instead of using the shared bathroom.

                “Enter.”

                “Captain. I received the automated red priority recall, however, I was not informed of the mission.” He stood there, just inside my doorway, staring at me in my pajamas. His statement a question. Translation: Why wasn’t I informed of the new mission? What’s going on? As your first officer I should know what we’re doing.

                “Relax, Spock, I just sent out the recall about thirty seconds ago, as you well know. I just got off the line with Admiral Keating right before I sent it. I didn’t have time to tell you. Sit down.”

                He took a seat at my table, remaining silent. He was like that. Most of the time he didn’t talk unless absolutely necessary. Especially with me lately. I was okay with it now. The awkward silence was something I welcomed now. It allowed the distance between us to remain, to make me treat him as just another professional and nothing more. But right now, I was tired. The line was slightly blurred.

                “Tea?” I offered, knowing it was late, even for him. That the notification would have interrupted the beginning of his meditation cycle.

                He didn’t say anything, just nodded in the affirmative.

                I walked over to the replicator and replicated two mugs of hot green tea. It wasn’t what he would have preferred, but it was caffeine free, and I myself enjoyed green tea, almost as much as coffee. I would get coffee next.

                “So the mission, as you can tell by the immediate recall, is to priority, classified. It’s need to know only. Alpha shift will have clearance. But we need to choose the personnel for away teams carefully.” I paused, taking a tentative sip of my hot tea. The liquid burned slightly, but I didn’t mind, it woke me up. “We’re going after Kodos.”

                He looked up at me sharply. His gaze penetrating. I was tired, and my face wasn’t composed. He could tell I was… emotional about this mission just from that. I know he didn’t know about Tarsus. I know he didn’t know my history with Kodos. If he did, he would object so strongly against my involvement he would declare me emotionally compromised.

                “I assume Starfleet wants us to capture him and bring him to face trial on Earth?” He asks, more a statement than a question, but the question mark is there nonetheless. I hesitate. Should I tell him? “Captain?”

                “Preferably capture.” He opens his mouth to speak, what I don’t know, but I cut him off before he has the chance to say anything. “But they aren’t picky. If we have the chance to kill him, if killing him is easier, we can.”

                We sit in silence for a few moments. Minutes actually. Staring at each other. He’s asking me with his eyes if I’m okay with that kind of order. If I am willing to take another person’s life like that. Will I be willing to pull the proverbial trigger, without a trial? I’m telling him if I can, if I get the chance, I will. I won’t hesitate to do it.

                “Admiral Keating gave you this order?” He verbalizes.

                “Yes.” I say it with conviction. It’s true, in a sense. It’s my confirmation that sends him the final message. He knows Admiral Keating knows me, has known me for a long time. Since before I came to the academy. He saw it at Pike’s relief ceremony, when I was officially commissioned as captain. He saw Admiral Keating hug me. Not shake my hand, as would be the professional courtesy, but honest to god hug me.

                He stares at me again. Questioning the validity of my statement. Was I telling the truth about the order? I stare back at him. Telling him, yes, I am. It wasn’t verbalized, it was implied. But nonetheless, the permission was given.

                “We’re heading to the Rigel system. Kodos’ last whereabouts were on Rigel V, not two days ago.”

                “I believed Governor Kodos to be dead, as did many others.” He says, and his statement, giving Kodos that title, it incites rage in me. Rage I’d been holding onto for a long time.

                “He isn’t a fucking governor anymore, Spock. He never should have been. He’s alive and we’re going after him. Shit, he’s killed five of the Nine, two more are confirmed missing. He deserves to fucking die!” I slam my fist on the table. A fist I hadn’t realized I’d made until just then. I need calm down. I need to focus. Gain composure. I can’t be compromised. Not for this mission.

                My sudden anger startles him, somewhat. He wasn’t prepared for my reaction, and doesn’t know why I yelled. His face doesn’t show this, his next statement, however…

                “Are you in anyway capable of being emotionally compromised by this mission, captain?” His face is stoic, his voice cold, calculating. Daring me to react in anger again.

                I take a deep breath in. I know he sees it. I know he understands what it means.

                “No. You’re dismissed.”

                He gives me a hard look at my dismissal. It lasts for a fraction of a second, and then something in his eyes softens, for even less. But it’s enough. I know Spock. I might not understand what’s going on with him. Why he’s been pushing me away, why he wants this distance between us. But I know compassion when I see it. It’s quick, and gone just as fast as he is.

                When he walks out the door I wonder, will it ever be the same again? Can I continue to work with him, knowing what could have been?

                I don’t have a choice. I have to.

 

                “So you’re telling me, you want to go hang out at a bar, barely covered, made up like a hooker, and taunt the jackass? IF he’s even going to be there at all?” Bones practically screams at me in the transporter room.

                I’m dressed casually. My uniform forgotten. I have a nice pair of blue jean shorts on, tight, hugging my hips, showing a LOT of leg. My shirt is… suggestive at best. It’s a white, sleeveless, backless, V-neck cut blouse that hangs down almost to the edge of my shorts. I have makeup on. More than anyone here has ever seen, including Bones. Eyeliner. Mascara. Eyeshadow. I’ve got the whole smoky eye thing going for me. I look… well hot. I can’t lie. I know what I look like. There’s a reason for it. I want him to know it’s me, if he sees me. The scar on my back will let him know immediately who it is. But I also want him distracted. He liked girls, sure, but he liked girls that were starting to mature. He loves women.

                My memory starting to come to the surface causes me to physically shiver.

                “Bones. It’s called a trap for a reason. That’s why security is coming down with me. That’s why Spock is coming down with me.”

I look over to Spock, who seems out of place stepping up onto the transporter pad. He’s wearing blue jeans and a long sleeve button up. He looks… good. Really good. I am suddenly overcome with a pang of jealousy of Uhura. Who, coincidentally, is also in the transporter room. She was handing us each a communication device she was able to manufacture which would be indictable if scanned. It would allow her to monitor our signals, vitals, and if we needed to we could send her an emergency preprogrammed message with the touch of a ring. I was wearing mine on my right second finger.

Spock is very pointedly not looking at me. I don’t know if seeing me in such a state of undress is uncomfortable for him or what. Being a touch telepath he could simply be concerned about accidentally touching me. But that doesn’t make me understand why he won’t even look at me. Perhaps he’s still upset with my dismissal of him earlier.

“Yeah, well, you better not be coming back to the sickbay because you’re being an idiot.” Bones grumbles. My best friend. The cantankerous brilliant doctor who brought me back from the dead. His concern is sweet, albeit delaying the mission.

“I won’t. Promise.” I offer him a huge smile.

“Now I know you will. Never promise me that. You break it every single time.” He grumbles. I know that if we weren’t surrounded by everyone in the room, Spock, Uhura, Scotty, the three security guys transporting down with us, he would have pulled me into a hug. “You look good, kid. Good luck.” He leans over and whispers in my ear. Bones, my best friend.

“Thanks.” I smile again, stepping away and onto the transporter pad. “Everyone ready?” I look around, everyone nods. “Alright, so we’re beaming down about half a mile from the bar, it’s a hole in the wall, at the edge of town, so we shouldn’t be seen beaming down. We’ll walk from there and go into the bar. We stay as long as it takes to find him, if he doesn’t show, we go again tomorrow. As it’s one of the two bars on the colony, it’ll still be packed, even if it is a hole in the wall. Keep alert. Order drinks, but don’t drink them. Blend in.”

“Understood, captain.” I heard everyone say at once.

“Oh, and we’re not Starfleet officers down there. I’m Jaemi. Everyone goes by first names.”

They all nod, not daring to call me by my first name while still on the Enterprise.

“Good. Scotty, Energize.”

We get to the bar, and of course, it looks like it’s packed inside. I tell the group to split up, we can’t all go in at once or it’ll look suspicious. Spock, of course, stays with me, and we head into the bar first. I know he doesn’t like my plan. He’d objected to it publicly. A lot. He didn’t understand why we would find Kodos in such a public place, why we had to go in wearing civilian clothes. Why _I_ had to go in. He didn’t understand why I was offering myself as bait. Of course, no one understood that last point.

But it was Uhura that finally backed me up, surprisingly. She’d said that tips had come in, sightings from an undercover agent section 31 had on Rigel V, that Kodos was seen two times in the last four days at the bar we were going to. She understood the need to go in wearing civilians as opposed to our uniforms. She even said it would look weird to the patrons if I didn’t try to make myself up.

Spock didn’t seem to like the idea at all even still.

It didn’t matter though. We were here. We had a job to do and we needed to do it. So what if I had a little fun doing it? I didn’t see anything wrong with that.

“Captain,” I hear Spock whisper in my ear. He’s standing directly behind me, off to the right a bit and turned facing the rest of the bar while I order our undrinkable drinks. His hot breath sends a shiver down my spine that I have to suppress. “Lt. George, Santos, and Andrews have walked through the door and are taking up positions.”

“I told you, it’s Jaemi in here, Spock. Don’t blow our cover.” I whisper back, turning my head slightly. Just then the bartender comes by and slides over two glasses of bourbon. I turn around, drinks in both of my hands, and give one to Spock. “I know you don’t drink, but you’re also the only one of us who can without it affecting you. I’ve authorized the consumption of alcohol on a need basis. If it comes down to it and we have to take a drink, we will. I will not risk blowing our cover.”

“Jaemi. It is not wise to consume alcohol while searching a drunken crowd for a murderer.” He says. It’s an obvious statement. Unlike Spock. I hazard a look at him and notice he’s been looking at me before that moment. I decide to turn around and face the bar. If Kodos is here, he will most likely approach me, and if he sees my back, my scar open to him, he will know it’s me before he approaches. It will ensure his approach more than my looks ever could.

“It’s not wise to go after a genocidal murderer period, Spock. We still are. Shut up and look like you’re having fun.” I retort, not even turning around.

He doesn’t respond, and even if he had something to say, he didn’t have the chance. A rather handsome alien, a Bajoran man came up beside me and thought it was a brilliant idea to hit on me. I didn’t exactly want to deal with it, but he was pretty hot, for a Bajoran.

“I haven’t seen you around here before. You new to the colony?” He asked, his voice making it obvious he was using the question as a pick up line. Instead of dismissing him, I entertained it. If Kodos saw me getting sweet talked when he walked in, he’d be all the more interested in possessing me.

“Maybe. Maybe not.” I turned towards him, making sure my back was still visible to the door, keeping my voice light a flirtatious. I felt Spock shift beside me.

“Mystery woman. I like that. You here with anyone?” So he’s not as drunk as he could be, still concerned with my potential status.

“I’m waiting for someone.” I decide to reply. It’s non-committal. It says, I’m not here with anyone right now, but I could be.

“Hmm. You drink bourbon?” He looks at my drink, still full on the counter. Well, I guess I _will_ be drinking a bit tonight after all. Internally I laugh at Spock, who thought we could go to a bar and not drink a drop of alcohol while still blending in.

I grab the glass, twirl it around, purely for the effect of the Bajoran, before I lift it to my lips and take a small sip. No point in drinking more than necessary if I don’t have to. I still want to be alert and not impaired if Kodos walks through the door. And it’s still early.

“A woman after my own heart!” He exclaims, finally sitting down and plunking his own drink on the bar. Bourbon. “I’m Kirwu Rollo.” He extends a hand to me in front of the bar.

“It’s nice to meet you, Rollo. I’m Jaemi.” I shake his hand and see his smile. And his shock. He realizes I’ve addressed him properly, not mistaking his family name for his first name.

“You know Bajoran customs! I am honored.” I probably shouldn’t have addressed him properly, but I figured I’d chance it. It was less likely that another man would come to talk to me if I was already engaged in conversation with him. Except Kodos. Kodos would come up to me regardless, once he saw my scar.

I felt Spock shift again, he wanted to turn around, he wanted to interject, but he was doing his duty and keeping watch.

“So, what brings you out tonight, Jaemi?” Rollo asks. Translation: Will you be willing to leave with me later?

“Oh, nothing much, like I said, I’m waiting for someone.” I remind him of this. Will it make him leave? I don’t think so.

“Well, how about some company while you wait? No good having a good looking woman such as yourself sitting here all alone. Some of the guys here, well, they’re bad news, quite frankly. It wouldn’t be right of me to let you fend for yourself.” So a gentlemen? Maybe. Or maybe he’s one of the guys I need ‘protection’ from. Hard to know right away. But, something about him tells me that while he does find me attractive, and he wouldn’t mind taking me home with him, he’s just looking for some company too.

“Now it is you who honors me.” I reply, still keeping my voice light, smiling after the words. It’s a game. It’s light. But it causes him to smile too. “What brings _you_ out here tonight?”

“Oh, like you, nothing much. I was looking for someone too. But I think I may have found her.” A bit forward, if not completely. But, flattering. He does know how to flirt. “You don’t seem to be enjoying your bourbon.” He points out the fact that I haven’t taken another drink since the first one. I decide to risk it and take a long gulp.

“Oh, but I am. Just wanted to let it air out a bit first.” He laughs.

I feel a warm body crash into mine. “Sorry miss! Lost my footing, are you okay?”

“Fine, thanks.” The strange looking man walks off in a hurry and I steady myself before Spock can reach out to touch me.

“Wow, guess the guys are getting rowdy early tonight. You sure you’re okay?” Rollo asks, concern etched on his face.

“I’m fine.” I say. But I notice I’m starting to feel lightheaded. My vision is getting a bit blurry. I know I didn’t drink much. Almost nothing. I shrug it off, must be the after effects of getting knocked into.

I take my drink and down the rest of my bourbon.

“Bartender!” I beckon loudly. “Can I get another bourbon please?”

The bartender turns around and starts to pour me another drink. I feel myself get even more lightheaded. My vision blurs slightly more. I need to use the bathroom. What?

I stand. “I need to use the ladies room, be right back, Rollo.” I smile at him, almost seductively.

“I’ll be here sweetheart.”

I ran to the bathroom. I puked. I peed. I puked again. I felt sloshed. Physically. But my mind was still working, through a haze.

I walked out and Spock noticed something was wrong immediately. I stumbled. He was there in an instant. Holding me up. Taking me outside. I was dimly aware of the three security lieutenants following us. The Bajoran man, Rollo, following out. Someone stopping him, Lt. Andrews?

Spock in my mind. His concern, worry, fear, annoyance, anger, affection? I was confused, then I was calm. Then it went black.

Brightness. We were in the Enterprise. The sickbay. Bones was sticking me with a hypo. I was swatting him away.

Then everything came into focus.

“What the fuck happened?” I practically screamed. Spock and Bones were staring at me.  Bones looked apprehensive, concerned. Spock’s face was… unreadable. “Someone better tell me what the hell happened right now!”

“You started to suddenly exhibit signs of severe intoxication. I made the decision to remove you from the bar and you lost consciousness.” Spock finally gave in. His voice sounded… guarded.

“The hell? I only had one drink.”

“Somehow a stimulant was introduced to your vascular system.” Bones rattled off. “I don’t understand it. And the stimulant is untraceable. As soon as you started waking up it was metabolizing out of your system. I can’t even get a good enough sample from your blood to figure out what it is.”

“A stimulant doesn’t make you get sloshed in less than five minutes after only drinking ONE glass of bourbon. A stimulant doesn’t make you get sloshed period!”

“I believe the toxin to have been introduced via her drink or skin contact.” Spock informed Bones. So, I must not have been in here very long if he hadn’t had the time to tell him that much yet.

“How long have I been in here?” I asked.

“About ten minutes. Whatever fucked you up didn’t stick around for long. I gave you a general antibiotic/anti-viral combo hypo and an analgesic hypo too, to help with the hangover you’re probably going to have. You don’t seem to be otherwise affected by whatever got in your system, but I want you to take it easy just in case.”

“Please don’t tell me I have to stay in here.” I whined at Bones, shooting him my best puppy dog eyes.

“Save it for someone else, hun. But no, you don’t have to stay in here. You can go rest up in your quarters, since pointy over here has volunteered to keep an eye on you.” Bones grumbled. “But don’t even think about going to the bridge.”

“Well who the fuck is going to watch the bridge if Spock’s too busy babysitting me? And I am NOT staying in sickbay bones!”

Spock stood taciturn while Bones and I quarreled back and forth. It was a ritual of sorts by now.

“The bridge is fine. If anything happens you guys can get there just as fast. And I don’t have to worry about you seizing in the process.”

“I’m fine Bones!” He threw a dark look at me, grabbed a hypo and held it in a threatening posture. “Get that thing away from me!”

“Doctor. Surely it would be logical if I simply escort the captain to her quarters now.” Spock finally interceded.

“Fine. But no bridge. She can do reports with you, I’m sure you guys need to, but nothing else!” Bones shouted, we had already started walking away.

Why had Spock volunteered to watch me? Surely I didn’t really need to be watched. If I had, Bones would have demanded I stay in sickbay, regardless.

“Thanks.” I whispered to Spock on our way to my room. “For… everything.”

He looked at me and merely nodded, his head back forward, in silence. There it was. That… distance. The distance I needed because I knew what could be but couldn’t be. The distance he’d put there between us and I’d enabled to grow. But there was something in that space between, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I knew what I felt. I knew why I was saddened. But Spock? Someone I thought I was learning to finally read, to understand. He was… cold. Unknown.

We got to my quarters and I quickly found a uniform. If I was going to be working with Spock, regardless of the location, I was going to try to keep it as professional as possible. That meant going to the bathroom to brush my teeth and change into uniform.

When I came out he was looking at my bookshelf. More like inventorying it.

“I’ve added a few more pieces since the last time you looked.” I said. It was an obvious statement. He could tell just by looking. I knew this. But I needed to say something. Something to fill the awkwardness. I guess I couldn’t welcome the silence after all.

“Clearly. I was not aware that you read Henry David Thoreau.” Spock said casually.

“ _All good things are wild, and free._ ” I quoted one of my favorite passages from a popular lecture of Thoreau’s, _Walking_. Spock looked at me, an eyebrow raised in surprise. Surprise that I would read something so… old. Something so academic. “Not everything ancient is boring. He made a good point. He was quite the libertarian.”

“Indeed.” He says. And I know it’s usually just a way to say something for him. Sometimes he means it politely, sometimes sarcastically. Usually I can tell which. I can’t right now, so I get defensive. His one word rips apart the hold I had. The hold allowing me to keep that distance. That divide that I needed.

“You don’t believe me. Look, Thoreau’s lecture _Walking_ basically describes me. He believes that the individual should matter. That the individual can affect change and find I his/her place in nature. That everyone has a part to play and every part is important. That no one should be enslaved or suppressed, not allowed to contribute the best way he/she knows how. That we should ACT on our principles if we want to affect change, the change we want to see.”

He remains silent. Shocked by my passionate outburst? I don’t know. But I can’t hold back anymore.

“And you know what one of my biggest principles is. I don’t believe in no-win scenarios. You’ve seen me pull it off. You gave me odds that really didn’t sound like odds, they sounded like damnation. And I still proved you wrong. I don’t believe in no-win scenarios. It’s the only reason why I’m still a captain. Half of Starfleet doesn’t want me here. The other half only sees a goddamn hero and I’m not the fucking hero. All of you guys are. The whole damn crew. I’m only one person. One person doesn’t run a starship. One person doesn’t save Earth. One person finds her place in nature and acts on principles to affect change. That’s all I am. But that’s what I will continue to do. So if you can’t handle it, if you can’t handle being my first officer, watching me throw myself into danger willingly, then you need to leave.”

There. I said it. I finally said it. What I’ve been thinking about for the past… who knows?

“If you can’t handle the fact that I’m not going to make anyone else do something I wouldn’t do. Go. I wanted you here as my first officer because I need you. Because you were my friend, well could be at least. And we WERE friends. But you should have known better. You should know that I will place myself in the fire before I let anyone else go. You should know that I will run headlong into danger, leading everyone else, and not standing back to watch. You KNEW that. And still you put this… this wall up between us. This distance. This void. And you expect me to be okay with that? Why?”

He’s still standing there. Still. But his hands have dropped to his sides and his fists are curled, tight. His face, at first glance, looks expressionless. But his jaw is clenched, a light green tint colors his cheeks and tips of his ears, and his eyes. His eyes are the most betraying of all. They are hard, almost angry, but full of emotion. Softness as well. Pleading. Pleading with me to understand what he’s feeling. What he knows. Why.

“Why, Spock? Tell me why it’s gotta be like this.” My voice is calm now. Even. Almost a whisper. I take a step forward. “Why?”

How could one word undo every little stitch? Must be the after effects of the toxin, I think. But I know it’s not. It’s the fact that I can’t ever hold anything in with him. He makes me so… angry. Does it better than anyone else. But still… he makes me… feel. Passionate. Wild. Free.

“I cannot lose control again.” Spock says. It barely registers for me. It’s so faint. So soft. The words from his mouth. And finally I understand what Bones was saying.

**_“Kid, did you ever think that maybe he’s putting distance between you guys because he doesn’t want to lose control of himself again?”_ **

I stand there. In front of him. Less than an arm’s reach away. I can’t respond. There are a thousand things I want to say. Some in anger, some not. But nothing escapes my lips. My mouth opens, but no sounds come out.

It’s the wrong thing to do. Not say anything.

“Rest, well, captain. I will check back with you later to do the reports.” And he’s gone. Just turns around and walks out the door. Gone.

There it is again. Closed for a moment, then opened wide again.

The distance. The void. But somehow, it’s filled with something now. Despair. Longing. Heartbreak.

 

               


	5. Running Away and Disclose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemi reveals part of her dark past to Bones and Spock.... drunk of course, because who shares that shit sober?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so thank you guys for helping me out and getting me back on track! Here's chapter Five. I'll be taking down the author's note now.  
> This is for you Trekster!

                “So, I’m guessing by lack of another member of the party he didn’t show tonight either?” Bones asked, scanning me with his tri-corder for the third night in a row. Tonight I’d participated in a bar fight, a fight I’d practically started. With each passing day my inner anger grew, my patience thinned. And I needed to let off some steam. Fighting was good way to do that. “Why the hell did you start a fight?”

                “Who says I started it?” I replied defensively. I had. It was true. But I was still pumped with adrenaline. Spock had ended the fight before I was able to let off enough stress, by punching the dick that I’d goaded into touching me so I would have an excuse to punish him for it.

                “Spock. He said you practically whored yourself out to some guy and then started punching him senselessly when he slapped your ass.” Bones said, now using a dermal regenerator on my bruises. I hadn’t taken as much damage as the other guy, but he’d still landed a few hits before Spock decided to finally intervene.

                “Spock said I whored myself? Right.”

                “Well he said it in his very hobgoblin way. ‘The man believed the captain to be offering services and responded in what is apparently an acceptable fashion to respond to women offering sexual services.’ I think is what he said. There. You’re all good now. Wanna tell me why you’re starting bar fights?”

                “Nope.” I said curtly, starting to get off the bio-bed. I wouldn’t have gone to sickbay at all if Bones hadn’t met us in the transporter room waving a hypo around and threatening me with it.

                “Wait just a minute missy!  You’re not going anywhere until you give me some damn answers. You’ve been short with everyone the past couple days, in fact, ever since we got orders for this mission. And you’ve been getting worse. Pointy is even starting worry about you.” He shoved me back down on the bio-bed into my former sitting position.

                “I already told you. He slapped my ass. I got mad. I punched him, he hit back. Not a way to treat a lady, if you ask me.” I completely ignored his suggestion that Spock was worrying about me. Spock didn’t worry. Not like that. He’d probably just told Bones I wasn’t sleeping, knowing because of his super Vulcan hearing and me probably cussing all night long when I couldn’t sleep.

                “Bullshit. You started that fight with him before he slapped your ass. You knew he would. And you’re not sleeping. Now. What the hell is going on with you?”

                “Nothing. I’m perfectly fine. Now let me go back to my quarters. I have another report to file saying exactly nothing.” I started to get up and managed to dodge him trying to push me back into the bed again.

                “If you don’t stop acting so recklessly, we’re going to have words. And I will get that green-blooded gremlin to hold you down if I have to.”

                “Bullshit. Just leave it alone, Bones. I’m going now. Don’t follow me.” I walked out of sickbay without a backwards glance. Instead of going to my room like I said I was, I went to the training room. I needed to exercise, let loose a bit more. I was still too hyped up and jumpy.

                About twenty minutes into my excessive beating of the large punching bag I heard a voice call my name.

                “Captain. I believe the punching bag is sufficiently beaten. If you continue, you will exhaust yourself and end back in sickbay.” Spock said from behind me. How long had he been there without my noticing? I ignored him anyway and continued to punch and kick the bag. He was right, I was getting exhausted, but I couldn’t stop. I needed more. I needed to hit it more. Completely wear myself down. Maybe then I’d be able to sleep.

                “Captain.” His voice was closer now, actually directly behind me, enough that I could feel his body heat.

                I turned around quickly, coming face to chest with him, mere inches of space between us. How had he gotten that close?

                I looked up at him, making eye contact, and glared. Hard. How DARE he interrupt my exercise routine?

                “It would be wise of you to return to your quarters to rest, captain.” He said, his voice sounding slightly rough, not quite as even as usual. I didn’t move. He walked into my space, he was the one violating MY personal space, and he could be the one to back away.

                “I wasn’t done. Why are you here, Spock?” I asked, letting my irritation slip into my voice.

                “Doctor McCoy informed me that you were returning to your quarters to work on the report of tonight’s events. When you did not return, I went to search for you in the officer’s mess hall. When I could not find you there, I went to the observation deck. When your absence there was noted, I came to look for you here.” His voice seemed to regain its cold even tone.

                “Yeah, I get that. But why, Spock? _Why_ are you here?” He still hadn’t backed away from me.

                “Doctor McCoy voiced concern for your wellbeing, a concern I share.” He said, as if that was really an answer.

                “I’m fine, Spock.” I sighed, backing up, trying to put some space between us, I needed the distance to return. I couldn’t deal with him and the Kodos shit at the same time. And I _was_ exhausted now. Really exhausted, it was hitting me like I’d just crashed into a brick wall at 90 kmph. I didn’t get to back up very much, though, because my back hit the punching bag hanging from the ceiling, it only put about two more inches between us, making it a total of about six now.

                “Captain, you are lying to me.” He said, that slight roughness to his voice coming back again. “You are lying to yourself.”

                “And so what if I am, Spock? I’ll be fine. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” I said tersely, and stepped around him. He didn’t follow me out. And I didn’t want him to. Or did I?

We went back, night after night, against Bones’ judgement due to the toxin I had taken in the first night, and waited in the same spots. Every night Rollo came and said hi, and we chatted, flirted, and said our goodbyes. Every night we waited for Kodos to show himself to me, my scar completely visible from my left shoulder blade to my mid back. The scar Kodos would recognize as “his mark” when he saw me. But a week had gone by and we still hadn’t managed to find Kodos, or rather, he hadn’t managed to find us.

                I was losing my patience. With the situation. With people. With everything. It was pretty much gone.

                “Jaemi, why do you insist on going out there and looking for him? He’s not here. If he hasn’t shown up by now, he’s not going to.” Bones said, following after me towards the transporter pad.

                “He’ll show, Bones.” I replied quickly, sure that I was correct. I knew why Kodos would show up eventually, but no one else did, they’d just have to take my word for it.

                “You can’t possibly know that. What would make him stay here after the last one of the Nine disappeared?” He argued. He just didn’t like me dressing, as he called, ‘like a tramp who’s asking for it’ and going planet-side to a bar every night.

                “He’s going to show, it may not be tonight, or tomorrow, or next week. But he will show. He. Will. Show.” I knew he would. He had to. I was the only one left. Two nights ago I got a message from Starfleet that Riley had been declared dead, officially. On Rigel V. He’d been discharged from Starfleet after the Khan incident and found a job on Rigel V. I hadn’t seen him since we’d been here, and a part of me deflated when I’d heard the news of his death. Another part of me welled up in anger, in rage. I wanted Kodos dead now more than anything, and when it came down to it, I wasn’t going to capture him. I would kill him.

                “I’m calling bullshit. You must have a death wish, Jaemi. Starting bar fights, injuring yourself in the gym while you punch and kick of the hanging bag. Running on the treadmill until you collapse. I’ve seen you in sickbay three times this week because of your stubbornness alone. Besides, how do you know you guys will even recognize Kodos now? The picture we have is at least a decade old, and he’s probably using a disguise if he’s been able to get around this long, killing off survivors and shit.”

Bones had stopped in the middle of the hallway right outside the transporter room. I stopped as well, but mainly at his words, they struck a chord of anger in me so violent I wanted to punch something. Something hard and unbreakable. I’d been feeling like that a lot this past week. I hadn’t been sleeping well. I was getting short with everyone easier, it was starting to show, I knew it, but I couldn’t help it.

                “I don’t have a death wish! Not for myself anyway. And we don’t have to recognize him.” I all but screamed and did an abrupt about face away from him and started into the transporter room where the Spock and the security team were probably already waiting.

                “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I heard Bones yell from behind me. I stopped, seeing red, my anger taking over. I looked right at him, he’d followed me into the room and I was stepping on the pad when I turned around.

                “Because I will.” I said sternly, my jaw clenched, heart rate elevated, and a bead of sweat forming on my forehead. Yeah I was pissed. But before Bones could process the meaning of my words, I turned to Scotty who was standing behind the transport console, a confused look on his face. “Energize.”

                The last thing I saw before appearing in our normal spot half a mile from the bar was Bones’ face. A face that told me I wasn’t going to be getting any peace tonight when we came back empty handed again. He’d spent the last week since my bar fight trying to press me for answers, tonight he was going to demand an explanation.

                We beamed back up from the usual spot, having gained nothing from the bar. But, I now knew with a certainty that Kodos was here. I ran out of the transporter room without even speaking to anyone, without giving any orders or explanation. Yes, I actually ran. Bones followed close behind, as well as Spock.

                I heard the door hiss open from the bathroom, where I’d locked myself in, presumably Bones or Spock used one of their override codes.

                “What is your deal? Why did you just run out of the transporter room without even so much as a thank you to Scotty? You blitzed out of there so fast even the hobgoblin was having trouble catching up to you.” Bones, was, exaggerating of course, he and Spock had followed close behind, Spock keeping up with Bones instead of catching up to me for some reason, even though he could clearly out run Bones, being a Vulcan.

                “GET OUT BONES!” I yelled from the bathroom. I’d locked myself in the bathroom, hyperventilating. I’d seen him. He’d seen me, just as we were leaving. Just as we were transporting back to the ship. I knew if we went back, he’d be ready, and I didn’t know if I was ready for that tonight. I didn’t think I’d freak out so badly at just _seeing_ him. It made me nervous for tomorrow. Because, well, he WOULD be there tomorrow, now that he’d seen me and knew I’d seen him. He would be prepared for it. We needed to be too. But I didn’t know how to tell them that. I didn’t know how to tell the away team to be prepared for him. For his reaction to me. For my reaction to him.

                “Get your ass out of the bathroom, Jaemi! Don’t make me get Spock to reprogram the locks!”

                “No.” My voice came out in a whisper now, a complete contrast to the loud yelling just a moment ago. My breath was short, really short, I think this is what people call panic attacks.

                “Jaemi, you need to tell us what’s going on. Don’t make me declare you emotionally compromised.” Bones retorted, his voice was softer now, as if he didn’t want to carry out his threat. It was enough for me. It was enough of a threat that I stood up, unlocked the door, and opened it. Bones was standing there next to Spock.

                I guess my face said it all. Bones took about two seconds to process the sight of me before I was suddenly enveloped tightly in his arms. I didn’t fight it. After about a minute in silence, when my breath started to return to normal he finally released me.

                “Sit.” Bones commanded, pointing at my bed. Spock was still standing in the middle of the room, tense and erect as ever.

                I sat on the bed, pulling a pillow to me and hugging it in front of me on my lap. It was a classic barrier defense mechanism, one that spoke to my current state of mind. They each pulled a chair up to sit across from me. They expected me to tell them everything. And, I realized, I would have to. They needed to know. I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore, especially if I was going to react like this tomorrow when we would meet Kodos for sure.

                Luckily, Bones being Bones and assuming that this was going to be a tough conversation for me, decided to get out of his chair and grab a bottle of bourbon from my desk. The bottle was half full, because I’d drank the other half last night, trying to get to sleep.

                He handed to me and I immediately opened the bottle, taking a large swig of alcohol. I reminded myself to thank Bones at a late date for knowing me so well.

                “Alright. Talk.” He gave a second command. I took another large gulp of bourbon.

                “I saw him.” I said softly. Hoping that would be enough, knowing it wouldn’t be. Bones just looked at me, confused, but Spock, Spock seemed to understand exactly what I meant.

                “I assume the ‘him’ you are referring to would be Kodos.” Spock said evenly. It wasn’t a question, it was a statement of clarification, mostly for Bones’ sake.

                “Wait, what? You saw Kodos? When? Why didn’t you bring him aboard?” Bones rattled off frantically.

                “He was the man that passed us as we were transporting away from the usual spot.” Understanding dawned on Spock. We’d seen a man come out of the shadows just as we were energizing back to the ship, I’d seen his face. Kodos’ face.

                “Yep.”

                “Now wait just a damn minute! If you saw him as you were beaming back up to the ship why the hell didn’t you just beam right back down and grab his ass?” Bones asked, starting to get angry.

                “Because, he also saw me. Which would mean going back into a trap unprepared.” I said, starting to find my voice, trying not to go into another panic attack. “We couldn’t go back, not tonight. And when we go back tomorrow, he’ll be prepared, so we have to be too. I’m not leaving here empty handed.”

                “Just what the hell is going on? I think it’s about time you start offering some answers. You’ve been moody and erratic all week. You clearly haven’t been sleeping, and you’ve been drinking about half a bottle to a bottle of liquor every night since we got here.” He pointed to my desk where he’d grabbed the bottle of bourbon from. It was lined with empty bottles. “And then just now, you went straight into panic attack mode when you saw him, that’s what made you run out of the transporter room, isn’t it?”

                “Doctor, perhaps you should calm yourself and allow the captain to explain?” Spock finally interjected.

                “Yeah. Whatever.” Bones grumbled, but gave way for me to tell one of the biggest secrets of my life. “So. Explain. How’d you know it was Kodos? Obviously nobody else recognized him.”

                “Because he made eye contact with me. And I would know his eyes anywhere.” I replied as an involuntary shiver worked its way through my body. “You were right, I haven’t been _fine_ since I got word of this mission, and, by all rights I shouldn’t even be leading it, except that Admiral Keating knows why I would want to. And I do. I was just… taken by surprise tonight, that’s all.”

                “Get to it. You’re evading, and you’re not as good at it as pointy here is.” Bones gripped.

                I took another large gulp of bourbon straight from the bottle. I needed the liquid courage to help me to speak now. I decided one wasn’t enough. After two more large swigs, I decided I was ready.

                “Jesus, kid, slow down. I get this is obviously uncomfortable for you, but you don’t need to get hammered just to tell us what’s going on.” Bones said, trying to grab the bottle from me. I swatted his hand away quickly.

                “Yes, actually, I do.” I took another swig of bourbon, starting to finally feel the warmth of the first few drinks. “So, it won’t be in my file, because I’m sure you guys have already looked and could find no possible connection between me and Kodos, or Tarsus period. Well, maybe beyond my mother’s death on Tarsus. But I’m guessing you never found that I was even there.” Bones shook his head and Spock nodded once. “Well, that’s because it’s like top secret info. Really, Starfleet just didn’t want someone grabbing hold of my file after the whole Nero thing and someone catching wind that one of the ‘heroes of Earth’ was actually one of the Tarsus Nine.” I stopped there, allowing them to take in what I’d just revealed and me to drink a bit more. I knew they would want more information, and I was going to have to be pretty wasted to tell them anything in detail.

                They continued to stare at me in silence while I took another few swig shots straight from the bottle. Bones’ mouth was actually gapped wide open.

                “Anyway, you’re going to have to wait a few minutes before I start feeling wasty-pants before I tell you any details, and I know you want to know, so don’t even deny it.” I took another two large draughts. The bottle was almost gone and I was starting to feel the effects of straight bourbon having been consumed way too fast.

                “What is ‘wasty-pants’?” Spock asked, complete confused by my terminology for being drunk.

                “Drunk. She means she needs to be drunk in order to talk to us about her past, even though we’re her best friends, even though we have her best interests in mind. Even though we both care about her enough to stand by her through all this madness, and her own madness.” Bones rambled, irritated.

                “Look, just because I love you guys doesn’t mean that telling you the darkest parts of me is easy, ok. So forgive a girl when she’s gotta get fuckin wasted to tell you about the worst part of her life. You have no fuckin idea what Tarsus was like, what Kodos was like, so stop bitching about it and just let me fuckin tell you the way I can.” I spat out at bones, slurring my words slightly. Yeah, this was good bourbon. I’d have to remember to thank Bones later on for introducing it to me. When I wasn’t drunk and pissed off that is.

                “Fine. Tell us about it.” Bones said.

                “So, obviously I already told you I was one of the Nine. Well, there’s more to it than that. There’s a reason the nine of us survived, when we were supposed to die by Kodos’ decree.” I paused, taking the last drink of the bourbon. “When Kodos killed my Mother right in front of my eyes, well he didn’t actually kill her, just stood behind his death squad and ordered them to fire, he almost killed me too. Until he decided to look up and stop the death squad from firing on me. He decided to keep me instead.” I took a breath and noticed that Bones’ face started to twist into mild disgust. He hadn’t even heard the half of it yet. Spock’s face was still, even, cold and detached. If he felt anything about what I was saying, I couldn’t tell what it was.

                “Anyway, there were eight other kids that had escaped when the death squads were sent to their homes, they weren’t the lucky ones. Their parents were. And the only reason they had the chance to escape was because of the systematic approach Kodos took to killing off half of the population, starting at one edge of the colony and working his way through. Anyway, he brought me along for each and every execution. Every single time he went to one personally, I got to stand there with him and watch. And if I tried to intervene… I was punished, severely.”

                Bones’ face started twisting into disgust even more, but he remained silent, out of shock or the need to know more, I don’t know. Spock, well, Spock was being Spock like. Silent. Controlled. Too controlled. I knew now that my story was affecting him.

                “After each execution visit, Kodos would take me back to his house, the grandest one in the colony, and he… well the scar on my back is when I attacked him after the first execution visit. When I tried to get him off of me. He took the knife he kept in his bedside table and told me that if I was going to attack him he would punish me for it. That he wouldn’t want to mar my pretty face, but that my back was of no consequence, since the only time he would see it is if he wanted to ride behind me.” God thank the person who invented bourbon. And the body’s ability to go into shock. Because that mixture was doing wonders for keeping my voice even. “Well, after the tenth execution visit, I couldn’t take it anymore. They were about halfway through the colony at that point, and Kodos had left me alone at his house, under guard of course.”

                I took a deep breath and looked down into my lap again. I hadn’t been able to make eye contact with either of them the whole time, and I wasn’t going to be able to now.

                “I found the knife that Kodos kept in his bedside table, the one he’d used to cut my back up with, and I killed the three guards in his house so I could escape. The first one was easy, he was half asleep standing outside Kodos’ room. He didn’t even see it coming when I slashed his throat. The next guard saw me coming, but too late, because when he finally un-holstered his phaser I was too close for him to shoot. I stabbed in the gut first, causing him to double over, then slashed his throat open like the first guard. The third guard heard him drop and came to investigate. He brandished his phaser and fired at me, but missed somehow. I guess the sight of a teenage girl covered in blood from head to toe was unsettling. I rushed him and started to stab him. I stabbed him thirteen times before I finally stopped. He was dead after the third one, when I cut through his femoral artery. But I couldn’t stop.”

                “I ran that night for the caves and found the other eight kids. We spent two weeks surviving. Starving, stealing, killing when we had to. By the time Starfleet came, half the colony was dead, Kodos was gone, and we were there. Nine kids who had fought and killed to stay alive. You know, I can still see the faces of those guards, and of every single person who I saw executed. That’s why I can’t sleep at night. That’s why seeing Kodos tonight was… bad. Kodos still probably thinks of me as that scared little teenage girl who he beat into submission physically and emotionally. And you know what, seeing him tonight, it scared the shit out of me. It made me feel like I was thirteen again. I won’t be so unprepared next time. Next time, I’m going to kill him. And no, I’m sorry if you feel like we aren’t judge, jury, and executioner, but for this, for Kodos, I am. That bastard deserves to die a thousand times.”

                They sat there in silence, in shock, in disbelief. I was drunk, and thanking the powers that be that I was. Because I had just told them the darkest secrets of my life. I had just painted a picture of their captain that was far from pretty. I was a murderer, a victim, and abuser all in one. And I wanted revenge. I wanted redemption. I wanted to kill Kodos with every fiber in my being.

                “Don’t you guys even dare say I’m emotionally compromised. I fucking know I am. But I’m going to kill that bastard if it’s the last thing I do. We are going back to the bar tomorrow night and he will be there. He knows I’m here now. He won’t stop at the chance to find me now. He’s not going to want to let me escape from him again, and he knows I’ll be back. He knows I want him dead.”

                “Captain, perhaps it would be best to inform Starfleet of the situation and allow someone else to take over this mission.” Spock was the first one to speak after a moment of silence.

                “Starfleet fucking knows the situation. Admiral Keating knows at least. He’s the one who CHOSE me for this mission, because he knows I will do ANYTHING to make sure it succeeds. And it will. We are NOT handing this over to someone else. I can’t fucking believe you would even suggest that after what I just fucking told you!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, standing up and threw my pillow at Spock. He merely caught it which pissed me off even more.

                “Jaemi, I hate to agree with him, but he’s right. You don’t need to do this.” Bones said, standing up and stopping me from reaching Spock before I could attack him physically.

                I struggled against Bones for about a minute, not wanting to hurt him, but too enraged to not win. As soon as I shook myself free of his grasp Spock stood up and did the only thing he could. He… hugged me.

                The hug wasn’t an emotional thing. It wasn’t to show affection. It was to keep me from attacking him, from hurting Bones too. I struggled in his hold for less than a minute, hitting him where I could, too emotional myself to feel if he was transferring any of his own thoughts or emotions to me, since his bare hands were touching my bare back. I was still wearing the outfit I had gone to the bar in earlier. A backless, sleeveless blouse and short jean shorts.

                After I realized my struggle was futile, Spock being three times stronger than me, of course, I broke down then. Everything hit me at once and I just started to bawl like a five year old girl. I didn’t notice when Bones had left the room. I just realized he was no longer there at one point.

                When I finally stopped crying, having exhausted every bit of tears I had, Spock continued to hold me. I didn’t fight it. I allowed it. I didn’t try to put the distance back between us now. He knew everything. Had probably felt everything I did in that time of holding his arms tightly around him. And part of me was relieved. Relieved that I was finally close to him again, even if it was because of Kodos.

                Part of me, the part that remembered what I’d seen in the mind meld with other Spock, the part of me I’d been pushing down for so long, that part of me accepted this intimate contact with Spock, relished in it, even through the pain and heartache. Because after I stopped crying, after the anger and shame I felt started to dissipate, I knew I would never have the chance to be this close with Spock again. I knew that we would never have what his older self and my counterpart had in that other timeline. So I finally let myself feel, for just a moment, feel what I’d been trying not to want for so long, with him in that moment.

               And it was nice. It was peaceful. It was contentment. And I knew I would never feel it again. I knew that in another moment the distance between us would return and I would be alone again.

              "Jaemi, you are not, and never will be alone." Spock whispered into my ear, still holding me tightly in his arms.

 

               

                 


	6. Green Eyes, Brown Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemi is kidnapped. An unexpected person shows up. And Spock comes to the rescue... or does he?

                “Spock, I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.” I said with my bare back, once again, facing the door of the bar. I’d made the command decision, against Bones’ and Spock’s _better judgement_. He was, as per usual, faced towards the door but turned slightly towards me.

                His reply was an uncharacteristic sigh. I mean, Spock actually sighed. Audibly. It was quick, possibly something he had always done, but I noticed it now.

                I thought about the contact we’d had last night, how he’d held me while I broke down. How he didn’t make me feel weak for doing it. And the one thing he said before I told him I was fine and needed to sleep. I was so confused, but, I couldn’t afford to think about that now. I needed to be alert. Kodos would show up tonight, while we were here. I knew he would show tonight, just as he knew I would be here tonight.

                I ordered a drink to settle my nerves. Just one. Spock turned towards me and looked at me with a raised brow. Translation: you remember the last time you ordered a drink here and you were infected with some crazy alien toxin that got you so plastered you passed out and Bones had to perform his medical magic on you? I returned his brow raise with a death glare of my own, narrowing my eye. Translation: don’t even bother saying anything, I understand the risk and I warrant that my nerves are more of a risk right now. It lasted mere seconds, but that type of non-verbal communication was probably one of the top few things I enjoyed with Spock. When we weren’t avoiding each other, we could have entire conversations with just our eyes; they were usually arguments, but it was pretty cool regardless.

                We spent the next hour chatting about ship business. Of course, Spock doesn’t chat, but I’d informed him after the fourth night that unless I was otherwise engaged in conversation with one of the many men or women, who tried to pick me up in the bars, it would look less suspicious if we talked. Tonight’s chatting was far less awkward than the other nights had been, and I wasn’t complaining. It was enough, combined with my one drink, to soothe my nerves about Kodos waltzing in the bar at any moment and having to face him.

                I think Spock knew this. I also think he knew a small part of me, okay a very big part of me right now, was absolutely terrified of seeing Kodos face to face again. I thought this, because when I said I needed to use the ladies’ room, he tried to follow me.

                “Spock, I think I can pee on my own. I’ll be fine. The door’s right there,” I pointed to the bathrooms which were about twenty feet off the left of the front door and to the right of where he was standing. “I’ll be back in less than five minutes. Promise.” I turned around and laughed to myself. Did Spock think he was going to follow me into the bathroom?

                I walked into the bathroom and as soon as the door closed behind me I wished that Spock had followed me in. Someone grabbed me from behind, someone much stronger than I was, and managed to stab me in the neck with a needle just as I started to break their hold of me. As I quickly lost consciousness I thought how pissed off I was that Spock had been, as usual, right. Damn Vulcans.

                I woke to darkness, but the first thing that I noticed, was the smell. A smell I hadn’t smelled in over a decade. The smell of ocean drift-wood. The fragrance Kodos used to pump through his house on Tarsus. The smell, although nice, makes me want to puke. I’ve been to the ocean exactly once since I was rescued from Tarsus, with Bones. And my reaction forever had Bones puzzled.

                I tried to take stock of my surroundings. I was in a bed. I rolled over to both sides, it was a queen size bed. Capable and roomy enough for two. The bedding felt… nice… luxurious. I couldn’t see anything, which meant that whatever room I was in had no windows. Beneath the fake fragrance of ocean driftwood, it smelled… muggy? Damp? Stale? That would make sense as to why the fragrance was so strong. I was underground. Which meant that I wouldn’t be able to be transported out, most likely, even if there weren’t the probable anti-beaming wards up that I knew Kodos would have installed just to keep me here. I wondered how long I’d been out. Better yet, how the hell was I going to get out of here?

                Apparently the mere thought of escape brings your captor(s) back to you, because not a second later I heard his voice.

                “Lights.” I blinked. Hard. Why hadn’t I thought of that? Oh wait, because I was just kidnapped and my brain wasn’t working right? “Ah, Jaemisen, you’re awake. Good.”

                “What the fuck do you want with me, Kodos?” I seethed. The bad thing was, I wasn’t really in a position to be asking questions. I didn’t know where I was, how many people he had covering the place, how to even get back to a place where I could be found. I was alone and didn’t even have a weapon.

                “Our time together was oh so short, don’t you think? Besides, you’re all grown up now. Think of how much fun we could have together.” He smiled. The sick fuck actually smiled at me. He hadn’t come any closer, though, just stood in the doorway. So there was a doorway, and outside of the doorway I could sort of see someone standing there. Standing guard. So I had a guard. Of course. But through the doorway I saw what I knew I would, but was hoping I wouldn’t. A tunnel. Dressed up, to make it look like a hallway in a home, but it was a tunnel nonetheless. Underground. I was definitely underground.

                “No, honestly, I thought we had too much time together. So why don’t you just let me go and I’ll be out of your hair again.” I didn’t know how I was doing it. Being sarcastic. I guess it was just natural for me, because inside, I was freaking out. Normally cool and collected Captain Kirk was gone. I was a bundle of nerves and distant memories that were bombarding me as he stood there, looking… well shit, even younger than he had when he was governor.

                If I didn’t know it was Kodos and that he was a sick and twisted disgusting example of what a human could be, I would think he was pretty hot. However, I did know him. Which made him as ugly as possible to me.

                “Ah. But, Jaemisen, I’ve missed you. And I’ve taken care of your pesky little friends from the colony. You didn’t even have a communicator or weapon on you when we found you, so your Starfleet friends don’t even know where you are. I bet they’ve stopped looking by now. So, you see, we can play again.” Kodos replied. He still hadn’t moved from the doorway, probably thinking I was still figuring out a way to escape, and knowing that if he came anywhere close to me right now I’d try to kill him with my bare hands. He might look younger, but he was older.

                “Well, sorry to say, I haven’t missed you one bit. And how long have I been here?” I asked, suddenly realizing that I really needed to use the bathroom. “I need to relieve myself, got a place I can do that at?” If I could find the bathroom I could find out more about where I was. It did not use to run right now. I didn’t have a clear understanding of the place, or people in it.

                “Of course, Jaemisen dear. Please, follow me.” He turned around. Actually turned his back on me. So, he didn’t think I would attack him after all. No, he knew I wouldn’t. He knew it would be stupid of me to do so, and knew I knew it too. At least, not right now. Which meant, that whatever the trip to the bathroom would reveal, it wouldn’t be enough. He also didn’t answer how long I’d been here for. I noticed that, but didn’t ask again.

                I followed him down the tunnel hallway for about fifteen seconds. He motioned to a door on the right of the hallway. I’d passed two guards in that fifteen seconds. The first guard that was right outside the bedroom I was being kept in, which, minus the bed was pretty Spartan bare. The second guard had been posted in front of a doorway between the bedroom and the door I’d just been led to, the bathroom.

                The bathroom itself was pretty basic. It was small, just room enough for a toilet, sink, and shower. Not something I would have thought of Kodos being okay with, but then again, it _was_ underground. However, the towels were expensive. High thread Egyptian cotton towels. Such a Kodos feature, like the bedding in the sparse bedroom. His home on Tarsus had been similar. Simple, clean, uncluttered, but filled with luxurious items of comfort.

                He was waiting for me when I finished in the bathroom. I’d decided to take a shower too. If I was going to have to play his game, I might as well be clean doing it.

                “I have fresh clothing for you, in the bedroom you were in earlier.” He said, then motioned for me to move on ahead of him back to the bedroom. I did, but not without noticing the guard by the door in between the bathroom and bedroom. He was armed, phaser strapped to his hip, and looked alert. We made eye contact, and I could swear he looked familiar in a way, but I couldn’t place it, something about his eyes.

                Kodos didn’t follow me into the bedroom, but allowed me to change alone. I thought it was weird, that maybe he was playing a game with me. He had to be. This was Kodos I was thinking about. He had an endgame, and it was definitely more than just making me his favorite sex slave again.

                The clothing he’d set out for me was basic. Clean, thankfully, and seemed to the right size. The top was white, sleeveless, but flowing. It would reach right before my knees when I put it on, and the fabric was light. It looked, comfortable, when I held it up. I took off my own top, which was barely anything at all and somewhat dirty. The flowing tank was… nice. Simple, and yes, it was comfortable. It had a slight V-neck cut in it, but not enough to reveal any cleavage, unlike my own top I’d worn out to the bar. The pants were jeans, cut to a capris length. Even the jeans were the perfect size, and the outfit itself seemed to fit together. I still wore my own shoes, which, thankfully, hadn’t been heels. I’d chosen to wear basic black flats when we went out that night. I’d wanted something I could run in.

                I took my hair down and ran my fingers through it to comb it out. He’d stocked the shower with nice smelling shampoo and conditioner, but I hadn’t found a brush in there at all, then again, I hadn’t really been looking for it. I’d been looking for something, anything, to use as a possible weapon. There wasn’t anything. The only thing I could have used would have been the rod the towels were on, but it’d been screwed into the wall of rock.

                I was almost certain Kodos had forgot about me by the time I’d gone back to the bed and laid down again, trying to think of a way to escape. Then I heard a knock on the door before it opened. It was the guard from the middle doorway.

                “Lord Kodos requests your presence for the evening meal in fifteen minutes.” The guard said, closing the door behind him as he entered the room, and then it hit me. I knew this man. I knew why he’d looked familiar.

                “Nui’Toa?” I couldn’t help myself. I stared at him. My blue eyes met his startling green ones. “What the hell are you doing here?”

                “I have been undercover since you left my planet. The empire wants to get back at Kodos. He killed two of our elders on Tarsus, as well as their daughter recently. I was tasked with getting close to him, and killing him at the best possible opportunity. I had just gained entry into his personal guard the day after you were taken. He does not suspect me. As glad as I am that out paths have crossed once again, I must say, I am not glad now is the time.”

                “What do you mean?” I asked. I’d stood up from the bed by then and moved closer to him in order to whisper.

                “That man is vile. He has already killed eight others in the past two weeks.”

                “Shit. Some of them were only declared missing, but I guess I already knew they were dead.” I sighed. So, Kodos was going to kill me. “They’re the other survivors, part of the Nine. I’m guessing you know about them.”

                “Yes. Arora Tapu was one of them. You knew her?” He asked in astonishment. Both at my having been one of the Nine, and the fact that I knew someone else from Tangata.

                “Yes. She was… my best friend on Tarsus. Even before the famine. When I found the other eight, and saw she was there, I half rejoiced, half felt horribly. I watched her parents die. I didn’t do anything to stop it. Kodos… he’d take me to the executions he would preside over. Her parents were the last ones I saw before I escaped him. I can’t believe she’s gone. I had no idea she was from the Empire. Her parents… I mean, they were like a second family to me.” I cried again for the loss I had experienced over ten years ago. For the loss I had experienced when I was told that Arora had been found dead a week ago.  “Wait, how did they leave the empire? It was allowed?”

                “Yes, they were tasked to live on the colony and seek out information about the planet. We were looking for a specific plant that was the only known cure to an illness that had become an epidemic on Tangata. Tarsus was said to have the plant growing in abundance. We made a deal with the Federation. To give them access to dilithium crystals for ten years in exchange for a family, a respected family, to live on Tarsus and ship large quantities of the plant back to Tangata.” He paused for a moment, looking away from me before resuming.

“We were able to get enough of the plant to produce enough of the cure for the Tangata people, but the famine and Kodos hit before the next shipment was due to be shipped out. The Emperor’s wife died due to this. She had refused treatment until all the women of Tangata were treated first. The women were not always treated the way you have experienced, but they have never been equal to men on Tangata. The emperor’s policies and views of women are what they are due to his wife’s death. He blames the Tangata women for the death of his wife, and that blame has since grown to all women.  When the Emperor heard of what transpired on Tarsus… well I’m here now. It took us just as long to find Kodos as it did the Federation.” He finished rather anti-climatically. I just stared at him, open mouthed. I’d had no idea.  “Arora Tapu was my niece.” He whispered. “She wrote to me often, and spoke very highly of you. When she returned to Tangata, she told me of how you saved her life.”

“Holy shit.” I couldn’t say anything else. He’d known who I was when he fought against me then. He’d known all along. I couldn’t believe it. “Why’d she leave the Empire? I’m sure she wasn’t killed on Tangata.”

“No. She left at my urging. I didn’t want to see her treated the way the other women were. She wouldn’t have understood it. As soon as she was well enough to travel, I sent her to Earth, hoping she would find you again. I can see now that she never did. I told her never to contact me while I was on Tangata, and after she left, I was locked away for a time, for disobedience. It was why I was chosen to fight against you. It was to shame me, to fight against a woman. In fact, the only reason I am here is because I am… expendable.”

“So the Emperor lied then?” What I didn’t say was he lied when he said Nui’Toa was the most fearsome warrior they had.

“No. I am the most fearsome warrior the Tangata Empire has to offer. He just omitted the fact that I was also the most disgraced man on Tangata. He saw this assignment as perfect for both him and I. He cannot kill me because I am his nephew. So he has sent me to deal justice to the murderer of his sister and her family.”

“Well shit. So, you said you entered Kodos’ personal guard the day after I was taken. But I just woke up today. How long have I been here?”

“Four days.” He responded solemnly.

“Wait. I’ve been unconscious for three god damn days? How the hell? No, never mind, I don’t want to know. Just tell me, do you know how to get the fuck out of here?”

“Yes. But first, I must kill Kodos.”

“Yeah. Me too. How do you feel about a partner?” I flashed him a wicked smile.

“I would be most grateful to have you as a partner in my mission, Captain Kirk.” Nui’Toa agreed respectfully.

“Please, it’s Jaemi. So, how hard is it going to be to escape after we kill Kodos?” I asked, knowing it wasn’t going to be easy.

“It will be… difficult. The door I was guarding earlier is the exit. Outside are two more guards, beyond that, there is a walkway that is guarded at the end by a high gate with five roaming guards on the inside of it. Outside that gate are two more guards. Beyond the gate we should have no problem from Kodos’ men.”

“Well, this should be fun. Shit, dinner, it’s been almost fifteen minutes, hasn’t it?” Nui’Toa nodded in the affirmative. “Okay. So, here’s the plan. You’re going to escort me to dinner. Make sure to stay inside the room, I don’t care how you do it, but I’ll need you in there. Then, we’ll subdue Kodos and kill him. Hopefully he isn’t as strong as he used to be, but I think I can manage as long as he isn’t armed. Then, we just systematically take out his guards as we escape.”

“A simple but effective plan. In any case, I will be staying in the dining area. Kodos personally asked me to, if you were to become… problematic. I had already planned to help you escape after killing him.”

“Sweet. Well, I guess it’s time to eat. I know I’m starved.” I smiled at him again, and this time he smiled back. Good god was it a sexy smile too. He turned around and opened the door. “Follow me to the dining area.” He said loudly, enough that the guard at the entrance, who had obviously taken over for him, heard and looked our way momentarily. I followed him past the bathroom I’d used earlier, and we ended up at what appeared to be the only other door in the tunnel. The dining area. I guessed that it was attached to a kitchen of sorts, but that had to be it. It was a small underground place, but it suited Kodos’ purpose. I suddenly wondered where the guards slept. I hadn’t asked that. But as Nui’Toa hadn’t mentioned it, I guessed it wouldn’t be a problem.

He opened the door, allowing me to enter before him, and closed it behind us both. Kodos was already sitting down at the table in the small room. The table itself was a long rectangular shape and simple, but looked to be handmade and expensive. It was large enough to seat a family of eight comfortably, but was set for two.

“Please, sit, and enjoy the meal I have had prepared for us.” Kodos said, his voice even and amicable. He motioned to the seat next to him, on his left. He intended for me to sit next to him. Well, he was either cocky and arrogant, or wanted me to try and attack him. Probably the latter of the two. He probably wanted me to attack him and then be subdued by Nui’Toa, who to anyone else looked… scary. But I wasn’t just anyone else. I’d gained Nui’Toa’s respect, and I was his new partner in his mission of revenge.

Kodos had no idea what was in store for him tonight. He’d given me the perfect place sit. Perfect for my plans. And Nui’Toa would be helping me, not him.

I sat down next to Kodos, using every ounce of control I had not to attack him right then and there. I needed to eat. I obviously hadn’t eaten for three days, almost four, and I didn’t know when the next time I would be able to eat was.

“I trust the clothing is comfortable for you?” Kodos said just as a server came out and placed two plates of food on the table. The food smelled delicious. I remembered that I probably shouldn’t eat anything after all. Kodos might have had my food drugged. Damn, I was so fucking hungry. I looked at the food, salivating, but not moving to eat.

“I assure you the food has not been altered in anyway. I have not instructed the cook to drug it. You are a guest here, please, eat. You must be hungry.” He smiled at me when I looked up to him.

“If I’m a guest why was I drugged to be brought here? Against my will, I remind you?” I couldn’t help myself. The words were out faster than I could think to keep them from escaping my lips and my tone of voice was the opposite of friendly. Kodos, apparently, wasn’t fazed by it at all. 

“Jaemisen, I regret that your… coming here was less than amicable, but you must understand. You would not have followed me willingly, would you have?” I just stared at him. Of course I wouldn’t have. “I thought not. In any case, you need to eat. I have plans for the evening, which, involve you, and I would rather you not be malnourished for them.” His voice didn’t give away his _plans_ but I knew what he meant. It was the same as it was on Tarsus when he’d held me captive. He’d feed me, take me back to his bedroom, and then force himself on me. Good thing Nui’Toa and I had a plan. I accidentally looked over at him then. He hadn’t flinched at what Kodos said to me. But his eyes gave away that he knew exactly what Kodos had planned.

Good thing it would never get that far. I would kill him first.

So I ate. In silence, thankfully. At the conclusion of our meal, which I had asked for seconds and thirds of, trying to eat as much as possible. Kodos had finished after his first plate.

“I assume you have been sated?” He asked, a smirk on his face. “I think it’s time for desert.” He smirk grew into a smile, a smile that threatened to make me throw up everything I’d just eaten.

“The food was… satisfactory.” I took a leaf out of Spock’s book. I sounded like a robot. If was going to kill him, I needed to act now. I glanced at Nui’Toa, who nodded and took a step forward.

Everything happened so fast it was hard to believe it happened at all.

I took the knife I used to cut up the chicken breast from my meal and lunged at Kodos. Nui’Toa held him back from being able to counter my move. I was quick and efficient. I sliced open his throat as easily as if I had sliced through butter, after stabbing his carotid artery first. Nui’Toa snapped his neck with his bare hands for good measure.

My nice comfy white top was now covered in Kodos’ blood, as was my face.

The cook came rushing into the dining area from the commotion. Nui’Toa didn’t even hesitate. He took the knife from Kodos’ place, since it hadn’t been cleared yet, and threw it at the cook. Who, was, at second glance, much to buff to be a simple cook. He probably did double duty for Kodos. The knife throw was excellent. Especially for it being an eating utensil. The knife landed in the cook/guard’s carotid artery. The stupid cook tried to dislodge the knife from his neck, which just resulted in him bleeding out.

I shook my head.

“Weapons?” I asked Nui’Toa as he turned back towards me. He brandished a second phaser out of nowhere and handed it me, showing me his strapped to his hip which he was no un-holstering. He also handed me one of two large knives he had strapped to him as well.

“I came prepared.” He shrugged.

Clearing the little underground home, I guess you could call it that, maybe hideout was better, was easy. There was only one more guard to dispatch, and Nui’Toa took care of him. Slicing his throat quickly, before the guard even had time to realize that Nui’Toa wasn’t approaching him to relieve him of his duty.

We stood on the inside of the door for a moment, knowing there were two guards standing outside. It was a good thing Nui’Toa had used the knife and not his phaser.

“Phasers ready. Set to kill.” He said. I brought my phaser up to a firing position after calibrating it. I would think about the killing later, when I wasn’t in survival mode.

He opened the door and took out the guard on the right as I took out the guard on the left. Two down, five more to go before we could exit and take out the other two.

“Follow me, they will not fire right away if you are behind me.” He said. And I did as he told.

When we finally reached the high wall one of the guards approached us.

“What is your business? Why do you have the prisoner?” Oh, so I _was_ a prisoner. Fucking lying bastard. It didn’t matter. He was dead now.

“My business is my own.” Nui’Toa responded. What I didn’t expect was him taking the guard by the wrist and throwing him to the ground. He then fired at two of the remaining guards, killing them in an instant before they could fire back. I did the same.

I would’ve thought Kodos to have hired better guards, but I guess a guy who wasn’t supposed to be alive and was hiding from both the Federation and the Tangata Empire hired who he could.

“Two more.” I said. Kodos punched in a code at the gate and the doors started to swing open. These two guards were ready for us, phasers at the ready as we stepped out of the gateway.

They fell, unconscious. I looked at Nui’Toa and his eyes were searching. He hadn’t fired either.

What the hell? I bent down and checked the pulses of the two guards. Alive. Just unconscious. They had been stunned. I guess I had finally been found. And sure enough, there was the voice I knew would be there.

“Captain, are you injured?” I heard Spock’s voice, looked up to see him standing in front of Nui’Toa.

“I’m fine, Spock. It’s not my blood.” I realized he must have seen my shirt. “Nui’Toa, Spock. Spock, Nui’Toa.” I did the only thing I could think of. “Nui’Toa helped me to escape.” I said hurriedly, hoping Spock wouldn’t think he was a threat. Nui’Toa was far from that.

“This is the man you fought against on the Tangata mission.” Spock pointed out the obvious, something he only did when he was in some state of shock. He turned to Nui’Toa. “How have you come to be here?”

“Spock, let it go. Let’s just get back to the ship. I could use a shower, and I’m sure Nui’Toa could too.” Nui’Toa, like me, was soaked in blood. “Yes, he’s coming with us. Don’t argue with me. I’m not in the mood.” I said darkly, glaring at him, his dark eyes seemed to soften somewhat in compliance. “How’d you find me anyway?”

“The ring. We were alerted to your signal minutes ago.” Spock replied. Shit. I should’ve thought of that before. But then again, if they only got wind of my signal minutes ago, that would have been when we left the underground complex.

“I was being held underground. I was unconscious before today.” I explained. He nodded. I looked around for someone else, but couldn’t find anyone He’d come down alone I realized then. Well, shit. “You’re alone.” I said. “Why?”

“I did not want to risk the lives of the crew.” He replied. It wasn’t an excuse. He shouldn’t have come alone. I realized then he came alone because he didn’t think he’d find me alive… that’s the only reason he would have come alone.

“You thought my signal was Kodos leaving his hideout. You were going to kill him.” I said. He didn’t respond, didn’t nod, he just continued to look at me. It was answer enough. He pulled out his communicator from his pocket.

“Spock to Enterprise. Three to beam up.” He said, his brown eyes still locked on mine.

 

 

 


	7. Yes, I Am Aware

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemi finally relieves some tension... and gains some back when someone realizes what's going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated M for sexual content as well as language now. If you don't mind the smut, keep on reading.  
> The moment you've all been waiting for is here...or is it?  
> You'll find out!

                “Bones get off! I’m fine. It’s not my blood! Jesus.” I yelled. Bones had been waiting in the transporter room when we arrived, frantic. As soon as we materialized he’d grabbed my arm and pulled me along with him towards sickbay.

                He stopped dead, turning around to face me, his grip still tight around my arm, just above my wrist. He glared at me, darkly.

                “And do you want to tell me you’re not just a bit messed up in the head right now? After killing, I’m guessing Kodos and I can’t say I blame you, but brutally by the looks of it? I know you’re fine, physically. Kind of surprised, but good ole pointy would have let me know if you weren’t.” His voice was raised. Thankfully the hallway was empty. Spock and Nui’Toa weren’t around, presumably Spock took him somewhere else to get some answers out of him. My stomach did flips. Nui’Toa didn’t deserve his mistrust, after all, he’d helped me escape unscathed.

                “I’m fine, Bones. Nothing a nice long hot shower won’t fix. Besides, I have to contact Admiral Keating as soon as possible and let him know Kodos is dead. I’ve also got to write like half a dozen reports and contact the Tangata Empire.” He let go of my arm, slowly.

                “So it is him.” He said lamely. I guess he’d recognized Nui’Toa from when I had fought against him. I didn’t really ask Bones if he’d watched the match or not, and in turn, Bones never really told me he had either.

                “Yeah. That’s Nui’Toa.” I said and we resumed walking to sickbay. I gave in because I knew it was futile to resist at this point, and, well, I wouldn’t admit it out loud, but I was exhausted.

                We walked the rest of the way to sickbay in silence. Bones dropped unclasped his hand from my forearm. My head was spinning. I had reports to write. Admirals to please, and at least one of them wasn’t going to be pleased with me. I’d killed Kodos in cold blood. I’d killed others tonight too. I didn’t have to kill them. I could have stunned them, knocked them unconscious, but I hadn’t wanted to. They’d worked for Kodos, which, in my book, made them just as bad as Kodos himself. Still, the thought of taking a life, more than one life, it was… unsettling.

                Bones was right. I might be physically fine, but, my head was messed up again. Kodos might be dead, but he’d still managed to make me kill in his name again. I couldn’t stand it. I killed his guards to escape. It wasn’t like I’d wanted to kill them… I don’t think.

                God I need a drink.

                Bones sat me down on a bio-bed. Thankfully there wasn’t anyone in sickbay at the moment. He scanned me using a tri-corder, remaining oddly silent, not looking me in the eye the entire time. Not that it took long, a tri-corder scan only took about a minute and a half since he did the updates on them, reprogramming them to be more efficient.

                Finally, when he was done, his eyes came to rest on mine. “Jaemi.” He said. My name sounded like a statement, a question, and a plea all in one. His voice soft, but steady, willing me to understand his worry, his heartache while I was missing, thought dead. Asking me to understand why he needed to check me out, regardless of the fact that I was walking and talking and Spock hadn’t said I needed medical attention. Needing even more conformation that I was, in fact, alive and well.

                “I should go find them. I need to talk with them both before I start writing my reports.” I replied softly.

                “You should take a shower first.” He said, his voice still soft, but sounding a bit more normal than it had merely seconds ago. “I’ll swing by with a bottle of bourbon later on.”

                “It’s fine. Honestly, I kind of just want to be alone after I get official business out of the way. Thanks though.” I stood up and left before he could tell me otherwise, hearing him call my name as I walked out of sickbay.

                I got to my room and stripped out of the blood soaked clothes I was wearing quickly, throwing them into the trash chute. Even if they hadn’t been soaked in Kodos’ blood, I still wouldn’t have wanted to keep them.

                I took the longest shower I think I’d ever had while on the Enterprise. I just stood there, under running hot water, much longer than was necessary to clean off the dirt and blood. I think in a way I was hoping to wash off the death, the murder, the killing. Washing away my sins. Not that anything could possibly ever wash that away. Nothing had washed away the first three, nothing was going to wash away the most recent ones. I would always have that dark, sick and twisted side of me I guess.

                It was a wonder why I’ve never had any long-term intimate relationships with anyone. No one would understand, once they knew. And in order to have something good like that, you couldn’t keep that big of a secret. It just didn’t work.

                That was why, not matter how much I wanted to after seeing what the elder Spock had accidentally shown me on Delta Vega, no matter how amazing it seemed, I could never be more than just friends with Spock. And that was why, even though the distance he put between us hurt like hell and pissed me off, I eventually gave in and let it happen. No one deserved to see this side of me. To know what I was capable of.

                And then I’d fucked it all up and told him and Bones anyway. Well, mainly because I had to. Even then, drunk as hell, it had felt good to get it out in the open, to not hide that part of my life anymore. There were still things I hadn’t shared. Plenty, in fact. And as much as part of me was relieved to have told them about Tarsus, about Kodos, about killing his guards so brutally, a part of me was, well shit, is terrified of what they think of me now. How can they still want to serve under me, have me as their captain, knowing what I am capable of? Knowing how much of a mess I really must be? I don’t know.

                I wasn’t even going to think about the moment when I completely broke down in front of Spock and he held me. I couldn’t think about that. I just couldn’t.

                But what I could think about was where he was with Nui’Toa. What I could think about was the fact that Nui’Toa had known me before I knew him, and had known my deepest secret, well at least one part of my life I kept buried, before I’d even known him, and he hadn’t flinched in recoil. He hadn’t tried to push me away, or think of me less. He had accepted me, even more than I knew that day we fought against one another.

                That I could think about. Because in a way, he was just like me. He had his darkness inside of him too. And we shared a darkness. We shared Tarsus, in different ways, but it was something we shared.

                I need to find them.

                I finally allowed myself to get out of the shower and change into my uniform. The male uniform. Yellow/gold shirt, black pants, black boots, hair brushed up and twisted into a bun just above the base of my neck.

                No makeup.

                “Computer, locate Commander Spock.” I commanded the computer.

                “Commander Spock is currently located in the brig.” The computer responded. I saw red. Anger flashed through me instantly.

                What the fuck was Spock doing in the brig? Actually, I knew. The better question was why.

                I didn’t see anyone as I made my way to the brig. I must’ve passed at least a dozen different officers, but I didn’t bother to say hello or acknowledge them at all. I was way too pissed off. No, livid. I was too livid with Spock.

                “Commander.” My voice was almost at shouting volume. I would’ve cussed him out right there, in front of Nui’Toa, who was locked in the cell, force field up, Spock talking to him. “Release him from the cell. I need to have a word with you.

                Spock turned around, his gaze a challenge, and a question. But he complied nonetheless. I didn’t call him by rank unless I was thoroughly pissed off with him and he knew it. He pressed a button on the wall next to the cell and the field vanished. Nui’Toa didn’t move from his seat on the small bed in the cell. He did, however, meet my eyes. He understood from one look that I was going to pull Spock aside and chastise him. Nui’Toa, therefore, decided in that split second of non-verbal communication, to remain where he was.

                Spock walked towards me after releasing the field from the cell. I turned around, knowing he would follow. I waited until we were at the very least out of sight of Nui’Toa. I knew he’d probably hear me, regardless if we had stepped into the small office right outside of the cell block of the brig, kicking out the ensign who was on duty.

                “Ensign, please give the commander and I a few moments.” I demanded. The ensign looked up at me from his desk with a deer-in-headlights expression and quickly rose to his feet.

                “Of course, captain.” He rushed out of the small room and closed the door behind him.

                “Sit.” I told Spock. He sat in the place the ensign had just vacated. I remained standing. I started to pace.

                I had never, not once, actually reprimanded Spock. There was never a reason to. He was a ruler follower, unless I forced him not to, that is. I guess there’s a first time for everything.

                I stopped pacing after about a minute, coming to stand directly in front of Spock. Who, to his credit, sat completely erect at attention behind the security ensign’s desk.

                “What was that? Why the hell did you have Nui’Toa in a fucking _cell_? He’s not a god damned prisoner, commander. He’s the reason I was able to escape. If anything, you should be _thanking_ him, not locking him up. I want an explanation. Now!” Yeah, I was yelling. And probably anyone in the area could hear me, walls or not.

                “Captain, I merely sought to inquire as to whether he was a potential danger to yourself or the crew. As he was, apparently in the employ of Governor Kodos, regulation states that he should be formally questioned, in the brig.”

                “Well, you thought fucking wrong. He wasn’t in the employ of Kodos. And he’s not a fucking governor. He’s fucking dead. Nui’Toa was there on a mission for his Empire to KILL Kodos. He helped me to escape, and killed for me so we could. Which was painfully obvious to you when you beamed down, or you would have at least stunned him with your phaser. But you didn’t, why? Because you saw he had helped me. So why then, do I find, that after I had informed you to let it go, did you, in fact, not?”

                “Captain, as I have already stated, I thought it prudent to inquire as to the nature of his presence with Kodos. I apologize if my actions have not been in standing with your wishes.” Spock’s voice was cold and detached, his face expressionless, not even micro expressions for me to read. It pissed me off even more.

                “Bullshit. I’ve told you before, I can take care of myself. And you watched me fight him before, I won. If he had been a threat, I would have made sure that he wasn’t.” I took a deep breath, looking away from him for a moment. I needed to calm down. “Secure guest quarters for him and inform me when you are finished. I need to speak with him before I write my reports. I suggest that after you find him quarters, you write your own reports,” I really didn’t have to tell him what to do, he would have done it anyway, but I found that it was at the least, a little satisfying at the moment, “and then get some rest, commander. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. Tell Uhura to contact Admiral Keating and set up a conference for tomorrow. I’m not talking to Starfleet tonight. Then let Sulu know to get us out of orbit from Rigel V. I don’t care where, just get us away from here.”

                “As you wish, captain.” He replied, cold still. He didn’t even have the courtesy to pretend to look properly censured

                “Dismissed.” He stood, locked eyes with me for a moment, his gaze having softened somewhat, and then walked out.

                One step forward, five steps back.

                I waited until I was sure Spock had left the brig area and called the ensign back in to resume his post. I then walked into the cell block area of the brig to fin Nui’Toa still sitting on the small bed in the brig.

                “I’m sorry about that. He should have known better, but, he’s a stickler for regulations, and, as you were technically employed by Kodos, he brought you here to be questioned. Again, I’m sorry.”

                “Spock to captain.” My communicator went off, Spock’s even tone sounding.

                I took it out of my uniform pants pocket, glad that I had actually remembered to grab it. “Captain here.”

                “Guest quarters have been secured. Deck 6 room 8.”

                “Thank you. Kirk out.” I flipped it closed. At least Nui’Toa had quarters now, and a place to shower. He was still in his blood drenched clothing.

                He stood up then and walked towards me. I was caught off guard by the sheer mass of him. His muscles rippling as he walked, his penetrating green eyes locked on mine. I realized too late that I had given him a once over before our eyes locked. Way to be professional, Jaemi.

                “It is of no consequence. Your officer was merely following protocol. However, I am thankful for the ability to clean up. How might I find clean clothing?” He stopped inches from me, his green eyes still locked on mine, his deep voice stirring something inside of me that I wished it hadn’t.

                “I will send someone to your room with fresh clothing. I hope you don’t mind wearing a Starfleet uniform?” I asked, desperately trying to quell the heat that seemed to flash throughout my whole body. And the thought that it had been, in fact, quite a while since my last sexual encounter.

                “I will simply be gratified to no longer be wearing blood soaked clothing.” He replied, not moving an inch.

                “In that case, please, allow me to show you to your room.” I was the first to break eye contact, turning around to walk out of the brig. He followed silently. We passed quite a few security officers on our way out, since it was a shift change for them. I noticed their looks. Confusion, mostly. Horror in some. They took one look at Nui’Toa then at me and I knew that in less than a day the ship would be racked full of rumors.

                We stopped at his room. Deck 6, room 8. He walked inside and I followed. I waited for him to shower. While he showered a yeoman brought fresh clothing, a red uniform, for him. I took it and thanked her. Not thinking about the look of amusement on her face. She probably thought I was having intimate relations with whoever was the guest in the room. She might have been right. I could definitely see myself with Nui’Toa. He was… sexy. Rugged. A mass of muscle and man. And his eyes. His eyes lit a fire in my stomach that spread through my whole body.

                God, I needed to calm the hell down.

                I hoped I’d guessed his size well enough. He came out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel and I found myself staring at him. He found me staring at him as well. Heat flashed through my body once more. His bare chest was built. His shoulders were broad, and his arms were… huge. Toned to perfection. His dark brown hair was wet and hanging in curls, touching his shoulders instead of tied back and braided as it had been before.

                Yeah, the Yeoman might have been correct.

                “Uh, these are for you.” I awkwardly handed him the folded bundle of clothing in my arms after about a good minute and a half of staring down this half naked god in front of me. Apparently he didn’t mind one bit.

                He took them and placed them on the desk in the room before returning to look at me.

                “We need to go over what to write in my report, and I need to ask you where you want to go. I know you said you wouldn’t be returning to the empire, right?” I needed to keep talking. Talking about business. Anything else. I tried to look away, but found I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I keep my eyes off of him? Why?

                “If I may be so bold, it does not appear that you wish to talk at the moment.” He took a step closer to me, and then another step, until there were mere inches between us yet again. I could feel his body heat, and the heat from his shower coming off of him. I might have whimpered a bit.

                “It appears your mind is preoccupied with other thoughts.” He took another step closer until he was standing so directly in front of me I could no longer maintain eye contact with him. I could only see his chest. His body heat was enveloping me. “I would be more than happy to assist with your other needs, if you wish.” He bent his head slightly to whisper into my ear, his deep voice sounded sultry and seductive. Good god, I shivered with excitement, and trepidation. I can’t. I can’t do this with this man.

                But holy hell how much I want to.

                I shifted my head slightly and turned it up without thinking. It was the wrong thing to do. Or maybe the right thing? It seemed to be the invitation he wanted, for he put one hand behind my head and one around my waist, pulling me into his body so that there was no space between us, and bringing my head up while he brought his down. His lips crashed onto mine then, hungry, passionate. Mine opened without my permission and his tongue darted in. Our tongues met, tangled, danced with each other just as our bodies had once dance together a time not too far past.

                See, the thing about killing, surviving, escaping crazy sick and twisted individuals no one tells you about. The thing about accomplishing a mission like the one Nui’Toa and I had just done together, is that it makes you really horny.

                He pulled me even closer, so much so that it was as if our bodies were trying to mesh with one another. He deepened the kiss even more. It was no longer a kiss. He was devouring my mouth as much as I was devouring his. He picked me up with his one arm encircled around my waist and moved to the bed. I didn’t stop him. He laid me down, not gently, not harshly, and continued his assault on my mouth. I had to stop the kiss momentarily to come up for air. I was gasping. In pleasure, in bewilderment, in awe. That man could fucking kiss.

                The pause in our kissing allowed him to move his lips to other parts of my body. He grazed on my neck, sucking and biting, his hands moved to the hem of my shirt and his lips parted from my neck, making me whimper once more at the loss of his touch. He lifted my shirt above me in a fluid movement, taking my sports bra off as well. As soon as it was off I moved one hand to grasp him behind the neck and the other to his mid back, pulling him back down to me. We kissed more, the assault heavy and sweet. Hot and hurried. Hungry.

                I moved my mouth from his lips to his jaw to his neck, sucking and biting. He moaned deeply in pleasure as he returned the same sentiments to me. He moved his lips from my neck and kissed and sucked and bit down to my breasts. Grabbing one with a hand and pulling it to his mouth.

                The sensation of pain and pleasure from his teeth and sucking was amazing. He moved from one breast to the other, causing me to moan each time. He kissed down my abdomen his hands massaging my breasts as he went. He moved his hands to the hem of my pants and lifted his head from kissing the skin above them. His fingers moved inside the hem, inside the hem of my underwear as well, and in one fluid movement he yanked them off forcefully.

                My hands found his towel and yanked it off of him as well. He bent his head down once more to continue his assault. He kissed my hip bones, sucked, and bite. A louder moan escaped my lips and my hands found his head, pushing it down towards my center. He obliged. He mouth found the nub of pleasure resting just above my sex which was already wet and he flicked his tongue over it lightly, I pushed his head down harder. I didn’t want light touches. He sucked, he nibbled and sucked again.

                “Fuck me!” I demanded. He brought his head back up to mine and his mouth attacked mine. I reached down with my hands to find his fully erect hardness and began to stroke it, my hands encircling its massive girth. He groaned into my mouth before his hands found mine and overtook their place. He grabbed his hardness and in one swift motion it found the entrance of my sex and he thrust inside, deeply.

                I cried out.

                His hands grasped my hips as he thrust into me and out and back in. Bucking wildly. I grasped his forearms and matched his pace with my hips.

                Our eyes locked, seeking each other’s at the same time. His were hungry, heady, and full of lust. Mine probably were too.

                “Harder.” I demanded. He complied. He thrust deeper, and faster too, groaning in pleasure as he filled me up.

                His thrusts quickened and I moaned loudly. I knew he was nearing his end just as I was nearing mine. I clenched my eyes shut as I felt my climax build up for its release. His pace quickened, his thrusts deepened. So much so that he was panting as well as I was for trying to match his speed.

                Finally, as I climaxed and reached orgasm I felt his hot seed shoot inside me I cried out loudly and he collapsed on top of me in a cry of his own.

                “Holy fuck I needed that.” I said after catching my breath.

                “I as well.” He whispered in my ear before moving his head to kiss me deeply again. This kiss was not as hungry as before. It was gentle, moving in a way I had never experienced before.

                He finally slid out of me rolled over on his back.

                There were no apologies. No awkward half sentences. We just lied there, completely sated. I finally stood and started to gather my clothing, dressing with each garment I found.

                I turned around finally after finding my pants and shimmying into them, looking at Nui’Toa still stark naked on the bed. The man was a god in physical form. Alien though he be, he was well versed in the art of fucking, for that’s what we just did.

                “I need to go write the reports with Spock. What do you want me to leave out?” I asked finally. He looked up to me, his green eyes meeting mine once again.

                “It matters not. Be honest. It would seem to be the best policy.” He replied.

                “Alright. See you later?” I asked, desperately hoping I would.

                “I would like nothing more.” He smiled at me.

                “Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page.” I flashed him a wicked smile and turned to walk out of the door.

                I felt amazing.

                Right before I reached my door I was stopped.

                “Captain, you wished to write the reports together, yes?” It was Spock.

                “Yeah, Spock. Come on in.”

                He looked at me a moment, and I saw a flash of… anger? Right before we entered my quarters.

                “What’s wrong, Spock?” I asked as soon as the door hissed behind me.

                He turned around, having gone in before me, and looked me dead in the eyes. “I am perfectly well, captain. Although, I might suggest to you that in future reference, before leaving the quarters of our new guest, you check to see that your uniform is donned properly.”

                “What?”

                I looked down and my mouth fell open. Shame and guilt immediately swept over me like a gale force wind. Nui’Toa hadn’t informed me of my uniform malfunction, and his lights had definitely been on the entire time.

                “Well, fuck.” I whispered. “Bastard didn’t fucking tell me my shirt was fucking inside-out.” I raised my head, albeit self-consciously to meet Spock’s eyes still looking to me.

                “It would appear that Nui’Toa did not wish for you to be made aware of this malfunction.” Spock said, and I sensed a slight bit of irritation in his voice. It was definitely present in his face. He either made no effort to conceal it, or just plain couldn’t. “I believe he was aware of your destination and company, yes?”

                “Um, yeah, why would that-“ I stopped before I finished the question. Mother fucker, he KNEW I was going to be meeting up with Spock. Spock knew I had come from Nui’Toa’s room…oh shit, how did he even know that? “Wait, how did you know I came from Nui’Toa’s room?”

                “Despite the fact that you informed me of your desire to _speak_ with him concerning the filing of reports, I can also… _smell_ him.” Spock tired, I’ll give him credit for that, to hide his distaste at my current predicament.

                “Wait, you can fucking _smell_ him?” I asked, suddenly concerned for what else he could smell.

                “Captain, need I remind you I am a Vulcan? Our senses are stronger than humans. _All_ of our senses.” He replied, his control slipping back into place more. But the implication was still there. He could smell Nui’Toa on me, around me, mingled with my own scent with the scent of…

                “That means you know…” I drifted off, not wanting to finish the statement, scared of what it might mean for a reason I wish wasn’t true. I might have been livid with Spock earlier, but that didn’t mean anything I might have felt for him, however fucked up it was for me now, had disappeared.

                “Yes, captain, I am well aware of your recent _activities_. May I suggest we continue with the task at hand, writing the necessary reports? I assume you were also able to gather the necessary information from our _guest_ as well?”

                Well fuck. Talk about awkward. And what was going on with Spock anyway? He sounded… jealous. What was up with that?

                “Yeah, Spock, he told me to just be honest, about everything.” I replied.

                “I believe it would be prudent to omit certain, personal, details.”


	8. Blood, Sweat, and Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock shares a nightmare with Jaemi.

                Being with Nui’Toa while we made our way towards Starbase 12 for the second time this month was easy.

                It made the distasteful distance that had once again sprung up between Spock and I bearable. It made pushing down and burying all the confusing and conflicting emotions and thoughts about Spock bearable. It made dealing with the aftermath of Kodos flashbacks, of both past and recent present, bearable.

                But most of all, it made being alone bearable.

                He didn’t expect me to talk. He didn’t expect me to share my feelings. In fact, I’m not sure he wanted me to. He was just as broken as I was. He too had just gotten the closure he needed from his own wounds. He too had had revenge for his family, and for himself. He didn’t expect anything from me and in return I didn’t expect anything from him. Our closeness, our intimacy with one another was borne out of two things: mutual respect and trust, and physical gratification and release.

                It was also a way to ignore all the broken memories and just plain busted up mentality.

                It’s been two days since I killed Kodos and his guards. Three days since Spock pretty much admitted to me that he knew I’d had sex with Nui’Toa, and had made it obvious to me each day afterward he was aware of the continuance of my intimacy with him. It’d been two days and I had to one more day of semi-peace before I might be forced to run into Sam again.

                It was not a prospect I was particularly looking forward to, not in the slightest.

                One month out on this glorious five year mission and I’d already had enough of dealing with bullshit. I’d had to battle a well renowned warrior (who I was currently involved with in a sexually gratifying relationship of sorts and also using as an emotional block out) to prove my worthiness as a leader among a people who devalued women in general. I’d had to confront my brother, in front of Spock. I’d told Bones and Spock finally about my past, well about Tarsus at least, realizing it was the mature and responsible thing to do, still halfway wishing I hadn’t. I’d been drugged and kidnapped by Kodos. And I’d killed the jackass. And his guards.

                Yeah, it’d been one hell of a month for me so far.

                And now I had to go debrief in person at Starbase 12 with a board of Admirals about the Kodos situation. Explain to them in person why I’d killed him instead of capturing him, even though they were supposedly totally okay with the fact he was now dead. I was expected to explain to them who the hell Nui’Toa is and why he was with Kodos on Rigel V, and then why he was with us back on board the Enterprise and why he should be granted citizenship into the Federation. Oh, and then come up with a suitable plan for that.

                Apparently Starfleet doesn’t care about reports sometimes. Apparently Starfleet just wants to make people relive and retell horrible shit just for the fuck of it. I really didn’t understand why my reports weren’t good enough for them.

                So yeah, I’d had a hell of a great two days waiting. Writing reports and accepting transmissions just to be told to be ready to talk when we docked at Starbase 12. And no one gave a shit how any of this was/could be affecting me.

                So in turn, I didn’t give a shit.

                Bones had tried talking to me about it, but I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted to push it down and try to forget.

                Like it’s easy to forget about killing a man and watching him bleed out on you, watching the life drain out of his eyes, even though he deserved worse. Like it’s easy to forget about killing his people, right afterwards. Like it’s easy to forget about the shit that’s happened to you.

                If ever there was a trigger designed to push me to my limits more, the events of Rigel V had been it.

                And Bones wondered why I didn’t want to talk to him.

                “Captain, urgent transmission for you from Admiral Keating.” Lt. Uhura interrupted my train of thought. Currently, I was sitting on the bridge, Alpha shift, completely silent. It was eerily silent the past two days around any member of the crew. Silent except for Bones, who I was adamantly avoiding so I wouldn’t eventually break down and talk to him, and then actually break down.

                “Patch it through to my ready room. Spock, you have the con.” I stood up, not even waiting for an acknowledgement and walked over to the turbo lift.

                Just before the doors hissed shut I saw Spock’s calculating glare.

                “I’m sorry I haven’t had the time to contact you sooner, Jaemi, I was stuck in a conference.” Keating said after we exchanged hellos, his face appearing slightly distressed over the view screen on my desk.

                “It’s fine, I understand. Politics suck.” I shrugged as if it was no big deal. We both knew better. Of the calls I had received, none were nice. Two had been mere formalities, informing me that my reports had been read and my presence was requested at the nearest Starbase. One was particularly nasty… from the Admiral. The one who I did not name, even in my head, because he didn’t deserve to be named in my book.

                He’d all but insulted my mother during the call, telling me I’d been foolish in killing Kodos and that I should have used my capture to gain information. Reprimanding me for basically every move I’d made during the whole time on Rigel V.

                “I heard about your conversation with Admiral Alton… I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that.” He flashed a sympathetic smile.

                “Yeah, conversation. That’s a nice way of putting what that transmission was like. I swear if I never hear his voice again, it’ll be too soon. He’s a misogynistic xenophobic dick with shit for brains. How he ever made Admiral is beyond me.”

                “Yeah, well, bad news kid, he practically moved heaven and Earth so he could be one of the Admirals at the presentation board on Starbase 12, so prepare yourself.”

                “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! Can I catch a break? We’ve been out here for like a month and I haven’t had a single mission that was decent. Well, I mean the first one ended well, no thanks to that bastard.”

                “Just don’t let anyone else hear you talk like that about him. I agree with you kid, he shouldn’t be where he’s at. But connections, well, they get you far. And he’s not a complete idiot, he used to be an okay individual.”

                “Yeah, so was Hitler, until he committed genocide and opened up the way for World War Two. Anyway, do you have any good news for me?”

                “Yes, actually I do. You’re not in trouble, at least. They just want to hear your side of the story in person, and meet Nui’Toa. Also, I managed to pull some strings and I’ll be there tomorrow when you dock. So you’ll have my support if nothing else.” Small favors. But he looked like he had more bad news on top of everything, and I couldn’t help but ask what.

                “But? I sense a ‘but’. What other bad news do you have for me?”

                “But you’re going to have to finally tell them about Tarsus. Besides myself and Chris, only one of the other Admirals knew how deep your involvement with Tarsus and Kodos went.” He explained, and I groaned. But it made sense. The identities of the Nine were well guarded secrets. And of those who knew who the Nine were, fewer knew the whole story of what we went through. And nobody, save one very well respected doctor, Pike, and Keating knew about Kodos’… fascination and _regard_ for me.

                And I was going to have to tell a complete stranger, someone who hated my guts, and whoever else was going to be sitting in on the debriefing the complete story. I’d told Bones and Spock most of it. Practically all of it. But I hadn’t even told them _everything_.

                “Well, this ought to be interesting.”

                “Not even close. But I’ll be right there for you, and we will stop if and when you need to. I will make sure of it. It’s just that, they don’t understand why you killed Kodos so… brutally, and I didn’t think it was my place to tell them.”

                “Wait, I never described how I killed him in my reports, how do they know?” I’d made certain to look at Spock’s reports too, before we sent them off, and he hadn’t said anything damning, much to my surprise, when we’d finished writing them.

                “I’m not sure. But something was said about how you returned to the ship and I quote ‘drenched in blood’.”

                “Awesome.”

                “Yeah, anyway, I just wanted you to be prepared for that. And for them to question Nui’Toa at length. So you should probably inform him of that as well. But, you already knew that. Anyway, kid, I’ve gotta get running. Just try to make it through the next day without a major crisis and everything should be fine. Good luck, see you in about 24 hours.”

                “Thanks.”

                I ended the transmission. At least it’d been a personal conversation, with the overtone of official business. At least I had his support. I knew I would, but knowing he was actually going to be there was much better.

                Now I had to inform Nui’Toa. I had to prepare him. And, I had a bone to pick with him.

                I walked to his quarters, knowing he would be there. He didn’t leave unless he went to the rec room to work out or escorted me to the evening meal, which we’d shared the past two days, mostly so no one would bother either one of us.

                I knocked on his door and it hissed open almost immediately.

                “I’ve been expecting you.” He said.

                “You have, have you?”

                “Yes, I was contacted by the Emperor. He has given me an official release. I am no longer a citizen of the Tangata Empire.” He paused, seemingly to consider something. “I- I no longer have a home.” He seemed… relieved, and saddened at the same time.

                He was alone. Something I understood all too well.

                “I’m sorry. But, I think, regardless of how much scrutiny you’ll face tomorrow, you’ll be accepted into the Federation. I think helping me escape and get rid of Kodos for good has earned you some points with them for sure.”

                “I hope your belief is fact.” He replied, still not moving from the chair at his desk. I hadn’t moved yet either, still standing right inside the door.

                I decided the next part of the conversation would be better if I sat down. So I took a chair from the small two person table in his room and turned it around to face him before sitting down.

                “I have a question for you.” I stated, trying to think what the best way to bring it up. At least the best way without possibly pissing him off, something I had yet to do with him though, amazingly enough.

“You may ask.” He replied after he realized I didn’t mean to continue right away.

                “Why did you pretend to be shocked that I knew Arora at first and then tell me how she spoke highly of me? I didn’t really catch it at the time, or I guess I just chose to ignore it. But you acted genuinely surprised at first that I knew her, and then like a minute later came out and told me you knew of me through her. I’ve been wondering why.”

                “I suppose I was still in a state of disbelief. I needed to hear you say you knew her.” He replied.

                “So you sought to deceive me?” It was a question, but I said it more as a statement. He stared at me, his expression blank, for a moment.

                “I apologize.” He finally said, casting his eyes downward.

                “I guess it doesn’t really matter. I was just confused, but hey, I get it. I’d probably do the same thing if I had been in your shoes, not _really_ knowing if you could truly trust me.” I shrugged. I might’ve been a bit irritated, but honestly, as far as I was concerned, she was dead. I hated it. But she was. And he was here, in front of me. This Greek god-like figure of a man who I didn’t have to hide from. Who I didn’t have to put on a face for. Who I didn’t have to shove down my past and swallow my emotions for.

                I could just be with Nui’Toa, and that was his attraction for me. I could simply be me. Jaemi Kirk. Not Captain Kirk, not the hero who saved earth twice, or the youngest female captain in the fleet, or the youngest _female_ captain in the fleet. Just plain old Jaemi Kirk, scars and all.

                We took out our hurt, our anger, our loss, and our pain on each other. It was… pretty freaking fantastic.

                But I realized something else afterwards as I walked back to the bridge. As much gratification that came from the physical release with Nui’Toa, it was just that, physical gratification. It was… empty. 

                “Mr. Spock, report?” I asked as I walked back onto the bridge exiting from the turbo lift.

                “All systems are functioning optimally. We will arrive at Starbase 12 in 21.34 hours, captain.” He didn’t even bother to look up at me. I cast my gaze to Uhura, who, by the look on her face, and her eyes darting between Spock and me, caught it as well. She shrugged, signaling she didn’t know what was going on with him either and I went to sit in my chair.

                “Right, well, Admiral Keating will be meeting us when we dock at Starbase 12. Uhura, make sure to send him a transmission when we are about an hour out. Spock, you’re coming with me when we dock to be debriefed as well. Everyone else, your reports were deemed good enough and you do not have to debrief in person.”

                A sounding “aye captain” rang through the bridge with the exception of Spock who managed to finally look in my direction and nod.

                With my instructions having been given I pulled out a PADD and searched the news. Apparently, even though I had yet to debrief, and it had only been a couple days since we left Rigel V, word of Kodos’ death had spread throughout the Federation.

                **_Governor Kodos Found Dead on Rigel V._** One article read.

                Another stated **_Eugenics Monster Dead, Justice Served_**.

The worst one was **_Kodos Found Brutally Murdered on Rigel V_**. No wonder the Admiralty wanted to debrief me in person. That was one hell of an article. I could only thank the highest powers in which I honestly didn’t believe that the newspapers hadn’t gotten wind of the Enterprise being even near Rigel V at the time of Kodos’ death. But they would find out eventually. And they would find out who killed him too. Me.

                I shook my head and decided to pull up a game. I needed to get my mind off its current train of thought.

                I was silent for the rest of the shift, and when our relief came I practically ran out of the bridge just to avoid dinner invitations.

                Practically running on the Enterprise means not paying attention to your surroundings. Not paying attention to your surroundings means it’s pretty easy to run into people, especially if a person is trying to find you.

                And the person who was trying to find me, was of course, Bones. I ran straight into him, my eyes not really seeing what was in front of me.

                “Slow down shit! Oh, Jaemi! Just who I was looking for.” Bones grumbled as he realized who’d just run smack into him.

                “I’m busy, Bones.” I replied, starting off again.

                “You can’t avoid me forever, Jaemi.” I heard his voice call after me. I kept on walking, at my ridiculously fast pace.

                He didn’t come after me. He didn’t barge into my room that night either. Not that he would have found me until I decided to go back to my room from Nui’Toa’s quarters sometime after midnight.

                Appropriately worn out from the gym and sex with Nui’Toa I’d finally managed to fall asleep around 0100.

                Ah, my pillow feels so nice and soft and well… soft.

                **_“Pai’Ahi and Manaaki Tapu you have been selected. Arora Tapu has been selected was well, where is she?” Kodos’ voice rang powerfully in the backyard of the Tapu’s standing tall and proud next to three of his death squad. I stood next to him, shivering in horror. Arora was nowhere to be found, and for that I was grateful._**

**_Mana and Pai’Ahi, Arora’s parents, to their credit, were standing tall and proud as well. Unafraid of their impending deaths. Secure in the fact that their daughter had escaped such a fate. They each locked eyes with my, sorrow, pity, and love shining through._ **

**_They had been like second parents to me while here. My own mother too gone in her sorrow and a bottle to truly ever be one, even after coming home from Starfleet._ **

**_“Arora is missing.” Mana replied in such a tone that suggested she’d been the one to instruct her daughter to run._ **

**_“Missing. Very likely. No matter, she will be found…eventually.” Kodos stated smugly. He was always smug at execution visits. Even more so if he was the one who wielded the phaser which would snuff out the lives of those he deemed unworthy to live because of the famine. “Jaemisen dear, would you like to do the honors?” He turned his head toward me with a large wicked smile plastered on his face._ **

**_Evil. This man was just plain evil._ **

**_I shook my head at him furiously, not trusting my voice. Of all the visits I had attended with him thus far, this was the worst. These people were my family, and he wanted me to kill them?_ **

**_“Are you too afraid?” He asked, still smiling. I guess the way I looked back at them and then at him and back again gave everything away. “You know them. You love them. Ah, I see. You will be the one who deals their deaths to them. Or I will kill a thousand more in their names and you will still watch them die.” Kodos lost his smile. He was serious, large, authoritative, and definitely not bluffing._ **

**_My eyes remained on Mana and Pai’Ahi as Kodos handed me a phaser and his men trained their phasers on me and Mana and Pai’Ahi. He didn’t have to say it out loud. It was clear as a sunny day. If I shot at anyone besides Mana and Pai’Ahi, I would be shot and so would they. Consequently, if I didn’t shoot Mana and Pai’Ahi, they would die anyway._ **

**_I lowered the phaser to my side. I refused to kill my family in this sick and twisted game._ **

**_“If you do not shoot their deaths will be much slower and much more painful.” Kodos pulled out a large knife. The knife he usually kept in his bedside table. The knife he’d cut my back open with recently._ **

**_I looked to Mana and Pai’Ahi once more, pleading with them. For what, I didn’t know. Mana looked on me resolutely, desperately trying to convey her love for me, and her acceptance. Pai’Ahi offered a weak plaintive smile in understanding._ **

**_“It’s okay, little one.” Pai’Ahi whispered. I could still hear him though. I didn’t look at Kodos again, but I knew he was smiling. Smug._ **

**_I shook my head furiously in defiance. I didn’t want to kill my family. I didn’t want to be responsible for their deaths._ **

**_“Do it now or suffer the consequences, for they surely will if you are weak.” Kodos bellowed out his command._ **

**_I looked upon their faces once more. Begging them to not make me do this. They both smiled at me lovingly, Mana had tears welling in her eyes. They knew they would die. Their faces suggested they’d rather have me do it instead. Pai’Ahi nodded his head. ‘Now’ he seemed to say._ **

**_If they wanted to die by my hand rather than Kodos’ who was I to defy their dying wish? I suddenly thought to myself, raising the phaser at them._ **

**_One charge gone and Mana fell to the ground lifeless. Pai’Ahi nodded once more, and thankful look in his eye as well as sorrow._ **

**_I fired the final shot, screaming. I guess I’d been screaming since Mana fell to the ground and only realized it when Pai’Ahi followed after._ **

**_“Very good, Jaemi. It seems we can work together after all.” Kodos grabbed my waist and pulled me to him, I shivered in disgust. I made a vow that I would escape from him tonight._ **

I shot up from my bed, drenched in sweat and immediately knew someone was in the room.

                Spock.

                I could still feel the warmth of his hand on my bare shoulder.

                “You were screaming, apparently in your sleep. I could hear it in my room. I came to investigate and attempted to wake you. I could not wake you. Are you well, captain? Should I call for the doctor?” Spock asked, he was kneeling at my bedside, but I couldn’t see his face. His voice was mostly even, though I could detect a tiny worried tone in it.

                “I’m fine, Spock. Just a nightmare.” I wiped my brow, noticing my hair was a tangled wet mess full of sweat. I attempted to tie it back, knowing I would need to use more conditioner to untangle the mess before shift this morning. “What time is it?”

                “It is 0324, captain.”

                “Great. Not even a full four hours of sleep. Well, I’m awake now, guess I can get ready for the day.” I mumbled to myself.

                “Should you not attempt to rest more, captain? It is unhealthy for humans to have so little rest, and you were already showing signs of fatigue yesterday. Today it would be especially important for you to be rested.” Spock said, trying to logic me into going back to sleep. Hell no I wasn’t going back to sleep. Not after a nightmare like that.

                “Spock. It was a nightmare. I’m shaken, but I’ll live. I’m fine.” My voice sounded terser than I meant it to. But if he reacted in any way I couldn’t tell, it was still dark in the room. “Lights 60%.”

                Either he didn’t react or he fixed his face into a perfect picture of stoic Vulcanness because when the lights came on he was stone-faced as ever.

                “As you wish, captain. I shall leave you to prepare for the day.” Spock started to stand and turn around to walk out of the door.

                “Spock?” I caught his attention, causing him to turn back and face me. “Did you… I mean when you tried to wake me did you…”I drifted off, not able to actually ask what I wanted to know. What I feared to know. What I feared he saw.

                “Unfortunately, when sleeping, the subconscious projects more strongly than when awake. Therefore, if your aim was to inquire as to whether or not I shared in seeing your nightmare, the answer would be yes.” His jaw was clenched, he looked angry, baffled, and a hint of something else that I was sure couldn’t be good.

                He walked out without allowing me to respond, even if I could have. Which, with his answer, I really couldn’t.

                He’d seen me kill. He’d seen me commit murder for Kodos.


	9. The Reasons We Drink and Why We Shouldn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The inquiry/debriefing happens. Jaemi gets upset and decides to drink. Spock finds wasted Jaemi and escorts her back to the ship.

                “Captain Kirk, a pleasure as always.” Admiral Keating greeted me as I materialized on the transporter pad of Starbase 12, well, one of many. “Commander Spock.” He nodded in Spock’s direction. “You must be the Tangata man, Nui’Toa.” He looked at Nui’Toa who simply nodded in the affirmative, not wanting to speak apparently.

                “Good to see you too Admiral Keating.” I beamed at him. “Admiral.” Spock nodded back to him at the same time.

                “Well, now that you’re all here, you ready to get this show on the road?” Keating asked me, motioning for us to follow him.

                “You mean this completely unnecessary bullshit? Yeah, I guess. I’d like to get it over with. No time like the present, right?” I asked, still upset with the fact I was going to have to debrief with the jackass admiral as well.

                “I understand. But, when you’ve taken out a mass murderer who everyone thought was dead until a couple of weeks ago, it tends to garner the attention of the higher ups.” Keating said, then lowered his head to whisper in my ear as I had strode to walk next to him leaving Spock and Nui’Toa walking behind us, “especially when you were the one to take him out personally.”

                “You know I didn’t have a choice. Besides, why should that matter?” I whispered back.

                “Because, now the admiralty want to know how their youngest captain could kill so ruthlessly. And you know what that means, right?”

                “They’re going to want to know about Tarsus. About all of it.”

                “Yup. Sorry, kid, but you aren’t going to be able to get out of this one. You prepared for that?”

                “Fuck.” I said a little too loudly, then lowered my voice once more. “I have to be though, especially with Alton sitting in on the debriefing.”

                “I’ll try my best to make sure he doesn’t get too out of hand, but you know how he is. He will.” Keating’s voice returned to normal again.

                “Yeah. I know that all too well.” I mumbled.

                We were escorted to the command building of Starbase 12. We walked through security, which was absolutely horrendous due to there being at least three different admirals in attendance for the debriefing, which was now beginning to feel more like an inquisition. I was scanned no less than three times. Once upon entering the main building, once upon entering the more restricted area of the command building, and once more before entering into the debriefing room. Spock and Nui’Toa also seemed a bit irritated at the intrusion of personal space.

                The debriefing room was set up similarly to what I imagined a local court martial would be. The feeling somewhat familiar on, but on a smaller scale. I was reminded of the assembly hall at the academy for my hearing right before news of Vulcan’s distress call had interrupted the hearing.

                There were three chairs on the main floor. All three were facing a table, which, was on a slightly raised platform at the back of the room. Three more chairs were situated behind the table. The admirals’ chairs.

                Yeah, this was beginning to look more like an inquisition rather than a simple debriefing.

                “Take your seats and we will convene straight away.” Keating said, walking towards the raised platform and stepping onto it. I sat down in the chair, somewhat nervous, as Spock and Nui’Toa took their own respective seats.

                “I thought this was a debriefing.” I said, staring straight at Keating, who had taken his seat in the right chair on the raised platform. My eyes were narrowed, my glare defiant.

                “Calm down, Kirk. It is. This was just the best location that could be given up on Starbase 12.” He offered a weak smile, a smile that said: while this a debriefing on paper, it will feel like an inquisition, and Admiral Sexist Evil Jackass Pants will more than add to that feeling, so be on your best behavior and answer all the questions truthfully.

                “Aye, sir.” I replied as Alton and another admiral I’d never met before entered the room to find their seats. Alton walked and stood behind the far left seat, leaving the unnamed admiral to sit in the middle. The one who would be, from the looks of it, overseeing the debriefing that felt more like a judicial punishment hearing.

                Inquisition.

                We, Spock, myself, and Nui’Toa as he saw we were rising, stood as the admiral’s entered at attention. Alton remained standing, and I noticed that Admiral Keating had also stood at their entrance.

                “Take seats.” The unnamed admiral commanded and everyone standing took their seats. “I am Admiral Jackson. I will be presiding over this debriefing, making sure that all relevant information is divulged and reported accordingly. I will also be the deciding factor,” his gaze turned on Nui’Toa alone, “in regards to determining your citizenship within the Federation.” He shifted his gaze looked straight at me, his grey eyes boring into my blue ones. “Captain Kirk, this is not a disciplinary hearing. Your command is not being called into question. Starfleet simply wishes to hear a detailed account of the pertinent information in regards to your mission in person. To make a recording of such.” His grey eyes, however daunting, also seemed…compassionate. His gaze was intimidating for sure, intelligence and experience shining through, but I could see by that alone he was also a fair man, and held no prejudices, unlike the jackass Alton.

                I was immediately thankful he was in charge of the debriefing. My shoulders relaxed and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

                “Of course, Admiral. We will do our very best to answer any and all points of clarification that was, unfortunately, unable to be perceived via reports.” I might have relaxed a bit, but that did nothing to dissuade me from the belief that this entire charade, for that’s what it was, was completely unnecessary. I could feel Spock tense next to me.

                If he found my response or tone disrespectful in the least he did not make it known. In fact, his mouth twitched upwards for fraction of a second, as if he was amused.

                The reaction reminded me of Spock’s own micro expressions that I’d became so accustomed to reading.

                “We shall begin, as I would not like to waste any time. You should know that you and your crew will have the option of a short leave of sorts following this debriefing. You will remain at Starbase 12 tonight and take off tomorrow afternoon.” Admiral Jackson stated. I nodded back to him, thankful for at least one night’s reprieve from duty. I desperately needed it. “Alright, to begin I would like to state for the record that the Enterprise was given the mission of finding Kodos,” I was thankful he left out the title governor, for it always pissed me off when someone used it in reference to Kodos, “with the intention of capturing him.” He paused, and I felt Spock tense again. I knew he wanted to give me a look that would say _you lied to me?_ But he wouldn’t dare look in my direction while the admiral was speaking. “It was also relayed that if lethal force was necessary, it could be used without repercussions, given the nature of the assignment and the target.”

                “That is correct, Admiral.” Keating spoke up to confirm the orders he gave me.

                Spock seemed to relax slightly after hearing the add-on, but I knew he was going to want to have a ‘talk’ with me after the debriefing.

                “Captain Kirk, you were given information as to the last known whereabouts of the criminal Kodos. Rigel V, correct.” Jackson asked, an obvious question with an obvious answer.

                “That is correct, Admiral.” I responded. If Spock were human, and not in the current company of three admirals, he would have rolled his eyes. I know I wanted to.

                “Given this information, how did you deduce a plan to, and I quote, ‘find him at a local drinking establishment on the far side of the colony’ end quote?” Jackson asked yet another question. It seemed he would be the one asking questions the majority of the time, thankfully.

                “I knew he liked to drink, so it was a matter of history that the most likely place for us to find him, if we ever were to find him in public, would be at a bar.” I cringed, knowing I would have to answer a series of follow on questions with the way I’d just revealed that information. But how could I not? I had to be truthful, and Keating had said it would be uncomfortable.

                “Captain, I am asking you to clarify, you are suggesting that you have prior history with the criminal Kodos?”

                “Not by choice, Admiral.”

                “Can you explain what this history is?” Jackson asked, interested, but not in a demeaning or disrespectful way. Apparently Keating hadn’t told him about my being on Tarsus, not that he would have.

                “I can. I was on Tarsus when the famine struck.” I said simply.

                Jackson’s eyes went wide for a moment but he recovered from the information quickly. Alton on the other hand, did not.

                “You’re lying!” He slammed his fist on the table in front of him, his face scrunched in anger. “There’s nothing in your file to suggest that you were ever on Tarsus!”

                “That is due to the fleet commander.” Keating spoke up, giving the asshole Alton a stern cross look. “He decided that upon Captain Kirk’s entrance into the academy. Any mention of Tarsus beyond the death of her mother was erased from her history entirely.”

                “And just why the hell would he be involved in an enlisting cadet’s personal file history?” Alton debated. “Obviously she’s alive, so it’s not like she was there for the whole thing? What could possibly warrant the attention of the fleet commander?”

                “Admiral Alton, perhaps we should allow Captain Kirk to further explain. I am certain she will be able to provide first person accounts to answer your questions.” Jackson intervened before Keating could respond.

                How to proceed? I knew Alton would interrupt several times, and that he wouldn’t believe a word I said, so I guess he didn’t matter after all. I could just ignore him and tell them the basics of the truth without, hopefully, going into details. “I assume you have heard of the Tarsus Nine.” I prompted, receiving a nod from Jackson and a look of feigned disinterest from Alton.

                He was anything but disinterested.

                “Well, I know their names are confidential, which is why the fleet commander had that part of my life erased from the history of my personnel file. Well…at least one reason anyway. There are only a handful of people in Starfleet who know the identities of the Nine, and most of them are dead now.” I didn’t say what we all knew. That they died the day the Narada attacked and destroyed Vulcan. That some died afterwards. That besides myself, Keating, and the fleet commander, that no one else now living knew the identities of all of the Nine. That the Nine themselves were now reduced to the one.

                “Preposterous! An outrage! Lies!” Alton stood up and faced me directly. “You were instructed to be truthful, and yet, you stand there and lie to our faces. How could _you_ have been one of the Nine? Surely Starfleet wouldn’t allow such a person to be a captain?” I was starting to get sick of this man already, if he could even be called a man.

                “I assure you, _Admiral_ ,” I drew out his title and made it every bit of a derogatory term I could, “that I _AM_ one of the Nine, and that I did indeed live through the famine and massacre of Tarsus. Considering you have no idea what it was _actually_ like, and that the history as taught in the academy pales in comparison to the reality of what Tarsus _actually_ was, it doesn’t surprise me that you would think I was lying. If I hadn’t been there myself, I would too. However, I am not lying. And I assure you, Tarsus was not the only atrocity I lived through in my life, but that does _NOT_ make me unfit as a captain, and it does _NOT_ limit my ability to command whatsoever. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I am a _better_ captain and commander of the fleet’s flagship _because_ of what I have endured.” I didn’t realize I’d stood up, so I sat back down in my chair, chagrined that I’d let Alton get to me so easily.

                “If you don’t believe me maybe you should ask Admiral Keating or the fleet commander if I’m lying.”

                Jackson and Alton both looked to Keating then. Alton looked taken aback and angry. Jackson just simply looked at him for clarification.

                “I was on the ship that rescued the Nine, as was the late Admiral Pike.” He offered this as explanation. It was enough.

                “I see.” Jackson said. Alton just looked at Keating with his mouth open in shock. Like he didn’t think it would be confirmed, like he thought I was lying. I knew what was going through his mind. The same thought process that went through his mind when I’d managed to complete the rest of my training after the Narada and was awarded with the captaincy.

                How could a _woman_ do that? How could a _woman_ live through that and still manage in life?

                “Please, continue.” Jackson said. It wasn’t a request, though.

                “Now wait just a damn minute. You’re telling us you were one of the Tarsus Nine and that’s how you knew Governor Kodos liked to drink?” I fought back the urge to correct Alton’s usage of the title. “That doesn’t really make any sense. How would you personally know he liked to drink, huh?”

                I thought about this for a moment. Whether or not I should tell them.

                “I hardly think it appropriate to discuss the captain’s intimate past, Admiral.” Spock finally spoke. I didn’t understand why he was defending me, but I was grateful that he chose this moment to interject.

                “As it is Ms. Kirk’s _past_ that will enlighten us to how and why these recent events have unfolded the way they have, I believe it _is_ appropriate, _commander_.” Alton retorted. I didn’t miss the fact that he refused to call me by my rank, but neither did I attempt to correct his purposeful mistake. It wouldn’t do any good and I was already seething.

                “I do not wish to trouble you by making you relive past atrocities, captain, however, Admiral Alton is correct in his statement, however ill regarded it is.” Jackson looked to Alton with a glare of disapproval. “I would like to know what has allowed you such intimate knowledge of the criminal Kodos’ habits.”

                Well shit. It seemed like I wasn’t going to be able to get out it after all. Keating cast a sympathetic look my way as an apology.

                “Prior to grouping up with the other survivors who had managed to escape from the ordered executions, or _the cleansing_ , as Kodos called them, I was in one of the families he’d ordered to be _cleansed_. However, Kodos liked to make execution visits from time to time with his death squads, sometimes performing the executions himself. My family was one of those _visits_ he made.” I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself as I relived the moments my mother was killed in front of me. “When he saw me, right before I was to be killed he halted the execution. He-“ I was cut off once again by Alton.

                “Oh, so you were favored by Kodos, then. Remind me why we have allowed you to become and retain captain of the Enterprise. Such a favored person of a murderous criminal with his own idea of eugenics should not be a representative of Starfleet, let alone the face and leader of the fleet’s flagship.” His face was smug, as if I’d given him the perfect ammunition to have be removed from my chair.

                “If you had allowed me to finish you might find your opinion otherwise changed.” I responded, glaring at Alton with every ounce of defiance I had. Not that he would change his mind about me, ever. But it was a good response anyway.

                “Please continue, captain.” Jackson supplied.

                “As I was saying, he liked the look of me, so he decided to keep me. As his _pet_. I remember once he told me that I looked like his daughter who was stolen away from him by her mother. She was lucky.” I hoped they wouldn’t make me explain any further. I hoped they could gather from the statement what I was inferring.

                “His pet? Please, Ms. Kirk, explain.” Alton said, still refusing to defer to me by my proper rank and title.

                “Alton, I know you’re aware that she IS STILL the captain of the Enterprise, therefore, Captain Kirk should be referred to as such.” Keating seethed angrily in his seat, narrowing his eyes at Alton. Alton wasn’t fazed whatsoever.

                “My _apologies_. Please, continue, _captain_.” Alton didn’t even look at me as he responded sarcastically.

                Oh to have the control of a Vulcan. Or at least Admiral Jackson.

                “Kodos was a sick and twisted individual, as we all know, by his plan for continued survival when the famine struck. He didn’t even _try_ to request help from Starfleet. He just used it as an excuse to carry out his plans for _helping_ the human race. His plans for _helping_ the human race extended beyond the deaths of any alien races or removal of any humans that did not meet his standards for the perfect genetics to be preserved. He thought that girls, specifically girls who had just started to mature physically, ought to be taught in the art of pleasuring men. He had many women over the course of his being governor, but he also liked to _teach_. Thought I would definitely use force and rape as a more accurate term.”

                I guess I finally struck a nerve with everyone in the room. Including Nui’Toa, who leaned forward and looked at me with a combined look of sorrow and hate. The hate being reserved for what I’d implied and he picked up through the implication.

                Jackson too seemed perturbed by my insinuations while Keating merely reacted with wide eyes. He suspected, but never actually knew. Spock, however, remained ever still and stoic, I knew because I’d chanced a quick look at him. Then again, he already knew. But they didn’t know the worst of it. And I suspected, that by the time this was over, I was going to seriously injure Nui’Toa.

                But I found that once I had properly started telling my tale I couldn’t stop, no matter the looks and reactions throughout the room.

                “Kodos wanted women as slaves. Obedient to their men. Not only did he repeatedly force himself sexually, he also forced other atrocities on me. He wanted us to be able to obey any order without question. The night I escaped he ordered me to do one of the worst acts I have ever committed. He ordered me to take part in an execution. To perform it. He ordered me to kill my best friend’s parents, who were like a second family to me, or else he would make their deaths long and painful. I did.”

                Nui’Toa lost it then. He looked at me wildly, confused. I nodded back to him, confirming his question. I’d already told him that his niece, Arora, was my best friend. That her parents had been parents to me. That his aunt and uncle were like a mother and father to me.

                And I’d just now told him I was responsible for their deaths.

                He lunged at me. I didn’t blame him. But Spock was able to stop his assault before it actually began, tossing him to the side of the room as if he were nothing.

                There’s something to be said about Vulcan strength.

                Immediately two guards appeared. I guess I’d missed someone calling for the guards. They scooped Nui’Toa off the floor and escorted him out of the room.

                “Can you explain why your _friend_ might have just reacted to your statement that way, _captain_?” Alton questioned with a knowing smile on his face. Not that he knew, but I mean, come on, it was pretty obvious why.

                “The friends I was forced to kill were his aunt and uncle.” I replied, noticing a level of detachment in my voice.

                Apparently I wasn’t the only one noticing my growing change in personality at the moment.

                “I hardly think we need to continue along through the trials of your past, Captain Kirk. Can you please just skip ahead and explain how you were able to escape from Kodos? We read your report and Commander Spock’s report that you had been kidnapped in the colony’s bar on Rigel V.” Jackson changed, not quite, but enough, the subject.

                “Of course, admiral. I was able to escape with the help of Nui’Toa, who, when questioned as I have no doubt you will, will inform you of a mission he was sent on by the emperor of Tangata. I killed Kodos after reluctantly sharing a meal with him. Then Nui’Toa and I systematically dispatched the guards until we were through the front gate. As Commander Spock can confirm, the two guards outside of the entrance gate were stunned and then we beamed back to the Enterprise. Not really a thrilling story, I assure you, admiral.”

                “So you admit, you murdered Kodos in cold blood?” Alton all but screamed before Jackson could respond.

                “I did not murder him in cold blood. I did what I needed to in order to escape. He would not have let me live otherwise. He’d already killed the other eight of the survivors. I was last on his list. So as it was my life or his, I chose my life.” I retorted, any ounce of respect for rank or professional bearing evaporated.

                “I believe the account is justified.” Jackson said loudly. His voice boomed throughout the room, radiating the finality of the debriefing. He stood. “I thank you for your time, captain. You have enlightened us quite enough. I believe it would be prudent to say that we thank you for your service, as well as ridding the Federation of a criminal as vile as Kodos. I apologize for the uncomfortable nature of revealing your past to us, however, you must be aware that while this recording, due to the previous classification of your past, will not be included officially, a report will be filed of this debriefing, and I cannot guarantee that certain individuals will not leak information. There is always a risk of exposure.” He looked at Alton, clear anger in his eyes. “Although, I will state that I am ordering all in this room to never speak of what has been related, with the exception of you yourself, captain, under penalty of court martial and dishonorable discharge from Starfleet, regardless of rank.”

                “I thank you for your sentiments, admiral.” I stood, Spock following suit.

                Then admiral Keating and Alton stood as well. Alton reluctantly.

                “You are dismissed, captain. Commander, I would like you to remain behind for a moment, please.”

                I nodded, went to attention, and saluted, wondering what they could possibly want from Spock. I knew we were indoors, but tradition required the salute.

                I walked out of the room, noticing that Nui’Toa was being held by the two guards while sitting on a bench right outside the room.

                Chancing eye contact I looked at him and mouthed an apology. He didn’t respond. He merely glared at me dangerously. Clearly he was still enraged at the new information.

 

                At the base bar later on I decided it was time to cope. And cope I would, with various amounts of alcohol running through my system.

                I’d changed into a simple outfit of jeans and a t-shirt. I didn’t want to attract too much attention, as I was by myself, and didn’t want to be in the company of others just yet.

                Walking into the bar I realized I might have made a mistake.

                I saw Nui’Toa sitting at one edge of the bar, engaged in what seemed to be a flirtatious conversation with a blonde woman. I ignored it. He had apparently received citizenship, and no one could really blame him for his reaction during the debriefing. I mean, I had just admitted that I was the person who killed his family, although not by choice, really.

                I walked to the bar and ordered myself a round of the strongest drinks they had. Which consisted of three shots of what essentially amounted to ever clear and a large Klingon beer. I’d downed the three shots with nothing less than swift expertise.

                It wasn’t long before someone came up behind me to hit on me. I’d just have to tell him off and watch him walk away disappointed.

                I felt a hand touch my shoulder. “Here alone, sweetheart?” The man couldn’t even see my face, and was obviously very drunk. But I would know that voice anywhere.

                I turned around sharply. “Sam, I highly doubt you are interested in bringing your own sister back to bed with you. And even if you were, I’m not.”

                He balked. His face turning white then red. His eyes widened before they narrowed into slits. “What the fuck are you doing back here?” He pulled his hand away as if he’d been burned.

                “Orders, Sam. I AM in Starfleet. This is a Starfleet base.” I shrugged, not feeling in the least bit concerned with his reactions. Although, that was partially due to the shots and half a beer I’d drank so far.

                “Get the fuck out of my bar!” He screamed, gaining the attention of pretty much everyone in the bar. The whole room fell silent, small as it was.

                “Captain Kirk,” Nui’Toa had come up behind Sam, totting the blonde woman, who I swore I knew from somewhere behind him, “is this man troubling you?” I guess he’d gotten over my little revelation after all.

                “Exceedingly so, but, as he is my brother, and drunk, he would do nothing less.” I replied, still not really giving two shits about the whole situation.

                I decided I really liked alcohol and its depressant tendencies a lot right now.

                “Sir, I would ask that you leave this establishment. You have caused a scene.” Nui’Toa said, glaring at my brother.

                Sam turned around and actually attempted to hit him. He didn’t know, of course, that Nui’Toa was a warrior in his own right, and very skilled.

                Nui’Toa grabbed his punch before it had the chance to land and with his hand still holding Sam’s dragged him to the door of the bar and promptly pushed him out. He walked back over to where I was sitting and the familiar blonde woman was standing, staring at me as if she knew me too.

                “Thanks, you didn’t have to do that. Are you okay?” He decided to take a seat next to me, the blonde woman sat down next to him.

                “I apologize for my reaction earlier. I realize that you did not have a choice on what to do, and had you not done so, my aunt and uncle would have suffered worse. I thank you for your courage in honoring them.” Nui’Toa said after ordering a beer himself.

                “Honoring them?” I was dumfounded. Earlier he looked like he wanted to kill me. Now he was thanking me for killing his family?

                “In Tangata society a true warrior does not flinch from death. He, or she in this case, does what must be done for the best of the people. You did what you had to. You did not allow them to suffer in agony upon their deaths. Tangata society dictates that you are now a valued member of their household, for such an act. When our elderly or sick live in agony, it is the duty of the family’s most honored warrior, a member of the family himself, to honor them by supplying them with a swift and painless death. When the family does not have a warrior who is kin, whoever steps into the role is essentially adopted by that family. Therefore, you honored my family by taking their deaths in your hands instead of that monster’s, who would have forced them to suffer. I should not have attempted to attack you. I honor you, Jaemisen Tara Kirk adopted and honored warrior Tapu.” He bowed his head towards me and I just stared in honest awe at him.

                I didn’t know how to respond to that. I was in shock. But apparently the familiar blonde woman did not want me to remain in shock for long.

                “Oh my god! Jaemi?” The blonde woman exclaimed as she rose from her seat and came to sit in the empty one on my left. “Is that really you?” Her eyes were wide with delight and surprise. She apparently knew me, but I couldn’t recall her name.

                “I’m sorry, but do we know each other?” I asked, giving her my best Spock impression of raising my eyebrow.

                “Oh my god! I can’t believe it’s you! It’s Lenore! Lenore Karidian.” She hugged me. I didn’t know how to respond. If this was in fact Lenore Karidian, then this was the girl whose place I’d taken all those years ago. The original for which I was substituted as Kodos’ favored one. As Kodos’ plaything.

                “I’m sorry,” I pulled myself out of the hug, “but how do you know me?” I asked. I’d never actually met her when I was younger, although I’d seen pictures of her. We really had looked similar as children. And we sort of did now. The main difference was that her hair and skin were a bit darker than mine, but not my much, and she was definitely shorter and skinnier. She really didn’t have any curves, more like a stick.

                “Oh, I’m sorry! It’s just that, even without your Earth saving fame, I feel like I know you. My father would write letters to me when I was younger, after I went to live with my mom, and he would talk about you all the time. He said we’d have made really good friends, even if the famine was bad then. He said you were like another daughter to him, he really loved you.”

                I couldn’t even speak. Had she not heard about Tarsus? Did she get a completely different history lesson than everyone else in the Federation? Did she not know why her mother had taken her away from Kodos? Was he truly a good father to her? How was that even possible?

                “You do know your father was a mass murderer and serial rapist with ideals about women that violate even the basest of human rights, right?” I finally found my voice. I was… beyond anger. And then I was angry at Nui’Toa, who’d apparently decided not to listen in.

                I understood why he’d allowed himself to be taken in by her. I knew our… arrangement had ended the moment I spilled the proverbial beans about his aunt and uncle. Even though he wasn’t mad at me anymore, I knew the arrangement we had would never return into being. But how the hell could he allow himself to take _her_ to bed now?

                “You don’t know what you’re talking about! He would NEVER do anything like that! He LOVED you like a DAUGHTER and this is how you repay him? By spreading Federation LIES?” Lenore screamed at me in reply to my questioning. Apparently she did know history, just refused to believe it. Then why the hell was she here at a Starbase?

                “It’s the truth. Why are you here on a Starbase then if you hate the Federation?”

                “Because they said they found my father dead. Someone murdered him. And they need to do a DNA test to confirm it’s him. I can’t BELIEVE you right now! How dare you!” She was standing, screaming in my face. I couldn’t care less. She needed to know the truth. The _real_ truth.

                “He is dead. And every bit the Federation says is 100% true. I should know. I was there. You weren’t. He ordered 4,000 people to be killed and kept me as his _pet_ because _you_ were taken from him. Your mother didn’t just ask him nicely to have you come live with her. She _took_ you away because you were starting to mature and he was a _rapist_. Your father didn’t _LOVE_ me. He _USED_ me. You are the one I can’t believe. The one who is so naïve! And I know he’s dead. I killed him!” I stood up then, chugged the rest of my beer, and promptly walked out of the bar in anger.

                I couldn’t bear to be in her presence anymore. Couldn’t bear to hear her defend the monster that was her father.

                I guess chugging the beer wasn’t the smartest move I could have made tonight, though. Because it made the rest of the alcohol hit me twice as hard as it already had. What did they _put_ in that stuff anyway?

                My vision was getting slightly blurry and I stumbled in the alleyway of the bar. I held my hand up to the outside wall of the building and used it to support myself while walking towards… towards somewhere else.

                “Captain?” I heard someone’s voice call out from ahead of me. I couldn’t make out the features of his face, but… I knew the voice. I giggled. Damn alcohol. I was… wasted after chugging the beer. How had the shots not gotten to me completely until then? I giggled again. “Captain are you well?” The voice was closer now.

                Spock.

                “Mmm’fine, Spock.” I stumbled taking another step, my hand still on the wall.

                “You seem to be intoxicated, captain.” He was a few feet in front of me now. I giggled again.

                “O’course, Spock. M’drunk.” I took another step, a bit under calculated, and instead of stumbling to the ground like I thought I was going to do I was caught mid-fall around my waist. “Warm. Nice.” I hummed into his chest.

                “Captain, I will escort you back to the Enterprise.” He lifted me back up to a standing position and let go of me.

                I took another step and stumbled again. He caught me around the waist again, this time behind me. But instead of assisting me in walking he simply decided to pick me up in his arms.

                “Put me down, Spock! I” I slurred into his neck. I received a jolt of electricity and warmth as my cheek brushed his skin.

                “I believe your statement is inaccurate. You have since stumbled and fallen twice in my presence alone. Therefore, it is only logical to conclude you are unable to walk, even with assistance, in your inebriated state.”

                “Spock.” I mumbled.

                “Yes, captain?”

                “Mm’fine. You don’t hafta carry me.” I responded even as I snuggled further into him.

                “I believe I must. I do not understand the purpose of ingesting such a toxin. It is illogical if this is the end result.” He replied.

                “Mmmk.” I rubbed my face into his neck, reveling in the feeling of warmth and electricity humming through my body at the contact. “Miss you, Spock.”

                “Captain?” He asked, confused, I guessed, at my statement.

                “Why dooya hate me ‘gain?” I garbled.

                “Captain, I do not ‘hate’ you as you say.”

                “Then why aren’t we friends anymore? I thought we were friends. You don’t even call me by my name anymore.” I murmured, still slurring my words, my face still touching his neck. Still feeling the warm buzzing of our contact.

                “Cap- Jaemi, I-I do not believe this is an appropriate conversation currently. As you are severely intoxicated and will also not likely even remember this discussion, I believe it would be best to simply take you back to your quarters and allow you to rest.”

                “No.” I refused. “I don’t wanna go back alone. Sick of being alone.” I whined.

                “Captain. Jaemi, it would be logical to return you to your quarters.”

                “Why? You don’t even like me, Spock. Why are you helping me?” I didn’t even understand how _he_ could understand what I was saying. My words sounded slurred even to me.

                “I do not dislike you.”

                “But you don’t like me. You don’t love me like I love you.” Spock halted mid-step. Stopped so abruptly that I was almost jerked out of his arms. If there is one thing that is both good and horrible about ingesting a certain amount of highly alcoholic liquor and drinks, it’s that it gives you courage. I guess I’d had a little too much liquid courage tonight.

                Spock, to his credit, was still cradling me in his arms. Even with a bomb such as the one I dropped on him in my drunken state, he still was able to maintain some amount of control. He began walking again.

                Suddenly I felt the sensation of my atoms converting into energy and then back into matter. I guess we’d made it to a transporter room and gotten back on the ship.

                “Rest well, captain, Jaemi. I believe that tomorrow you will not remember your illogical ramblings.” Spock said as he started to lay me down on my bed. I didn’t ask or think about how he’d gotten into my room without my code.

                “Don’t leave.” I whined into him, not letting go. “Don’t wanna be alone. Not tonight.”

                Spock froze. Half hanging onto me, half trying to step away. I looked up at him suddenly, without thinking. His warm brown eyes were torn. And so, with the humming of a warm electric buzz still running through my body at our contact, I did the only thing a drunk girl would do to a person she secretly did NOT love.

                My arm seemed to move of its own volition from his shoulder to where it was hanging to the back of his neck. It pulled him down to me even further, causing him to loose balance, and push me into the bed all the way, landing on top of me.

                And then I watched his eyes widen in disbelief as my other hand took his head and pushed his face to mine, touched our lips together, and I kissed him.

                I kept my eyes open the whole time too, because, well I guess wasted Jaemi was just that way. Wasted Jaemi kissed her first officer who she so did not love. Wasted Jaemi didn’t let his frozen form make her realize that he was in shock at the action. And wasted Jaemi assaulted her first officer’s lips until his eyes closed and his lips parted.

                Apparently I, wasted Jaemi, took that as an invitation to continue on with my assault. I kissed him harder, my tongue invading his mouth and colliding with his. His eyes opened again, locking with my wasted eyes, but he kissed me back just as passionately.

                And then all too soon he released me, pushing himself off the bed and off of me, wasted Jaemi and ran out of the room.

                I sighed in defiance at the loss of his warmth. At the loss of the humming buzz of our contact.

                The last thing I, wasted Jaemi, thought before drifting to sleep was that I halfway hoped I wouldn’t remember the embarrassing and amazing kiss with Spock.

               

               


	10. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemi doesn't remember what she did when she was wasted. She finally asks Spock, who decides to clue her in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I know you've been wanting to see how after kissing Spock drunk plays out. And here it is. It's a long one, the chapter, but totally worth it. And kinda funny, I think, at times. (I suck at writing humor, so hopefully it's not just wishful thinking on my part). Anyway, tell me what you think! Comment below! You guys are why I keep writing, so keep on telling me how I'm doing!  
> Enjoy chapter ten!

                I had to admit to myself that I really didn’t want to wake up. My head felt like I’d used to win a door breaking contest with a Klingon, and I was pretty confused as to how I got into my room.

                No rest for the wicked. And I had certainly not been _good_ last night. How much did I drink anyway? 

                I got up and started to change, knowing I needed to shower before I did _anything_ else. I remembered running into Sam at the bar…it’d been unpleasant. And Nui’Toa, who had basically declared that after his initial emotional outburst I was now an officially adopted member of his family. Not that the Emperor would see it that way, since Nui’Toa was no longer a citizen of the Tangata Empire, which was remarkably human minus the whole outdated women are seen as less warrior society thing.

                They certainly looked human, well except for their eyes, which were…striking. Their anatomy was remarkably similar to a human’s too. Why was I even thinking about this anyway? I knew, without it having been said, that whatever the _thing_ Nui’Toa and I had was officially over. He went onto Lenore.

                Which was another conundrum in of itself. Lenore. Kodos’ daughter. God she’d pissed me off, but then, I couldn’t exactly remember the details of it. Except for the lingering… pity I felt for her. Odd.

                Showering, dressing, and now what? Shit what time was it? Why hadn’t my alarm went off? I knew we were supposed to leave in the afternoon, take some supplies or something to New Vulcan.

                “Computer, time?” I asked as I pulled the final piece of my uniform on, my gold command shirt.

                “The time is currently 1042 in synchronization with that of Starbase 12.” The computer’s automated, rather feminine, voice returned.

                Shit.

                “Kirk to Spock.” I flipped open the communicator I grabbed from my desk. Why did a part of me feel nervous about talking to him?

                “Spock here captain.”

                “Status?” I asked, just vague enough to incite a detailed response from Spock. He hated vague questions, and answers, so in return he would attempt, and succeed, at being as detailed as possible.

                “All ship reports are unremarkable. We are due to depart from Starbase 12 within 3.12 hours, captain. Is there anything else on which you would like a report?” Okay, so not so detailed now, odd. But he did answer my question, well, his interpretation of my question anyway. Which is what I meant, I think.

                “Good, Mr. Spock. I’ll see you on the bridge in a bit. I’m stopping by sickbay first. Kirk out.” I closed the communicator before he could respond by asking why I was going to sickbay.

                I wanted to go to sickbay, because, well, I wanted to ask someone I trusted just how the hell I’d managed to get back onto the ship last night.

                Walking to sickbay the only thing that was on my mind was just that. How the hell did I manage to get back to the ship in the state I most likely was in? Which was: completely and totally wasted.

                What I was not expecting to see in Bones’ office was Uhura.

                She was leaning over his desk, in a position that I couldn’t quite understand because of the simple fact that it was Uhura. And her position was not exactly that of a professional. She was leaned over the desk, he but sticking out was the main thing I could see, and it appeared that she was whispering something in Bones’ ear.

                This visual, however, did not stop me from entering the office. The hiss of the door seemed to pull them out of their mutually private moment into a state of shock and embarrassment. I stifled a laugh. And confusion. Wasn’t she still seeing Spock? Well, even if she was, it wasn’t any of my business.

                “Sorry to interrupt, but uh, do you have a moment, Bones?” I asked, standing, awkwardly not trying to be awkward, just inside the door to his personal office.

                Uhura straightened then and quickly walked out, not without, I noticed, an annoyed look in my direction.

                “Not anymore.” Bones grumbled. Yeah, I definitely interrupted something. “What do you want?”

                “I hate to ask, but, uh… got anything I’m not allergic to for a headache?” I never asked him for medicine. Refused pointedly in fact. But, it was the perfect interlude into asking him if he had been a gentleman last night and taken me home, so, it wasn’t actually for the medicine that I was asking, but a tactic. Not that I didn’t mind getting the pain medicine for the headache, because I definitely had one hell of a hangover.

                “Yeah, sure.” He pulled out a drawer in his desk without even asking me why, grabbing what appeared to be a hypo. I groaned audibly and he noticed. “I guess you had one hell of a night last night. This oughta cure the hangover.” He stood up and walked towards me, hypo in his hand at the ready. Without warning, well a verbal warning, because I knew he was going to do it, the hypo in his hand descended down and bit me in the neck. I flinched, as I always did. “Wow, no complaints. What’s up?”

                “I was hoping you could tell me. How the hell did I make it back to my room last night?” I asked, taking a seat in his office as he casually took his own seat behind his desk.

                “Well, when the hobgoblin found me, rather late may I tell you, or early, depending on how you wanna look at it, he said you might be needing the special.” He looked up at me, and I noticed that my attractive best friend seemed rather tired. “So if I had to take a guess, I assume he was the one that brought you safely back.”

                My eyes widened and my heart started to race at that. If I was that drunk and he was there…. Bones noticed.

                “I see you’re worrying over what you might’ve done. He didn’t say anything to me about anything, if you’re concerned, but then again, I can’t imagine he would have.” He just shrugged his shoulders. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got work to do and so do you. Late start I’m assuming?”

                “Never slept better.” I replied. I stood up and walked to the door, turning around at the last moment. “Thanks, Bones.”

                “Yeah yeah yeah. What would you do without me? No go on and do your job. I just got a whole order of medical supplies we’re to be transporting to New Vulcan I need to sort through, so I’m betting you’ve got better things to do than to gossip with me.” He waved his hands at me in a dismissal.

                “Aye, captain.” I said sarcastically. If he’d had something to throw at me he would’ve.

                So, Spock had taken me back to my quarters. But why? He didn’t go to bars, in fact he vehemently detested them. Probably someone told him I was there and… no he probably just wanted to make sure I wasn’t making a fool of myself.

                “Keptin on ze bridge!” Chekov shouted as per protocol when the turbo lift doors hissed open and I walked onto the bridge. I glanced around. Everyone was in their assigned duty positions. Uhura had apparently made her way from Bones’ office to the communications console, and was decidedly not looking at me. Chekov was at the navigation panel, Sulu was in the pilot’s position, and Spock, well, Spock was doing whatever Spock did when he wasn’t actively engaged in looking for anomalies or threats. None of which would be existing at our current location.

                “We are due to depart to New Vulcan at approximately 1300 hours. We will be bringing supplies with us that they have requested, among those supplies are much needed medical equipment. Said supplies are already being transported aboard from the Starbase currently.” I looked up at Spock who was speaking to me after I’d taken my seat in the captain’s chair. He hadn’t waited for me to ask him about what was going on, nor did he mention the fact that I was technically about two hours late for my shift. I guess, everyone realized, that I had been out drinking the sorrows of yesterday away. Not that everyone knew why I would be, but I appreciated the silence of the matter regardless. “I understand that this mission does not fall under the category of exploration you would like during the beginnings of our five year mission, captain, however, it is quite necessary.”

                “Understood. Not quite the start I was hoping for on our five year mission, but hey, I guess duty calls.” I shrugged. I knew I was being uncharacteristically pliant, and that everyone else would notice too, but what could I do about it, honestly? And I was still a bit apprehensive about what may or may not have come out of my mouth while severely intoxicated in Spock’s presence last night. Not that I could do anything about that either. But he was being unusually vocal… and well, awkward if ever such a thing could be said about a Vulcan.

                “In the meantime, what do you propose?” I asked, suddenly aware of how weird it was to be on shift at a Starbase with nothing really to do. “No, wait, I’ll go check on the larger supplies that are being transported into the cargo bay, no doubt Scotty’s having a hell of a time and is going to be griping at me. Spock, you have the con.”

                And just like that I rose out of the chair as quickly as I had taken it, leaving the bridge to Spock once again. I didn’t feel like being in the awkward silence I knew was about to occur if I had just sat there, and it wasn’t like me anyway. I needed to be moving, checking, and doing something. Especially since I really didn’t have anything to do but think. And thinking was the last thing I needed to be doing.

                Apparently I was right, Scotty was throwing a fit. The fit that I would have been throwing under normal circumstances.

                “It’s just undignified! They’re using the flagship as a glorified transport vessel, I say! She’s not a transport vessel, and I know you’ll be agreein’ with me captain, we’re meant to be in deep space by now! I know we’ve had our missions, and that they’ve been important, but honestly, supply transport? Just undignified I say! Unjust to be treat my, sorry, our lady like that!”

                He complained as he checked off certain supplies needed for engineering on a PADD, some of which weren’t strictly needed. He roamed around the cargo bay, insuring that said supplies were actually there and accounted for. No doubt, some were for his personal projects, projects that weren’t strictly regulation authorized, but which did help the ship run better. He was, after all, the engineering genius of Starfleet, and I was proud to have him aboard. I’d made the mistake of letting him go once, I wouldn’t make that mistake again, even if he had saved our asses in the end.

                We wouldn’t have needed saving if he’d been aboard the whole time.

                “Scotty, I get it, trust me, I’m the last person who still wants to be in the Alpha quadrant when our five year mission has technically started, but, orders are orders, and it’s not as if we’ll be there for that long, just a supply drop off and then we’ll be back out to deep space in no time.” I said this, not sure if I really believed it. We were supposed to be exploring, but so far, the furthest we’d gotten was a bit away from Rigel V, and that wasn’t far enough in my opinion, to star map. No first contacts, no looking for M-Class planets, no, just star mapping and a diplomatic mission and a secret mission which had landed us right back on Starbase 12. Well, we did find that weird escape pod/distress beacon, but I hardly thought that counted.

                “The sooner the better. I want ta see how my latest modification holds up.” He looked at me, as if he’d just tattled on himself to a parent. “Not that it won’t or the modification is uh, prohibited or anything captain.”

                “Scotty, since when have I been against your genius in engineering? As long as you don’t blow us up, well, I’ve got no problems with anything. In fact, I’d be of a mind to help if you want.” I said, trying to tell him, _hey it’s okay if you want to work on projects and modify the Enterprise. Don’t let me scare you off. You did save my ass from Delta Vega after all._ It seemed to work, because he beamed with satisfaction.

                “Of course, captain, if you don’t mind. But right now I don’t really have anything for ya. Thanks!”

                I walked off then, leaving him to his own duties, knowing that I needed to return to mine, even if they weren’t anything but sitting on the bridge until we departed.

                “Bridge to Captain.” I heard over the com panel. I took out my communicator and flipped it open to respond, mainly because I didn’t want to disturb Scotty any more than I already had.

                “Captain here.”

                “Incoming transmission from Admiral Keating.” It was Uhura’s voice, of course, monitoring the communications channels.

                “Send it to my ready room. I’ll be up there in a couple of minutes. Kirk out.” I flipped the communicator closed and headed towards my ready room.

                I wondered, if not just a bit, why he would be wanting to talk to me so soon before our departure. I’d been assured that everything was fine with the debriefing before I’d left it yesterday to go get seriously wasted. Was there something more he wanted to say that I hadn’t given him the chance to say? Was I in trouble after all for killing Kodos? Or was it merely a personal farewell he wished to impart?

                “Admiral.” I greeted him sitting down at my desk in my ready room. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

                “Come off it, Jaemi. This isn’t official business, just wanted to give you a head’s up. Someone leaked to the press that you were responsible for Kodos’ death.” I felt my eyes widen at the news but kept silent, he went on. “I don’t know how. Shit, not even Admiral Jackson knows how. We think it’s Alton, but there’s no evidence of the matter, which makes it kind of hard to charge him officially with anything. And trust me, we’ve both looked. Jackson likes you, respects you, thinks you’ve had a good thing going and can keep it going, despite the bullshit and your past, maybe because of it. I know you don’t know him, but he really has your best at heart, just like me. And if he can’t pin this on Alton, well, no one’s going to be able to. Anyway, I just want you to be aware of what’s going to be circulating. I know Vulcans don’t take to gossip like any other race in the Federation, but they’re not perfect, nobody is, regardless of race. And your image, well, as much as I hate to say it about a logical people and all that, image is still very prevalent to them. Especially since, well shit, you know what I mean. Someone is going to ask you a bunch of questions no doubt, and they’ll be able to tell if you’re lying, so you can’t lie and…”

                Keating was… rambling. Which was never a good sign. Which meant that everything was much worse than he was making it out to be, and he was already making it out to be difficult.

                “Sir, you’re rambling. Could you please just say what the worst of it is already?” I asked, knowing full well I didn’t really want him to be descriptive in the least. 

                “Jaemi, by the time you hit New Vulcan, the press is going to be informed of your past with Tarsus IV. The worst is, people are going to be speculating that you killed Kodos in cold blood and that you shouldn’t be a captain of any ship, let alone the flagship. The good part of that is that there are still those out there who hero worship you, so you’ll have back up without having to do a press conference…. But you’ll probably end up having to do a press conference before returning to the five year mission in deep space.”

                I sighed. I knew it was bad. Press conference? I hated politics, and that’s all press conferences were, especially when they involved officers on ships, more especially when they involved Starfleet captains. Most especially when they involved the youngest female captain to date: me.

                “Bad news taken and noted.” I replied through clenched teeth. If Keating was this nervous about telling me what he was, it was definitely bad on the outside. I was just thankful that we would be undocking soon and headed off to the one planet where gossip wasn’t as credited as others. Not to say that Vulcans didn’t gossip, because they did, in their very Vulcan way, but it wasn’t going to be nearly as bad.

                “On the other hand, I do have some good news for you. You and your crew are being ordered to take shore leave after the supplies for New Vulcan are dropped off and signed for. The bad part of that news is that your shore leave will be on New Vulcan. I hope you can handle that. After your shore leave you will be cleared to come back to Earth for a press conference following which you will be heading out on your five year mission. Sound good?” He flashed a faked smile, borne out of sympathy.

                “Sir, I just want to get this show on the road. But, as you say, orders are orders, doesn’t mean I have to like it. Which I don’t. And you can kindly go tell Alton to fuck himself, because no matter who can or can’t prove shit, I know he’s to blame for this.”

                “Yeah, well don’t we all? Best of luck, captain. You’ll be fine and out exploring in no time. Keating out.”

                And just like that the screen went blank. I was left to ponder the effects killing Kodos had. I was right, justified in more ways than one about his death, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there were those who would use the information against me. Perfect. Who better to handle intergalactic drama than Captain Jaemisen T. Kirk? I could do it, especially if it meant going to New Vulcan and having shore leave there. While most people would be pissed about the lack of bars and other such establishments they liked while on shore leave, I would not be. I would get to see an old friend, and maybe hash out some personal issues while I was there.

                In fact, I planned on it.

                Now I just had to figure out how much of an ass I made out of myself last night when Spock, apparently, was the one to drag my wasted ass back to the ship.

                But that could be done later. Right now, I needed to call an old friend.

                “Jaemi, dear friend. To what do I owe the pleasure of this unexpected but very welcome transmission?” Old Spock’s face lit up with a smile. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing Spock smile, mainly because it’s Spock, even though it’s older Spock who’s so free with his emotions, it’s still weird to think of Spock smiling. To see a Vulcan, well half-Vulcan, smiling. No, it’s just weird to see Spock smiling period.

                “I wanted to tell you that I’ll be seeing you soon. We’re on our way to New Vulcan with some supplies, which I’m sure now that I mention it you’re already aware of…” I trailed off, realizing how _illogical_ it was of me to be mentioning to someone who was aware of the Federation’s dealings in the galaxies.

                “I was aware, but it is also gratifying that you would take the time to inform me personally. I assume you wish to visit whilst you are on New Vulcan?” He asked, his eyes smiling even if his face was not anymore.

                “Of course. Oh, but also Starfleet has arranged for a bit of a shore leave after the supplies are taken care of, which I assume you also knew, of course.” I groaned, inwardly frustrated. I don’t think I’ll ever get the whole _logic_ thing down. Especially not the part about not mentioning the obvious.

                “Naturally, but it is, again, gratifying that you would take the time to inform me personally. I have already taken steps to secure you a place to stay here while on shore leave. If you would accept to stay with me, you are more than welcome to, but of course you are not required.”

                “Stay with you? Of course I would! Thank you, you didn’t have to do that.” Really, he didn’t, but I was happy enough that he did anyway. I wouldn’t have to stay on the ship and I wouldn’t have to stay in the embassy or the small little hotel they had set up on New Vulcan either.

                “I can only hope the guest room in my own small home will satisfy your needs then.” Old Spock replied, a knowing glitter twinkling in his eyes.

                “Of course, Spock. Sorry, Ambassador Selek. You are still going by that, right?” I asked, knowing full well it would be _illogical_ for him to have chosen another alias to go by, as much as it would be to reassume his true name, seeing as how there already existed a Spock in this timeline.

                “As you well know it would be illogical for me to have chosen yet another name to go by outside of the privacy of Sarek, T’Pau, yourself, and my younger counterpart. You will still refer to me as Selek in public, but in private you may refer to me by my given name, or that of friend as well.”

                “Of course, Spock, old friend. I can’t believe I’m going to be seeing you. It’s been so long. I really need to talk to you anyway.” I said, knowing full well he would correct me on multiple accounts of my phrasing. It was a Spock thing, I’d come to realize, but one that I enjoyed with old Spock, not so much with my Spock, since he always seemed condescending about it.

                “It has been 1.23 years since last we saw each other, when you were still recovering from the transfusion of Khan’s blood and the Enterprise was undergoing repairs. You should also note that it is quite believable that you will be seeing me again in person, as you have taken the steps to personally inform me of such. It has not been quite as long as your tone suggested, however, I too have felt your absence markedly so. It is a point of gratification that I shall be enjoying your presence in person once again, Jaemi.” He countered, as was custom for us. It _was_ a game with us. One I happened to enjoy, one that gave me hope that maybe someday my Spock and I could have the same sort of rapport, enjoy the same teasing, the same kind of _friendship_ that Old Spock had spoken of so long ago. The one _he_ said would be shared between _my_ Spock and me.

                God, I really had to stop thinking about him as _my_ Spock. He wasn’t mine. Just mine in the way he was from my timeline. And the fact that he was my first officer. But still, the possessive use of the word ‘my’ was beginning to be disturbing, even to my tastes.

                “There is a matter which troubles you young one. What is it?” Spock, older Spock, the one on the screen built into my ready room desk asked. It was creepy, sort of, that he could read me so well. “I have the ability to understand your many facets because I spent years developing that understanding with your counterpart in my timeline. You are two different people, just as my counterpart and I are, but ever still the same, with the same universal constants.” Somehow, he was reassuring me of more than just his creepy tendency to know what I was thinking before I even said it, I knew that, but I didn’t understand it.

                “Universal constants are actually something I wanted to talk to you about, but it’s probably best that we wait until I reach ground.” And it was probably best, it was a conversation I didn’t want to have now anyway, with the main subject of which currently being on board and possibly able to walk in at any moment.

                “Of course, Jaemi, I would be more than happy to discuss the subject of universal constants with you during your stay on New Vulcan.” He answered playfully.

                “You, happy?” I jested.

                “As you are well aware, I, as well as the Vulcan race, do have emotions. We simply seek to control them.” He retorted, still playing our game.

                “Yeah, I know, but you, other you, chooses to ignore that, quite effectively I might add. But anyway, I better get back to the bridge, we’ll be taking off soon, and the sooner we take off the sooner I’ll get to see you again, old friend.”

                “Naturally.” He raised his hand in the traditional _ta’al_ , “ _sochya eh dif_ ” (peace and long life).

                I returned the gesture, and the farewell, saying it as well as I had the last time I’d spoken it, apologizing to _my_ Spock, God I really needed to stop thinking about him like that, when I’d apologized to him in the traditional way of Vulcans for compromising him. The screen went black and I sat there for a moment, thinking about it, about how I’d come to be able to speak Vulcan perfectly, high Vulcan even yet.

                It was because of the mind meld. I didn’t understand it, and I didn’t ask. In return Spock, older Spock didn’t tell me why, didn’t even remark on my improved ability, and so it wasn’t talked about. And so I didn’t speak it ever. Except that one time, to my Spock, when I couldn’t think of how to apologize enough, and then to old Spock, when we greeted or said farewell to each other. And he wouldn’t remark on my ability to speak like a native of Vulcan and I wouldn’t ask. Besides, my Spock, I give up with thinking of him by anything else when thinking of old Spock at the same time, never really questioned me about my ability, and I never really told him about it either. I may have just let him come to the _logical_ conclusion that I learned it. Which wouldn’t be too much out of the realm of possibility, but it definitely wasn’t the truth.

                “Keptin on ze bridge!” Chekov exclaimed as the turbo doors hissed open and I walked onto the bridge for the second time today. Again, Spock looked to me, his face impassive, but I knew something weird was going on. It wasn’t in his expressions, for they were lacking, severely, as in not existing. But I could feel it, somehow, something was up with him. I just didn’t know what.

                “Report, Mr. Spock?” I asked, taking my seat in the captain’s chair.

                “All supplies have been transported aboard and are secure. Engineering reports ready, we are ready to undock, captain.” Spock said, still eyeing me from his science station.

                “Great, well, I guess we should probably leave then, huh.” I glanced over to Chekov, who was looking at me expectedly. “Lay in a course for New Vulcan, Mr. Chekov.”

                “Course pre-plotted and ready, Keptin.” He replied, not even bothering to look down at his console, obviously having plotted the course already.

                “Well then,” I looked to Sulu who had also been looking at me for orders, “disengage form dock and punch it Sulu, maximum warp. No reason to keep the colony from their supplies any longer than necessary.” No, but maybe a part of me just wanted to feel the ship at maximum warp again. I didn’t say it out loud though, because Spock would then tell me that after the initial jump to top warp it would be impossible to discern the difference between maximum warp and any other speed. But Sulu understood, because he just smiled at me with a wide grin.

                “Aye, captain.” And turned around to punch it, this time making sure to disengage the external inertia dampener. Yeah, I’d been told about that one night, after we’d gotten back to Earth and Pike had recovered from his injuries enough to celebrate with us. It was a good night, and Pike made sure of it. Yeah, I missed Pike in times like these. I knew it wasn’t easy for him to give up a life among the stars, but his injuries had made it impossible. As much as I missed him now, I could at least, after a while, now be thankful he didn’t live long enough to know the pain that would be.

                I decided on the day we got him back from Nero, the day we defeated Nero that I would make it a surety to die in action if I was ever in a position like his. I couldn’t imagine my life not among the stars. I’d hold off promotion to Admiral, which I had seen in old Spock’s memories, for as long as possible. But then again, it may never happen, as he said, and my Spock said, somethings that happened in old Spock’s timeline may never come to pass. As it was, so much had happened in this timeline that was different anyway, it was only just recently that the timeline was trying to correct itself, or so old Spock had said.

                I think that more than anything else made me nervous. Because there was some shit I’d seen from old Spock’s memories that I didn’t ever want to experience. Then again, it was me who died in the chamber from radiation and not Spock. And it was me who was brought back to life, just not by the Guardian of Forever. But it was just parallel enough, especially with it being because of Khan and all, to send shivers down my spine.

                Those shivers disappeared, or morphed rather, into adrenaline, as Sulu punched it into maximum warp after we had disengaged from the docking station.

                “Mr. Spock,” I started, causing him to look up from the science station at me, “walk with me to my ready room. We need to talk.” I decided once and for all I was going to get to the bottom of this from the source. I _needed_ to know I didn’t make a complete fool of myself last night. 

                “Of course, captain.” He replied as he stood, following after me into the turbo lift.

                “Sulu, you have the con.” I said just before the turbo lift doors hissed shut.

                We rode the turbo lift in silence. Mainly because it was like a second ride up to my ready room, but also because neither of us seemed to want to discuss something so private in a possibly public place. Well, I didn’t, that was for sure, and I knew Spock didn’t like private discussions with me anyway, so… yeah.

                As soon as we were safely in the privacy of my ready room I started, not even bothering to wait until we were seated. “Alright, spill.”

                “I do not understand, captain. What is it you wish me to ‘spill’?” He asked, taking a seat in front of my desk as I took mine behind it.

                “The beans. The information. Oh God, why do I even try with you? I want you to tell me about last night. Bones said he didn’t bring me back to the ship but that you did. I don’t remember it, so I want to know if I did anything… weird. Different. I’m sorry, by the way, that you had to do that. I was just so... I don’t know. Pissed, stressed, agitated? I needed a drink, well apparently more than one, and then I ran into my brother, and Nui’Toa, and Lenore. Did you know Kodos has, had, a daughter? And she was defending him. She _defended_ him, Spock. I was so pissed after that, not that I remember much of it. Then I don’t remember anything. So I guess you found me and took me home. I don’t know. Please, tell me I didn’t make a complete fool of myself. I shouldn’t have gotten drunk, I know that. I’m a captain. I shouldn’t have let it get to me. Except it did, and I can’t change that. So please, give me some good news and tell me I wasn’t a complete idiot last night. Tell me I didn’t do anything foolish?”

                I rambled. I rambled so much that I hadn’t realized until I rambled how worried I was.

                “Sorry, sorry, I know that was a lot.” I almost whispered.

                “I see that you are… emotional. Is this the period in which humans call ‘your monthly time’?” Spock asked with a straight face. Which made it all the more hilarious, because I started laughing. Like really laughing. I completely lost it. Which, if it was done on purpose, might well have been his goal.

                “Good one, Spock. No. I’m not on my period.” He looked at me, an eyebrow raised in question. “Menstruating. Surely if you knew the phrase ‘your monthly time’ you know that the word ‘period’ refers to the female menstrual cycle?” I looked up at him, still somewhat chuckling. “No? Yeah, you do. Anyway, I did not pull you off the bridge simply to discuss my biological functions, Spock.”

                “I would certainly think not.” He replied quickly, evenly. Which, of course, made me laugh again.

                “No. I would, however, like to know how you of all people happened to be the one to find me and bring me home as it were. And for you to be honest with me. Did I make a fool of myself? I need to know, well, because if I did, I need to apologize to whoever I messed around with while intoxicated, and hope not to EVER do that again. I am captain after all, I do have a certain image I need to maintain.”

                “I found you based on the predictions of Doctor McCoy. When I returned to the Enterprise after the debriefing, I wished to find you to speak with you about the proceedings, and their potential effect, due to Admiral Alton’s presence.” I audibly groaned at the mention of the admiral jackass, but it didn’t deter Spock from continuing with his monologue which I’d asked of him. “Due to my inability to find you on the ship I spoke with the doctor and inquired after where you might have gone to. He informed me the most likely place would have been the Starbase’s popular establishment commonly used to consume alcohol, due to the circumstances and situation. I was further held from finding you due to personal matters of which I would not consider necessary to address. I then found you stumbling outside said establishment, in an attempt, I believe, to return to the ship on your own. Due to the state of inebriation I found you in, I determined it best to accompany you back to the ship and return you to your quarters for your safety. You did not, in fact, at least that I am aware of, ‘make a fool of yourself’ as you say, to anyone in the local drinking establishment. Neither have I since heard of any complaints if there were any to be addressed.”

                Leave it to Spock to make a long winded statement when asked for one.

                “Okay. So I didn’t do anything stupid. Good to know.” I sighed a breath of relief, then realized he hadn’t exactly said I didn’t make a fool of myself, just not to anyone else he was aware of. A fucking _technicality_. Which Vulcans loved, well they wouldn’t say they _loved_ technicalities, as that is a human emotion and, well, they deny the presence of emotions and so on. But Vulcans DID love technicalities. “You said I didn’t make a fool of myself in the bar… what about not in the bar?”

                “I am unaware of any actions preceding your time in the local drinking establishment to which you refer to as the ‘bar’ to be noted as ‘foolish’.” He replied. So, I DID do something stupid then. I was getting somewhere. I did something stupid with Spock. Just fantastic.

                “Okay, so not before the bar, because before the bar I wasn’t drunk. And not in the bar, that you know of, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t anyway, because I remember most of my time in the bar, just not leaving it really. So after the bar. Which would mean around you. Because you said you found me pretty much right outside of the bar, right? So I did something stupid with you. What was it? Did I puke on you or something?” I asked, quietly laughing to myself. Puking on Spock wouldn’t be considered _foolish_ by any means, just embarrassing.

                “You did not eject any stomach matter via your mouth onto my person last night, captain.” Spock replied. It was an answer, but not an answer. Which meant that, God! I did do something stupid. I must’ve said something.

                “Okay…. Did I say something stupid?” I asked, not sure if I wanted an answer.

                “You did not relay any erroneous information to me.” Short and precise answers. Great.

I was getting somewhere, I just wasn’t sure I wanted to get there anymore. Because, well, Spock was evading answering my questions as much as he was actually answering them. Which could only mean like one of two things. Either I did something completely fucked up and attacked him or I spilled my heart out to him. And I knew I wouldn’t have a reason to attack him, I trusted him too much. Well, with my life anyway. Maybe not exactly with my heart, because, well, we weren’t really the greatest of friends anymore, and probably wouldn’t ever be. Not that we were really great friends in the first place, because hell, he’d barely admitted to being my friend when I’d died, or at least, that’s what I sort of remember. It’s kind of hard to remember shit when you’re dying.

“Spock, just come out and say it. You’re avoiding my questions.”

“I am answering each of your questions with the truth, captain.” He said. Yep. He was evading like a mother fucker. Didn’t he know I knew that by now? Didn’t he know I could read him by now? Didn’t he know I could feel that he didn’t want to answer with the full truth? Wait, I _could_ feel that. My mind must be imagining things, because there was no way. No, I was projecting my intuition on him. But I DID know he didn’t want to tell me something about last night. I just didn’t know what it was. And THAT was frustrating. Because, well, it made me want to know more of what I didn’t remember. But it also made me pretty wary of what it was exactly that I didn’t remember.

“Spock.”

“Captain.”

“Just come out with it. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s worse for me than for you. I don’t see why you are hesitating in telling me.”

“Captain, as I have already stated, I have answered each of your questions quite truthfully. I am unsure what else I can tell you. You did not say anything foolish to me nor did you ‘puke’, as you say, on my person.” Spock replied, repeating what he’d already told me. Which, wasn’t like him. Because I hadn’t asked him to repeat himself, and he didn’t like to repeat himself either.

“Okay, you just repeated yourself. And I didn’t ask you to. So now I know I _did_ do _something_. Just tell me what it was. What did I say to you or what did I do in your presence? Because I know I had to have said or done _something_. I was wasted, and I almost always do _something_ wasted that I wouldn’t do sober.”

“Is the human phrase ‘drunk words are a sober man’s thoughts’ truthful in any form?” Spock asked, quoting a colloquial phrase, one I didn’t know he knew.

“In essence, yes. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, as I’m sure you’re aware of. So that would stand to reason, that someone drunk might say something aloud that they would only think and not say while sober.” I explained, confused slightly, but thinking I was getting somewhere finally.

“Does this phrase also adhere to actions as well?” Spock’s tone was even, calculated. If he were human, well, more than half-human, I would think he was leading up to something. No, species aside, I was pretty sure he was leading up to something. So I answered again.

“Most of the time. It’s not a rule or anything, that people who are intoxicated say and do things they only think about saying or doing sober, but it’s generally true.”

“Generally true. The statement holds no statistical value.”

“Okay, most of the time. Like 98% of the time it’s true. There’s the rare 2% for when there’s a suggested action or there are extenuating circumstances. No, I can’t really give any examples.”

“Based on your statistics, which I gather are not precisely accurate, you are saying that people who are inebriated tend to say and act on thoughts and desires that sobriety would normally disallow them from saying or doing, correct?” Spock asked for clarification. Clarification on the obvious, which meant only one thing. He wanted to be absolutely certain this statement was factual before saying anything else.

“Yes, Spock. That would be the point of the phrase. It’s like when Bones drinks too much and whines about how he half wishes he hadn’t been such a jerk to his ex-wife because then he’d still get to see his daughter and he still loves his ex, even though she’s been a total bitch to him about everything. He would never say that sober, but he thinks about it while he’s sober. Or when Scotty talks about making love to the Enterprise when he’s had a few too many drinks, wait, scratch that, he does that sober too. But you get what I mean, right? It’s like when cupcake is drunk and starts to hit on me, even though he would never do that sober either.”

“You refer to Lt. Giotto?” He asked when I mentioned cupcake, my favorite nickname if I may say so, and I do, because well it’s been my nickname for him since before I joined Starfleet. I nodded to him confirming such. “I believe I am understanding the phrase.” He finished.

“Great. So why’d you ask in the first place?”

“I simply wished to know if it was true. I believe, based on your analysis and experience with alcohol, as well as your examples, that you are correct, even if your statistical percentages are not precisely accurate.”

“Bullshit. There’s a deeper reason you wanted to know. What is it?”

There was silence. Like the distance between us had grown once more. Silence. Except this was an awkward silence. A silence I wasn’t used to with Spock. Well, mostly because Spock was usually always silent when he didn’t have anything to say, and he definitely had something more to say.

“Spock?”

“I do not believe you would wish me to repeat your sober thoughts you uttered to me when you were, as you say, quite ‘drunk’. I believe it would be best to refrain from retelling recent history and, as you would also say, ‘move on’.” Spock started to stand then, thinking I would just accept what he said and ‘move on’. I didn’t even know he knew that phrase.

“Now wait just a damn minute!” I stood up and I swear I sounded so much like Bones there that I didn’t know if it was my command that stopped him or my conjuring a Bones moment. “Just come out with it, and I know you know what that means so don’t you dare deflect by asking, and tell me already. It’s driving me crazy. No, not literally, but it might, so you’d best just tell me what it was I said or did or both and let me _move on_ with it as I see fit.” Yeah, I was definitely channeling Bones then.

He didn’t see fit to sit back down. “Captain-“

“God, Spock! I know we’re technically on duty, but would it _kill_ you to call me Jaemi when we’re alone or off duty?” I complained finally, because I realized, I really did want him to call me by my first name. The few times I’d heard it from him it sounded nice. And it was nice to be called by my first name. Especially by someone else other than Bones, who was pretty much the only one who really ever did use my first name anyway. Well, he actually used it more than my rank, something I was grateful for.

“Jaemi.” He said finally, appeasing me.

“Come out with it already, Spock! Just tell me!”

“You informed me… you told me… you said you love me.” He finally said. And I gasped, shocked, embarrassed, relieved and horrified all at the same time. And then I did the only thing I could, I laughed.

“Of course I did, I do. I mean, I love every one of the crew.” It wasn’t a false statement, just a redirect, because I did love the crew. They were family. But I didn’t love the crew like I loved Spock. Something I could barely admit to myself, something I was trying to deny. This didn’t seem to relieve him in any way though, however.

“You also kissed me, in your quarters, after I laid you in your bed.” He continued. And then I knew I was blown. Well fuck.

“No.” I denied it, even as I knew it was true. I probably did. And what would Spock gain by lying to me about it anyway. Spock couldn’t lie. He wouldn’t lie. Especially not about that. So it was true.

“I also returned the kiss.” He said finally before the doors of my ready room hissed open.

Well, that, I wasn’t expecting.


	11. Spock is ENGAGED? What?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk and Spock arrive at New Vulcan to begin a shore leave of sorts and Kirk finds out that Spock is engaged. Obviously she's pissed.

                Arriving at New Vulcan was…nerve wracking. I couldn’t stop thinking about Spock admitting to me that when I was wasted I kissed him and he actually kissed me back. So, like the completely mature adult that I am…I avoided him for about a day and a half that it took us to travel from Starbase 12 to New Vulcan.

                I further avoided him when the supplies were shipped off of the ship and shore leave officially started. That is, until we were supposed to beam down and meet with certain individuals. Together. There was no avoiding him then.

                I could avoid him on the bridge in two ways. One, I could simply ignore him unless duty required that we talk. Which, really, it didn’t. Surprisingly the whole trip was quiet. Two, when I was too frustrated and or distracted by his physical presence, I could simply hand the bridge over to him. It was as easy as that. Mostly, I stuck with staying on the bridge until I couldn’t bear it anymore and then going to the gym. I made sure that I had absolutely no personal time to spare, just in case he decided to seek me out and ‘talk’ about stuff.

                So, it stood to reason that when we were officially done with the supply transfer to the colony and shore leave started that we would run into each other. Because we were both staying on the colony with Vulcans. Because both the people we were staying with were in contact with one another, family. Because the person I was staying with was the older version of Spock. Something I hadn’t quite told him yet, but I was sure he was capable of deducing for himself.

                It hadn’t been required that I make the acquaintance of anyone on the colony for the supply transfer, so I kept myself busy until such a time that shore leave started, which wasn’t that hard because I really did have stuff to keep me busy. Mostly paperwork. And I realized that it wasn’t just the Admiral’s idea to give us shore leave on New Vulcan. Spock had submitted a leave request, which apparently I had glanced over and signed and sent it up to the admiralty without paying attention to it, because there it was, in the reasoning for shore leave, was that Spock was taking leave anyway and I could use a good rest period after the whole Kodos thing. Well, reasoning in a personal email from Admiral Keating that is when I’d asked why exactly we were getting shore leave on New Vulcan and not Earth or somewhere else.

                The transporter room was the first place I saw Spock during ‘personal time’. He was dressed in traditional Vulcan robes, going down to meet his family. When I walked into the transporter room and he saw me, because it would have been difficult not to, he raised an eyebrow while Scotty let out an audible gasp of shock.

                I was wearing traditional Vulcan robes too. Old Spock had suggested it, so I’d used a bit of magic and ordered something from the colony and had it brought up to my quarters. I made sure it fit correctly, which of course it did, as I had given my exact measurements to the shop via the online catalogue. It’d been made pretty quickly, then again, having enough credits to purchase such a thing and have it done fast came in handy every now and then.

                I’d gone for a less traditional color, although it was still an earth tone. The robes were a dark forest green, with lighter green shades in accents. All in all, it was a very beautiful garment, especially since it was also a very _logical_ garment. It had to be. It WAS made by Vulcans. My robes didn’t have any lettering or glyphs like Spock’s, but I also wasn’t Vulcan and I didn’t belong to any clans either, so that made sense.

                But the way Spock looked at me when I walked through the door into the transporter room. His eyes widening just before his eyebrow raised. His slight intake of breath before he thought I noticed. It was… funny, strange, exhilarating? And then it made me nervous. Because I remembered that I was already nervous. I had plenty of reasons to be nervous.

                One: Spock and I were at an awkward impasse, each of us having acknowledged kissing the other, even though I was the one to initiate said action, he still responded. (And wasn’t he still ‘courting/dating’ Uhura?)

                Two: I was in a new form of clothing with no true idea if I was wearing it properly, about to beam down to a planet full of people who would know the instant I saw them, and while they might claim to take no offense, I definitely knew better.

                Three: Spock and I were beaming down together, because why? It was… _logical_ yeah. Because of course his father and grandmother who were to be greeting him home decided it was a splendidly _logical_ idea for Old Spock to come along too. And who was going down to see old Spock? Me, that’s who.

                Four: I was going to be meeting Spock’s father and grandmother in a non-official capacity, and on their home turf as it were. The last time I had seen either of them had been right after I’d emotionally compromised their son/grandson respectively and taken the captaincy away from him. However _logical_ Spock may have found it, it was done with poor taste, and a Vulcan sure as hell would have found a better way to _logic_ themselves into the captain’s chair than I had.

                So yeah, Spock’s raised eyebrow gaze fixated on me in my current state of dress prior to beam down to the colony, it kind of got to me a bit more than it should have.

                “Is there something wrong with my clothes?” I finally decided to ask. Because, well, out of the two of us, he actually _would_ know. I may have said it with a snippy voice, but I didn’t mind. It took care of two birds with one stone. Spock would understand not to look at me like that any further and also answer my question.

                “I detect no deficiencies in your wear of traditional Vulcan garments, captain.” Spock replied, snapping out of his shocked/confused state. Scotty was just staring dumbly, having followed my approach and step onto the transporter pad with marked interest, but staying silent on the manner of my dress.

                “Good to hear. Scotty, two to beam down. Energize.”

                The feeling of your matter twisting and changing into an energy signature isn’t quite something you ever get used to, but unlike Bones, it’s something I usually look forward to. Except for in this instance. Because it means that I am energizing down to a planet with Spock, where things already feel awkward, to meet with his father and grandmother who also happens to be the ruling authority of the surviving Vulcans. And things with Spock are awkward enough, seeing as how we haven’t exactly talked about my drunken actions and his reactions to my drunken actions with the exception of mentioning that they happened. Having to greet his father and grandmother under these conditions leaves something to be desired. The only good thing is…. Old Spock is going to be there.

                We materialized right on target. That is to say, right in front of three Vulcans, well two Vulcans and a half-Vulcan, who were obviously awaiting our arrival.

                “ _Live long and prosper, Ovensu Sarek, T’sai T’Pau, Ovensu Selek._ ” Spock spoke the traditional greeting in Vulcan, raising his hand in the _ta’al_. I followed suit, surprising everyone with the exception of Selek, or old Spock as Selek was his public alias. Spock already knew I could speak Vulcan, but I guess he’d let his perfect memory lock that specific information away for a moment because he looked over at me with a raised eyebrow before he allowed himself to pull up the memory of when I apologized for emotionally compromising him after the destruction of Vulcan to the surface of his conscious mind.

                The look did not go unnoticed, but it was not addressed. I merely shrugged at him and returned my attention back to the Vulcan welcoming party.

                The three, well two and a half Vulcans greeting us returned the traditional greeting. Ambassador Sarek had a look on his face, well a micro look anyway, that said ‘holy crap I didn’t realize you could speak Vulcan like a native’ and T’Pau did not seem fazed whatsoever. But then again, she was older, and had probably dealt with more than her fair share of surprises during her lifetime. However, she was the one who chose to comment on the matter.

                “ _Your command of the Vulcan language is commendable. Your accent is almost that of a native._ ” T’Pau said in an even tone. It was high praise from a Vulcan.

                “ _You honor me, T’sai._ ” I replied, inclining my head in a semblance of a bow of respect. I knew how to act, just most of the time I didn’t. I think this surprised Spock more than anything. That I was _behaving_.

                “The supplies have been transported to their respective locations. You are welcome to accompany us to tea.” Ambassador Sarek said, returning the conversation to standard. Not that I couldn’t speak in Vulcan, which was still kind of odd for me anyway, seeing as how I really didn’t use it on a regular basis, but I was thankful. It left me feeling just a tad bit more comfortable in an awkward situation. He must’ve noticed I was a bit tense.

                We followed the two and a half Vulcans to what I guessed was Ambassador Sarek’s home on the colony and sat down at what in a human’s home would be likened to an ancient 18th century drawing room to have tea. Ambassador Sarek disappeared into another room, I didn’t know which because the room I referred to as the drawing room was right inside and off to the right of the entrance of his home, so I hadn’t had time to explore.

                However, I noticed Spock taking notice of the room, well, the whole place really since we first entered. I looked over at him and questioned him with a look. A look that asked, ‘hey what’s up?’

                “The room is a replica of our home on Vulcan. In fact, it seems the entire layout of the house is replicated from our home on Vulcan.” Spock explained.

                “Yes.” T’Pau spoke now, confirming his observation. “Many of the surviving Vulcans sought to replicate that with which they were familiar with. Some, however, have not. It is a matter of preference, I suppose.”

                “Ah.” Was my singular reply, because just then Ambassador Sarek came back into the room with a tray laden with five cups of tea. One for each person in the room.

                He gave each person their cup of tea, and when he handed me mine I had to fight the urge to thank him, knowing that would be _illogical_.

                The first couple of minutes passed in silence as everyone took a moment to enjoy the warmth of the tea. I had yet to drink mine, because well, it was still steaming hot. My human body couldn’t deal with the temperature of it right away like the Vulcan bodies in the room could.

                Spock looked to me, an eyebrow raised in question. Why hadn’t I drank any of my tea yet? Shouldn’t that have been obvious?

                “The temperature is still a bit too hot for me to partake of currently. I’m waiting for it to cool down a bit, Mr. Spock.” I explained.

                “Of course, I should have anticipated that, captain.” He replied.

                “Captain Kirk,” Ambassador Sarek turned to me, not apologizing for the too hot tea, because that would be _illogical_ now that the situation had been addressed, it would not happen again in the future, of course, “I have been told your crew has been authorized shore leave on New Vulcan prior to your return to Earth in order to deal with a matter of public address. Should your crew require any temporary quarters on planet there is more than one place available, as we have grown much since we first settled. There is also an establishment that has been built with the specific design of entertaining off-worlders as well. I trust that your crew will find the establishment to be quite suited to their needs of relaxation.”

                I couldn’t help my reaction to that. Because he could only mean one thing. “There’s a _bar_ on New Vulcan?” Complete disbelief was apparent in my tone of voice.

                “Quite so. We have been visited by many delegations of differing species. It was only logical to erect a place in which they could relax and share in the customs of their races while off official duty.” Of course, logic. Well, it did make sense. “As we have accepted much help in the matter of establishing and thriving in our new colony, it was reasonable that we would have a place on the colony in which people could enjoy their time in their own ways.”

                “Naturally.” Old Spock said.

                “Of course.” I replied, taking a sip of my tea now that it had cooled off enough to enjoy. I was actually surprised that it tasted pretty good. It reminded me of the green tea I liked. Usually I drank coffee as a rule, but I was known to enjoy a rare cup of tea too.

                “Selek tells me you are staying with him during the shore leave, captain.” Ambassador Sarek remarked, using old Spock’s alias. I guess it was easier to do that when both were in his presence to differentiate between the two. That, and Spock, _my_ Spock, seemed to have something against not being the only Spock in the universe anymore. Which, really, didn’t make sense to me. Plenty of people shared names. But I guess that wasn’t the case on Vulcan, or at least, not anymore. And I guess there really was only one Spock of the S’chn T’gai clan anyway. Only one Spock that was associated with the Ambassador and T’Pau. So it made sense to have an alias, especially if he was going to be part of the council or an Ambassador. He’d chosen to be an Ambassador, obviously.

                “Please, call me Jaemi. And yes. He has graciously offered his home to me for the duration of the leave period.” I didn’t understand the small talk. I thought Vulcans didn’t do small talk. “Spock said he was to stay with you during the leave, correct?”

                “Naturally. Also, you may refer to me as Sarek” He replied. “We have business to attend to which will require him to reside on the colony during the period of your shore leave.” He didn’t offer to elaborate, but this was the first that I was hearing of any ‘business’ to which Spock needed to attend. I shot him a questioning look.

                “It is a private matter, captain.” Spock offered in lieu of an actual explanation.

                “Jaemi. We’re off duty, Spock. On leave.” I said, ignoring the fact that he ignored my question. Vulcans and private matters were something I was beginning to dislike more and more. Everything was goddamn private with them.

                I really didn’t understand him sometimes. I didn’t understand his predilection to refer to me by my rank more often than not, and then randomly refer to me by name. It didn’t make any sense.

                I was interrupted in my thought process by a beeping sound. A notification, apparently, on old Spock, Selek’s, PADD.

                “Ah. I have been notified your belongings have arrived.” He explained, looking up from his PADD. I hadn’t noticed when he’d pulled it out, but it was certainly in his hands now, his cup of tea finished and on the end table next to the chair he was sitting in. Which made me decide to finish my tea and place it back on the tray which occupied the coffee table, no tea table, in the middle of the room.

                “Great. Thank you again,” this time I DID decide to be _illogical_ and thank him, “for allowing me to stay in your home, Sp- Selek.”

                Spock and I had been seated on a couch across from Sarek. He was sitting in a chair directly in front of us. T’Pau had occupied a lounge chair, although she was not lounging in it, to the right of Sarek. Selek/old Spock was to his left. So Spock, my Spock, was looking between his counterpart and I confused.

                “It is of no consequence, Jaemi.” My name from his lips always made me smile, I had no idea why. “You are most welcome.”

                The whole room felt tense. Well, to me at least. I kept trying to not think about the fact that I had kissed Spock, my Spock, not that I remembered it, or that I apparently had admitted my, and I was loathe to even admit it to myself or think about it, love to him. Which just made it that much harder to not think about it. Especially as I was in the room with his father and grandmother and another him. And because I was staying with the other him. Also because Sarek and T’Pau were very pointedly NOT looking at anyone in the room, instead choosing to concentrate on, well ANYTHING, which was not Spock, old Spock, or myself.

                He finally, my Spock that is, decided to comment on the fact that I was staying with his counterpart for the leave period. It was odd, neither of us would be on the ship. But as we were orbiting New Vulcan, I didn’t really see the need for it though.

                “You are staying with Ambassador Selek for the entirety of shore leave?” Spock asked, confused. It didn’t escape my notice that he’d referred to him formally, by his alias formally anyway.

                “Yes.” I confirmed, as if he hadn’t already gathered that from the earlier statements. I didn’t see why he would choose to comment, or ask for confirmation, on the matter. I mean, his father had already commented on it, then I’d confirmed it, then old Spock had confirmed it again. Why did he feel the need to ask me about it now? It was very… unVulcan of him. “That has already been addressed, it would be the obvious conclusion to draw” I said cheekily. “Why ask me about it?”

                “I simply thought to ascertain the length of your stay with him. However, you are correct, it was obvious. Forgive me for failing to deduce that on my own.” Spock replied.

                The room went silent once more. It was an awkward silence, at least for me. Probably not for anyone else. Although, I could feel the palpable edginess from Spock. He’d literally, if it was possible, straightened up even more in his spot, sitting so erect I thought if he were human his muscles would protest against the strain.

                I fought against the urge to make small talk. To fill the silence with something. But I didn’t need to fight long, because I guess someone decided to notice I was starting to get on edge and whisk me away.

                Spock, old Spock, stood up interrupting the uneasy silence and spoke, breaking the tension and moving along. “Jaemi, I believe it is time we retire to my home, if you would accompany an old man.”

                I practically jumped out of my seat next to Spock in gratitude. “Of course. _Have a pleasant day_ , _Ovensu Sarek, T’sai T’Pau._ ” I said in Vulcan, raising my hand in the _ta’al_ before turning around and exiting the room.

                It was a pretty short walk to old Spock’s place. About ten minutes altogether. We walked in comfortable silence, and no one we passed gave me any dirty looks, well Vulcan dirty looks that is, because I had the hood of my robes pulled over my head.

                Old Spock’s place was pretty small compared to what Sarek’s was. But it wasn’t exactly small by my standards, which would indicate a shack for two was considered small. He had a very decently sized home, especially considering he was the only one that lived there. Well, he and like two orphaned Vulcan children. But they were either not home or off studying or something, because the only reason I knew about them were from previous subspace conversations.

                We settled down in his kitchen, him bringing me a much desired cup of good old black coffee.

                “I didn’t realize you guys even _had_ coffee on the colony.” I said gratefully taking the cup from his hands before he sat down across from me with yet another cup of tea for himself.

                “No. But as I knew you were planning to stay here I was able to requisition your favorite beverage.”

                I smiled at him. Genuinely. “You are a GOD!” I said, taking a whiff of the coffee and enjoying just the smell of good _real_ coffee. “This is the real stuff too, not replicated. Thank you.” I downed the whole mug and got up to refill it from the carafe on his counter.

                “Thanks are unnecessary. I am gratified that you are pleased with the beverage, however, I must remind you I am by no means a god. I have died, so I can assure you, I am quite mortal.”

                “Yeah, but you’re here right?” I countered as I sat back down at the table.

                “Quite obviously. I could say the same to you in return, though.”

                “Yeah, yeah. We’ve both cheated death.” I downed the second cup of coffee. Real coffee, sighing in bliss.

                “We have no ‘cheated death’ as you say, merely we have both been brought back into the world of the living my extraordinary means. Speaking of which, how are you coping with the effects from your method of return?”

                “Well, at first everything seemed fine. But honestly, I feel like I’m going crazy or something. Like, I’ve been super emotional, more than usual don’t raise your eyebrow at me like that. And apparently I can’t control myself when drunk and around a certain person.”

                “I find that is not irregular for you, or at least what I know of you in this timeline and know of your counterpart from my own. Perhaps you should have Doctor McCoy evaluate this… development?”

                “Nah. It’s not that big of a deal. I mean, who’s to say it hasn’t been because of the missions we’ve been given lately? I mean, the Tangata? Who suppress the shit out of their women? And me? In that situation. I’m sure you can imagine that. I still can’t believe I had to FIGHT just for my voice to be recognized. I’m the goddamn captain of the fleet’s flagship and they still didn’t want anything to do with me until I could _prove_ myself to be _worthy_. And they only allowed that because I’m the captain. And then there’s the whole Kodos thing. Yeah, if that didn’t stir the shit pot of crazy emotional me I don’t know what else would. Then there’s the fact that I apparently in a fit of sever intoxication admitted to Spock, not you the other Spock obviously, that I love him and kissed him and then he kissed me back. Yeah, I am neck deep in the over-emotional shit pot of crazy lately.”

                Silence. Eyebrow raised. Shit, I just told him about my Spock. Fuck.

                “Truly? And how did he react to your attentions?” He asked. Completely ignoring anything I said before that last statement in my rambling rant of crazy.

                “Uh… I don’t remember.” I said, it was the truth, just not all of it.

                “Jaemi. I know you. I know two of you. I am perfectly capable of discerning when you are only telling a half-truth. Which you just did.” That was his way of scolding me, and goading me. And well, it was a VERY Spock thing to do. Regardless of which universe Spock was from. And it worked. Every single time.

                “Ummm.. he said he kissed me back. But, I mean, honestly? I don’t see why he would. He’s been all distant and shit since I died and came back and then crazy protective but distant still in that. Which, I know, makes absolutely NO sense. And irritable. Can you even get irritable? Like a girl starting her period irritable. He’s been bad for _weeks_ now and it’s only gotten worse. Now, he can barely stand to be around me. Would you believe me if I told you he actually called me out on having sex with someone. Like really, totally called me out on it verbally. To my face!”

                More silence. Another eyebrow raise. God I HATED that eyebrow. No, not really, that eyebrow was sexy as hell. Did I really just say that?

                “You did not inform me of this either.” He said evenly, but I saw his lips twitch up, threatening to smile. He never hid his smile from me, so it made me wonder why he was trying to smile at me now.

                “You know, I don’t pry into his private life like that. Like whatever he’s doing here anyway that’s causing him to stay off the ship, which he NEVER does. Like, I didn’t even ask about it again when he declared it a private matter. And I didn’t even question him on why the hell he would even think about kissing me back, even though I still feel like that never happened because I totally wouldn’t do that,” oh yes I would completely blitzed out of my mind, I think, “because he’s with Uhura. Oh god she’s going to kill me.”

                “Lt. Uhura is not going to attempt to end your life, in either the literal or metaphorical sense.”

                “Why not? I totally, if it’s true that Vulcans can’t lie, which I totally don’t believe by the way, you lied to me a couple of years ago even if you call it implying and not lying, but Spock, my Spock, well actually both of you, would never in a million years think up a situation like that, kissed her boyfriend. Jesus man! What did you put in this coffee? I’ve only had two cups and I feel like I’m jumping in my own skin.”

                “You have not consumed non-replicated coffee in some time. Your body is not used to the current level of caffeine. I should have anticipated this, I apologize. Also, this coffee, your favorite kind and brand, has itself an abnormally high level of caffeine, especially when brewed in the specific manner of which I did. It was your counterparts preferred method. One cup of coffee brewed in this manner is the equivalent to approximately three cups of coffee. At least, that is what she once told me. Therefore, you have just consumed six cups of coffee in a relatively short amount of time and your current tolerance level is not used to such a high concentration of caffeine dosed in such a short amount of time.”

                “You sure are one for the long winded explanations. You could’ve just said, ‘hey Jaemi, you’ve consumed about six _regular_ cups of coffee’ and been done with it. But yeah, that would explain the hyper jitters that I have right now. Jesus even my hands are shaking.”

                “A side effect, of course, of high caffeine intake. Also, my counterpart and Lt. Uhura are not romantically involved anymore. Their intimate relationship ceased following the capture of Khan from the Klingon home-world. At least, that is the information that was relayed to me by our father, and I see no reason why he would lie to him, because, as you well know, Vulcans cannot lie.”

                “Wait a second, back up! Since KHAN? They haven’t been together since KHAN?!” I screamed, shocked and maybe a bit pissed that no one had told me, and seriously upset with myself for not noticing. “How the hell did I not KNOW that? It’s been a little over a YEAR since then. An entire year I went without knowing my first officer and chief communications officer were no longer involved. How the hell is that even possible?”

                Spock actually laughed. No shit, out loud, like a human, laughed.

                “As observant as you can be, Jaemi, when it comes to interpersonal relationships within your crew, you remain hopelessly oblivious unless a situation is brought to your direct attention. Since it is myself we are speaking of, no doubt he did not call special attention as to the status of his personal liaison with Lt. Uhura. We are a very private person, if I may say so myself. I would gather that the lieutenant did not wish to highlight her changed status either, since it was so easily kept from you.”

                “Wow, I really am blind. Such an idiot.” I mumbled, more to myself than anything. “But still, I still can’t believe him when he said he kissed me back. Like, no way. Not possible. He… he doesn’t see me like that. Not like you saw your Jaemi.”

                “What reason do you have to doubt him? Vulcans do not lie. And trust me, with what he’s going through right now, I am surprised he was able to _only_ return your attentions and leave.”

                “Speaking of which, what _is_ he going through then? I thought something was up.”

                “It is a private matter. As much as I am sure you will… find out, I should not be the one to tell you.”

                “Yeah, well, you’re Spock too. So if you did, then well, it’s _you_ telling me.” I tried to convince him that way, I knew it wouldn’t work, so I thought of something else. “Besides, it’s not like I can’t go searching through the memory bank you dumped in my head and figure it out. If you know about it, then I’m sure somewhere in the mess of memories I’ll be able to find something to tell me.”

                “Even you, Jaemi, do not have those memories. Memories of such a thing as that are not shared during mind melds unless specifically called upon to verify the occurrence of the event and its effects. And I would not have given those memories to you specifically at all. You may be Jaemi Kirk, but you are not the Jaemi Kirk from my timeline.”

                Finally. I got him to slip! It wasn’t much, but it was something.

                “What would you and my counterpart have to do with what’s happening now to your counterpart?”

                “I have said too much already. I will not speak on this again. It is not my right to do so. If you wish to know, you must speak with my younger self on it, no one else.”

                “No one else, huh? Well that’s just dandy, cause your younger self doesn’t want to talk to me about it at all. You heard that much earlier.”

                “If you are referring to the conversation that took place with Sarek and T’Pau in the room I would disagree. This is a matter not spoken of even amongst our family. As my younger self said in that conversation and I have told you in this one, it is a private matter.”

                “Oh. I thought you guys meant like… no you said it just now. Wait, he’s not running off to take part in some crazy Vulcan voodoo ritual is he?”

                Old Spock looked at me in a way that both confirmed and denied the question. “It is not a ‘ _crazy Vulcan voodoo ritual_ ’” he said, quoting me and I could hear the italics in his voice, “but it is a private matter. We will not discuss this further.” His tone spoke of finality so much that I was almost scared to say what popped into my mind next. Almost, but I’m Jaemi Kirk, and sometimes, I talk before I think about what I’m saying.

                “Oh my god, he’s getting fucking married isn’t he? And he didn’t even invite me to the wedding! Bastard! That’s why he was so… off about me kissing him. Not just because I kissed him, but because he’s getting married. And that’s why he requested leave. Sneaky Vulcan bastard!”

                “Jaemi.”

                “Spock.”

                “You will not speak of this to anyone. Period. Unless that person is Spock, in which case, only if he chooses to speak with you on the matter.”

                “He totally is getting married, isn’t he? Well fuck, there goes your whole destiny thing, doesn’t it? I knew it was too good to be true.”

                “Jaemi.” His voice darkened then, almost sounding dangerous. And hell, if he wasn’t almost two hundred years old, though he certainly didn’t look like it, being half-Vulcan had its perks I guess, his tone of voice would have been slightly arousing, because I was kind of sick and twisted and liked dark and dangerous. But he was almost two hundred years old, so it just made me shiver a bit instead.

                “I’m going after him. He should have invited me. Regardless of the whole privacy thing. I’m his captain, I have a right to know if my fucking first officer is getting married. And, well HE said he kissed me back, even though I don’t remember any of it. You don’t kiss someone if you’re about to get married to someone else. Vulcan or not. I don’t think his new wife will appreciate that. I mean, Vulcans marry for life, right? So I hardly think that his new wife will appreciate being cheated on while they were engaged, and yeah, I know you guys don’t call it an engagement or whatever, but he obviously had this set up before we got her, or he wouldn’t be getting married now, right? So yeah, I feel it’s my duty, for the sake of females everywhere, to give my first officer a piece of my mind. Don’t try to stop me. I won’t let you.”

                I got up from the table in a fit of righteous indignation on behalf of the person who Spock was supposed to be marrying and women everywhere.

                I could have sworn I heard old Spock say “I would not try to.” As I stormed out of the kitchen towards his front door.


	12. Discreet, As If

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk finds out about Spock's private matters.

“Where is he?” I demanded of Sarek practically pushing one of his attendees to the side who’d just let me inside.

                “I presume you are inquiring after Spock?” He asked, not really a question, but it was. To me, it was a stall tactic, one that wouldn’t work.

                “Yes.” I said a little less demanding in tone, deciding maybe patience was the way to go after all. Sarek was unlikely to react to my defiant attitude and give in so easily, but maybe he would react to calmness. After all, he was standing perfectly straight, stoic as ever.

                “He is in seclusion.” Seclusion? What the fuck?

                “I need to speak with him.” I said, straining to keep in the anger and… okay outright fear that something was going on. Something… bad. Especially if he was in _seclusion_.

                “It is not possible.” Sarek responded, his tone as even and cool as ever. It was odd, standing in the entry way of his home, effectively cut off from a member of my crew. It made me nervous, twitchy. Spock was my responsibility, as much as he claimed I was his, and even though it was his dad blocking me off from him, I couldn’t help but feel threatened.

                “He is my first officer. If he is unwell, I have a right to know. As his captain, I should be made aware of situations like whatever is going on here.”

                “I understand. However, it is not safe for you to see him at current. May I suggest some tea?” Sarek responded, gesturing to the drawing room. I sighed, knowing that if I was going to get any more information from him, then it would be best to go along with his game for now.

                As it was, he was Spock’s dad. I didn’t see why he would willingly place Spock in danger, even if he was unwell. So I followed him into the room I was in earlier that day.

                “You know, if he’s unwell I need to inform Dr. McCoy so he can treat him.” I said, sitting down.

                “Dr. McCoy’s services will not be required.” He said before leaving the room to, I guessed, make the tea.

                When he returned he offered me a mug and I accepted it, realizing that he did not have one of his own and that my mug was much cooler than the one earlier had been. I didn’t drink it right away.

                “My son was correct when he informed you earlier that this is a private matter. However, as his captain, and daresay his friend, I believe you to be entitled to some information. There will be a ceremony of sorts at sunset tonight. It is closed to outsiders, as this information I am relaying to you is. I can make arrangements for you to be brought to the ceremony, discreetly of course, if you are amenable to it.” I took this in. Private matter, seclusion, ceremony (wedding most likely), Spock being a danger to me? Yeah, something really fucking weird was going on.

                “You said it wasn’t safe for me to be around him right now, yet there is a ceremony in what, about an hour and a half from what I noticed outside, which he is obviously going to take part in, and you are asking me to come watch it? An outsider who you just said doesn’t have the privilege to know of this private matter? Why?”

                “I am not alone in my hypothesis that should you attend the ceremony you would find the answers you seek. I am not, by our own customs, at liberty to discuss the matter any further. However, should you attend, I would warn you, what you will see may frighten you. That is, if you would attend.”

                “Oh, I’ll be going alright. It’s my job to know what’s going on with my officers when it interferes with their duties. And I’m just going to guess that whatever is going on definitely interferes, or at least it would if we hadn’t had the opportunity to take leave. Which I’m also guessing was pretty much done solely for the fact that something’s going on with Spock which forced him to take leave. Because he never takes leave, ever, and he requested it.”

                “You are as perceptive as was told.” Sarek replied, not bothering to deny anything, which just made me even more worried than I was before he replied.

                “Yeah, you’re not the first to point that out. So, I take it you still aren’t going to tell me where I can find Spock are you?”

                “Again your summations are correct.” He responded, and I had the strangest feeling just then. Like I did so often. Spock called it my leaps of logic, I called it intuition. But I had the feeling that Sarek, and probably old Spock, were up to something. Something that involved me and involved Spock too. Because, well why all the cryptic phrases and shit if when in all reality they could have just said ‘none o this concerns you go away’?

                “So, the ceremony that I shouldn’t know about but do and that you’re going to be sneaking me into, what do I need to wear?” Because, yeah, he had said I needed to be discreet, which was just Vulcan for ‘sneaky’.

                “The robes you are wearing currently should suffice. You are welcome to wait here until the time we are leaving.”

                “I thought you said it wasn’t safe for me to be around Spock right now. Wouldn’t leaving with you guys kind of negate the concern for my safety?” I asked, also wondering why the hell it wasn’t a big deal for me to be around him at this supposed ceremony, but I didn’t say that out loud.

                “He is already at the appointed place in seclusion awaiting the ceremony.” Sarek answered. Another cryptic turn of phrase.

                “The appointed place? Is that code for secret ceremony area or something?”

                “Or something. Enjoy your tea, captain. I will return one arrangements are made and we will commence to the appointed place discreetly.” Sarek replied coolly and rose to leave the room, basically telling me the discussion was over.

                That was fine. I could wait, even though I didn’t want to. Spock was obviously in danger of something, and apparently I was in danger of him for some reason. Something I didn’t believe whatsoever. Even when I had emotionally compromised him after Vulcan was destroyed and he had his hands around my neck trying to literally choke the life out of me, I still didn’t believe he would have killed me. In fact, there was something telling me he wouldn’t, which is why I never fought back. He would’ve come to his senses when I passed out from lack of air, of that I was and still remain sure of.

                So I sat in Sarek’s house wondering just what the hell was going on. Old Spock hadn’t denied my accusation that my Spock was getting married. Sarek had confirmed that a ceremony of some sort was taking place but did not say what was going on. Each of them said it was a private matter, and even Vulcans that I’d met didn’t deny the fact they had spouses if they were married, not that I’d really actually met that many Vulcans who were married, because most of all the Vulcans I’d met were seriously grieving at the super recent loss of their planet and millions of their people. Asking if they were married wasn’t really on the top of my to-do list when speaking with them.

                Then there was the cryptic and stupid, I thought, message that Spock was dangerous to me. Sarek hadn’t said he was dangerous to anyone else, which was odd. I didn’t ask him for clarification and maybe I should have, but he obviously didn’t think he was dangerous to anyone else because he’d entertained us earlier. Which made me wonder again, because, well, Spock seemed, while tense, in control of himself earlier in the day. What could have possibly happened to make him so much more dangerous to me now? But then there was the whole, ‘he’s in seclusion’ thing which kind of just said he didn’t want to or need to be around other people, but he was going to be during the inferred marriage ceremony. And who the hell was he getting allegedly, by me, married to anyway? Wouldn’t whoever he’s getting married to be in more danger than me? That was surely something that needed to be answered.

                One thing I hated about this planet, and probably would have been worse if we on Vulcan if it hadn’t been destroyed, was the heat. It was making it hard to think. And since we’d been planet-side, the heat had only gotten worse. It felt like my blood was starting to boil with each passing hour. Making me irritable and jittery, even if I hadn’t just barely consumed the equivalent of six cups of coffee with old Spock. You’d think that as the day started winding down it’d get cooler, but no, even inside the temperature seemed to be rising. Which didn’t really make any sense, because, well, environmental controls and all that.

                It was about that time, when I felt like I was surely going to pass out from the ever increasing temperature that Sarek came back into the room.

                “It is time.” He said, standing in the doorway. Surely it hadn’t already been almost an hour and a half? “We will need to leave now to make it to the appointed place in time to be discreet.”

                I rose from the chair, almost unwillingly, the heat had gotten ten times worse in the last twenty minutes than it had been all day. I didn’t understand it, but maybe I was just coming down with something. Maybe a weird allergic reaction to something in the air, God only knew how many allergies I had. I thought about declining and going back to the ship to talk to Bones, but then I wouldn’t find out just what the hell was going on, and surely I could wait a bit longer to address my health. Bones definitely wouldn’t let me go back planet-side if there really was something here causing a strange allergic reaction, and if I passed out he’d find out anyway.

                Yeah, I would go and find out what was going on and address this possible allergic reaction later.

                “Alright.” I stood up and walked towards him, stumbling at the last second when he caught me. The sleeves of my robes had been pushed up with the combination of the fall and him catching my arm and his hand was now resting on my skin. “I’m fine, thanks.” I tried to brush it off, but damn Vulcan telepathy.

                “This is not an allergic reaction. We must leave immediately.” Sarek said, and his tone did not sound as controlled as usual, it was laced with an undertone of recognition, as if he knew what was going on. “I do.” He said, responding to my thoughts, his hand was still on my arm. I stood up releasing myself from his grip, mentally cursing Vulcan telepathy, but thankful I hadn’t been thinking anything too embarrassing.

                “No? Well that’s good to know. But you said we need to leave, we should probably do that.”

                And so we did. I climbed into the flitter he had waiting outside of his house after he told me to raise my hood so that it covered my face in shadow. I guess that was about as discreet as I could be, considering. There was about five minutes in the flitter, whizzing past the city in a blur and into what looked like desert wilderness, before we finally stopped. I didn’t understand how it was possible, but it just seemed to be getting hotter and hotter. It was almost as if I could see red when I opened my eyes. To have this happen, gradually all day and then feel a sudden onslaught of heat, was barely tolerable.

                We exited the flitter and walked into what seemed like a cave of sorts, except it wasn’t a cave, it was a naturally formed entry way of sorts, opening into what could only have been terraformed because it didn’t look natural. It was a circular arena looking place, but without seats. And in the middle was a large vertical rock, the same as what was around the opening as walls, and hanging from the rock looked like a gong, complete with the gong hammer hanging next to it.

                Some people, all Vulcans of course, were already standing on the edges of the wall, waiting. I followed closely behind Sarek, sweating off whatever fat did happen to be on my body, I’m sure, until he stopped at a section of the surrounding reddish rock wall next to a rock-formed chair. The rock-formed chair was unoccupied, but it looked more like a throne, and the only person I knew among the surviving Vulcans that would rank high enough to occupy a throne was T’Pau, the leader of the high council and surviving colony of the Vulcans. I tried to connect dots I knew existed, but the heat was so overwhelming it was taking most of my concentration to just stand up straight and appear to be Vulcan enough so as not to attract attention.

                I didn’t have to concentrate long, because a couple minutes passed and then I heard music from the right side of the circular opening. I guess there was more than one entrance to the weird place, because the music soon had owners, a line of Vulcans, what could only be described as a procession, were walking through it and at the head of said procession was T’Pau. T’Pau walked over to the chair we were standing close to and sat down while the procession circled around the walls of the area, depositing Vulcans on the way until the last person, Spock, was drawn to the middle of the area, next to the rock which the gong was hanging from.

                The music stopped. T’Pau stood and everyone, including myself, looked over to her.

                “ _Thee have come to the appointed place for marriage-or-challenge. Spock, son of Sarek, son of Skon thee has come upon thy time without a bond-mate in which to alleviate the fever. Does thee accept thine arranged match T’Pak, daughter of T’Pan, daughter of T’Prann who has been chosen for thee in the wake of the death of thine original bond-mates?_ ” I knew I could understand what was being said, which was odd still to me even now, but what was really odd was that the ‘ceremony’ seemed a bit… archaic and changed. Obviously it had to be changed, but I was suddenly really fucking pissed. Spock was getting fucking married, in the human sense of the term, and I was burning up with an unknown rage when the name of the Vulcan woman who was apparently arranged for him for some reason was, well, not me.

                It seemed like it took forever for Spock to respond, and he seemed to look right at me before he did. I knew he couldn’t see my face because my hood was covering it, but I could see him. He stepped up towards the gong thing hanging from the rock and placed a trembling hand on the gong’s surface, not actually making a sound.

                If Vulcans could gasp in surprise I’m sure it would have happened because when he did that half of the Vulcans in the area turned away and started to leave.

                “ _Thee has chosen the kalifee. Is there another which thee has chosen for the bonding, or does thee wish to die in the fever?_ ” T’Pau’s voice rang out while the Vulcans who had turned around and started to leave seemed to walk just a bit faster towards their exit. I swore she sounded angry, even if her voice seemed even. She’d stood in response to Spock’s, apparently surprising decision.

                “ _I have no desire to bond with T’pak._ ” Spock answered, his voice shaky and angry, full of more inflection than I’d ever heard out of a Vulcan.

                A hooded and robed man stepped up to the chair in which T’Pau stood in front of. I heard a barely audible intake of breath from her, which was completely out of character for a Vulcan, especially from what I knew of T’Pau. The hooded Vulcan stepped away without once revealing his face.

                “ _Thee has chosen to die rather than bond. The fever will consume thee._ ” The heat that was so overwhelming seemed to surge within me then, even though T’Pau had said this once before. I didn’t understand it but suddenly my feet were moving of their own accord, running, my hood falling in the process, towards Spock.

                “NO!” I shouted, stopping just short of Spock. His eyes widened and his nose flared in reaction. His arm started to reach out, almost as if beyond his control, trembling before he snatched it back to his side. His hands became fists and shook at his sides. “You will not die! I forbid it!”

                “Leave me in peace, captain. I shall, for I will not take a bond-mate from someone who can assist in repopulating the Vulcan race.” Spock returned, his voice shaking and rough.

                “What the hell, Spock? Why didn’t you tell me about this? Why do you have to die? I don’t understand!”

                “You should not even be here, captain. It is forbidden. I… you must leave. I cannot control myself at the moment.” His voice shook even more, trembling and raw with emotion. He was begging me to leave him to die from whatever this fever was, and I couldn’t deny it, his heat was excruciating, coming off him in waves, almost drowning out the heat that I felt.

                “ _No!”_ I shouted in High Vulcan now, for reasons unknown to me. I raised my hand to him, to touch his face. I caressed his face and he tried to turn away but couldn’t. “ _I burn._ ” I said, not really understanding what was happening now, the heat surrounding me, coming off of him, making me almost delirious.

                Spock’s eyes suddenly found mine, wider than ever. Was it shock, rage, fear? I didn’t know. But any response he could have had was swallowed when T’Pau’s voice rang out in the clearing.

                “ _Is thee bonded to the human female Captain Kirk, Spock-am?_ ” She practically shouted.

                There was no time for a response, because something snapped. Something that can only be described as primal. Spock looked at me, in a feverish fit, and his hand suddenly grasped tightly around the wrist of mine which was still touching his face. I felt it, the snap, and the heat I was feeling increased ten-fold when his bare hand came into contact with my skin. I felt a jolt of electricity, not unlike the soft buzzing I’d experienced in the past few days, but much more concentrated.

                “ _MINE!”_ He shouted in High Vulcan, his hand around my wrist was shaking worse, he seemed to be attempting to fight it. “ _I burn for thee.”_ He whimpered, lowering my hand from his face, but not releasing his grip. It was as if two parts of himself were fighting for control over the other. “Leave, captain. You cannot remain.” He strained in Standard.

                Somewhere, I couldn’t discern where because most of my attention was stolen to Spock and the boiling heat I felt, threatening to make me pass out, I heard a voice.

                “ _They are indeed bonded, T’Sai. It was as I speculated._ ”

                “ _How is this possible? Did thee arrange for her presence here? Did thee know he would refuse the arranged one with her presence here?”_

_“I suspected as much, but if he was truly bonded to her, he would not have been able to complete the marriage bond with T’Pak. He must now complete the bond with the captain or die. Would you refuse this bonding?”_

_“He may yet choose not to bond with her. Or she may refuse.”_

“Spock, I’m staying here. I won’t let you die. Tell me, what do I need to do?” I said, half realizing that someone was slowly approaching.

                “ _Thee does not understand our ways.”_ T’Pau said, suddenly standing beside me.

 _“MINE!”_ Spock shouted again and grabbed me to move me behind him so quickly I didn’t understand what had happened until he was crouched in front of me, in an attack position against his own grandmother.

                “SPOCK!” I screamed, but he didn’t react.

                “ _Calm thyself, Spock-am. I am not a threat. Does thee wish to bond with her?”_ I had to give T’Pau credit, because even in my heated half delirium, Spock looked ready to kill and she just stood there, stoic and calm. Although she did look worried.

                He started to straighten from his crouch. “ _I… I regret my actions, ko’meck-il. I am fastly loosing control. She must be removed, I… I cannot be allowed to harm her.”_ Harm me, really, Spock, I thought. I’m tougher than that.

                Instead of responding to Spock T’Pau looked to me. “ _Does thee consent to bond with Spock, to save him from the fires of the fever, and mate with him? To be his and only his? You may refuse, it is thine own choice.”_ She asked, in high Vulcan.

                And what choice did I really have? They were saying he was going to die if he didn’t… bond or whatever. Mate? Yeah, I’m pretty sure I understood what that meant, because I felt the pure unadulterated lust bleeding from him through the contact he still held with one hand around my wrist. Shit, I felt the same way, I realized now he could feel it from me too, and flushed even more than I already was because of how hot I was feeling.

                “ _I will not let him die.”_  I answered her, meeting her concerning gaze defiantly. Trying to convey how devoted I was to that fact. And would it really be that terrible? I mean, I did love him. So what if he didn’t love me too? So what if all he was feeling was a super charged lust probably brought on by whatever fever was being spoken of. If it meant him living, I would do it. Hell, I would do it if he wanted me anyway, fever or no fever.

                “ _Then thee shall sound the gong of marriage. This will invoke the blood fever, and thee will be taken.”_ T’Pau said, and I started to feel Spock’s grasp on my wrist tighten. Before he could hold me captive completely I acted. I spun around, grabbed the mallet and slammed it against the gong. I didn’t even know what was going on, a fever of my own starting to spike uncontrollably.

                Then it happened. T’Pau receded back to the chair and Spock grabbed hold of both my hands, facing me. His eyes were wide, pupils dilated beyond belief, and his hands even hotter on my wrists yet.

                “ _Come forth.”_ T’Pau commanded. And Spock released one of my hands, moving as to stand beside me, and started to walk towards her, practically dragging me along with him. I knew, somehow, he wasn’t in control of his actions now, it was instinct, pure and simple. So I followed him as well. “ _Kneel.”_ T’Pau said when we reached her. Spock knelt, I did as well.

                She placed her fingertips on our temples and specific places, what I later came to know as the psi points.

                The feel of another mind pushing into mine was quite different than when old Spock performed his mind meld. His was quick and fierce, not completely unlike this, but his pushed forth and connected with mine harshly, not searching but informing. T’Pau’s mind was connecting and searching for specific information, for what she called a bond.

                It was fast and slow all at the same time. I felt the push, past any barriers that I may have erected, which I knew I had, because it felt like walking through water, but only if I was the water. She worked skillfully, and I saw a tiny thread appear in my mind, it was gold and thin, almost invisible.

                She’d said it was a bond that was practically invisible, would have been unnoticeable to me, but that Spock would have seen it. I made sure to mark that in my mind and come back to it later on, after saving Spock’s life. The bond itself, when she pulled up memories faster than I could process them, she said had been made unintentionally, and I guess I would have to ask Spock later on when he regained his control and his mind about how that happened and when he found out about it and why he didn’t tell me about it.

                But what she did do, she changed the bond, twisted it, strengthened the attachment, and I suddenly felt hotter than I had even before, like my blood was truly boiling, and I also felt a tidal wave of lust, need, and want that wasn’t mine. It was Spock’s.

                “ _It is done._ ” T’Pau finally said and she rose. I guess I only half realized that she left the area as well as the rest of the remaining Vulcans, which weren’t many, and suddenly Spock and I were alone.

                When he looked at me I knew then and there, the heat was getting to him too. His eyes were dilated so far that they no longer looked brown, but black, his nose was flared, and his cheeks and ears were flushed green.

                He whispered one word before everything started to become a medley of memories.

“ _MINE!”_


	13. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Pon Farr

                He wouldn’t look at me when it was finished. He’d tried to slip out of the room into and probably out of the entire apartment like dwelling while I slept.

                I was hot, hotter than hot, but cooler than I had been at the beginning. I was blood, sweat, and bruises. None of which were of any concern, although Bones might disagree. I relished in them. I wasn’t the only one either. Spock looked just as disheveled.

                “Spock?” I asked, in barely a whisper. My throat was dry, I was craving water. It hadn’t lasted as long as the apartment was apparently prepared for by the looks of the supplies in it, but it wasn’t short either.

                He was standing in the door way of the room, his back turned to me in what was clearly shame. He couldn’t bear to look at me, and I could feel it, the shame. He was trying to control that part of the newly formed bond, to block me off from his emotions, but as he had just come out of the worst of the fever his control was still shaky, allowing me access to his emotions. It was fear, shame, guilt, and terror all rolled in one.

                 My memory might be a bit hazy due to the fever I experienced as well, which made me marvel at the fact that I had experienced it at all- something I would save for a later conversation, but I knew one thing. He didn’t hurt me like he thought he had. Sure, I was bruised, but so was he. Sure I had a bit of blood in some places, from his bites, but so did he. I wasn’t exactly a gentle kitten during the blood fever lust filled passionate love making we’d just spent the last over twenty-four hours engrossed in. Something I guess he didn’t realize, because so much of his concentration was being taken up by trying not to look at me and trying to block me that he couldn’t even pay attention to what I was feeling.

                “Spock.” I said more forcefully, willing him to turn around and look at me.

                He did. His eyes were full of the emotions he was trying so desperately to suppress and control. The emotions he would not allow his face to show, that he was attempting to block the bond from revealing.

                “Spock. I’m fine. Promise.” I half whispered, pleading with him to not walk away. Trying to make him understand that I wanted to do this. That I couldn’t not do it. That a large part of me, maybe most of me, did not do it just to keep him alive. That I would have willingly done this because of how I feel for him. Because there was that deeper more universal part of my soul that I’d been trying to suppress myself. Trying to convey that I did in fact love him, even if I didn’t say it while sober.

                “Your appearance suggests otherwise, captain. I apologize for your predicament. I shall make arrangements to so that you will not have to suffer further by my hands.” He finally responded. His voice was strained, rough, and full of anger and guilt at himself.

                “It’s Jaemi, Spock. I’m fine. I’m not the only one roughed up by some pretty awesome crazy sex. Look at yourself.” I smiled for him. He looked painfully at me as in disbelief of my words. “I’m serious. You’re not the only one who knows how to play rough.” I laughed.

                He looked at himself, half naked because he’d apparently had the forethought to put some sort of pants on before he was going to walk out of the room and the apartment while I slept, assuming he didn’t think I would wake. His eyes widened in disbelief as he saw the green-yellow bruises on his chest, his arms, the bite marks I’d left on the places he could see. His hands searching the places couldn’t see in confirmation of the tenderness of skin he no doubt felt.

                “It appears you have defended yourself against a most brutal attack. I- I apologize for what I have unwillingly put you through. I was careless. I shall endeavor not to do so again.” He turned around quickly, trying to escape. Apparently my idea that he should look at himself had the opposite effect intended.

                “Spock!” He stopped, halfway out the door. “Wait!” I moved to get out of the bed, not bothering to draw the sheets up around me to cover myself. I really was sore, that much was evident. My legs were shaky, my core was aching, and the spot in between my legs cried out in pain but I didn’t let it stop my advance to him. “Stop feeling guilty, and don’t say you don’t because I can feel that you do.” He turned around and looked at me then, an eyebrow raised in shock, before his eyes scanned my nakedness. “I wanted to do this. It was my choice. You didn’t hurt me, at least no more than I did you. So stop. I can do this. We can do this. I want to do this.” I reached for his face, taking a leap of faith, surprised by how hot he still felt to the touch when I cupped my hand on his cheek. He flinched at the contact, but didn’t back away. Hope. “I could have said no, I could have let you try to meditate it out, yes I know now you wanted to try that as opposed to bonding with someone, but I didn’t. I wanted to do this. For you.”

                I tried to let him know through the contact, through the bond he was trying to but failing to block completely, that I was speaking the truth. That I was sincere. That it wasn’t just about him dying, but that I would never have let him die. That I wasn’t afraid of him, and that I still desired him, even now. It must’ve been too much for him to handle, I wasn’t really that sure about how to communicate telepathically yet, because his hand found mine on his face and removed it delicately.

                “You should not have had to do this. I should have recognized the signs sooner. I am only thankful that my heritage did not make you suffer longer, as if I were fully Vulcan you would have had to endure days of this torture I have inflicted on you. I know you acted so because you did not wish for me to perish due to the blood fever, but the bond can be broken and I shall find another more suited to the throes of Vulcan passions.”

                His voice was pained, and I could feel that part of him meant every word he said, yet part of him did not wish to comply with the meaning. Perhaps it was a lingering effect of the fever dying down but not quite completely broken, but as his eyes scanned my naked body I could also feel his desire to take me again even as I could feel his regret from having done so already.

                “Spock. I am suited for this. Quite obviously.” I was starting to get angry now. “And we apparently already had a bond, though I’m not quite sure how. So obviously I am well suited for the task of being your mate. The fact that you don’t want me, well frankly, it fucking hurts. I would do this a hundred times over if I had to, and for the much longer days you suggest would be the case if you weren’t half human also. Your mother obviously could handle it with a full Vulcan, what makes you think that I can’t? I’m standing here, aren’t I?” I was angry, but I tried to pull up every ounce of lust and desire I felt for him and slam it into him as I brought my hand from my side where he had put it and placed it on his chest.

                The effect was instantaneous. His eyes widened, his nose flared, and he stiffened at the contact and onslaught of my emotions. My desire. My lust. He made a step towards me, perhaps unconsciously because it was so small.

                “Can’t you feel that? That’s what I feel for you. You maybe wanna do something about that?” I pushed at him again with everything I felt, through the bond and through the skin to skin contact. Aching for a reaction from him, needing one. “You can deny me all you want verbally, but I can still feel you through the bond, however much you’re trying to block me from it. Stop feeling guilty. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If I didn’t want you before I knew about the danger to your life, well, I wouldn’t have practically forced myself in this position, now would I? I want you. And I know part of you wants me too. So take me, willingly.”

                It must have been the right thing to say and do because his lips came crashing down suddenly in a fit of madness and passion. He forced my mouth to open for him, not waiting for my compliance even though I would have given it, and I let him in. Our tongues clashed with each other, fighting, dancing. I could feel the heat of his desire swell up once more, except this time I was coherent enough to understand what was happening.

                It was my turn to be forceful, to reassure him that this is what I wanted. I moved my arms around him and pushed myself into him as close as I could get. I could feel his body responding, even as his emotions rebelled against what was happening. I could feel the bulge of his warmth against my stomach. I moved my arms around his neck and used his weight to allow me to jump and wrap my legs around his waist, still kissing him with mad passion.

                He moved, walking towards the bed I had just vacated and settled me down with him above me, not breaking the kiss. I broke out for air and started nibbling at his jaw, his neck, my hands pushing up through his hair, caressing his ears, trying to keep him in the moment, forcing him to understand I wanted this desperately. Needing him.

                He responded in kind and I moved my hands down to the hem of his pants, stroking the skin of his defined abdomen before tugging them down. I knew I was already wet and ready for him and I didn’t want to wait any longer. I needed him inside of me as much as I needed air to breathe. And I wanted him to know it. I forced him to know it.

                He stopped kissing and biting on my neck long enough to assist me in the process of removing his pants and finally he was gloriously naked above me. I looked up at him with lust filled glazed eyes mapping out the body I had already come to somewhat know over the past day. He was as glorious in body as he was in mind and soul and I relished in the fact that he was mine as much as I was his.

                “Jaemi.” My name crossed his lips as a plea, a curse, a need. He was trying to ask me not to do this at the same time begging for my assurance.

                “Yes. Spock. I need you. Now.” I replied breathily.

                That was all he needed apparently because he descended on me suddenly, his mouth finding mine, his hands finding mine. Both kissing, asking, pleading, needing. The human way and the Vulcan way. I shifted my hands down below his hips, grabbing at his huge and swollen bulge and stroked fast and hard. He growled in response as his hand overtook mine and guided it to my center.

                With one hard thrust I felt him inside of me, taking what was his, possessing my body as he already possessed my mind, heart, and soul and I cried out in pleasure.

                It was a pure physical need. His thrusts were hard, fast, and my hips bucked into him to keep it going as such. His mouth and hands were everywhere on me as mine were on him. As my nails marked his back his right hand came up to the left side of my face and our minds were suddenly and gloriously one mind.

                In that meld I felt everything he felt like a tsunami. Need, want, desire. Guilt, shame, anger. Passion and lust. Affection, admiration, and something that was so much more than love. And then I knew what I had been doubting from the hazy memories of our first full joining during the fever. As I felt what he felt I could feel that he felt what I did. The same emotions reflected back, exactly the same. And the electrifying pleasure was ten-fold of the physical. It was intoxicating, almost too much at once.

                I had wave after wave of orgasm and just as the last one was approaching, bigger and more than each one before I could feel him starting to reach his final climax as well. His thrusts were harder, faster, and deeper than ever and in one final thrust he cried out in pleasure my name a wave from his lips as he swelled within me emptying himself deeply, spent.

                “Spock.” I finally whispered as he collapsed on top of me. “I love you.” I said gasping for air to refill my lungs.

                He didn’t respond right away, just breathing heavily, calming himself with each breath as he slowly gained control again.

                “[ **Taluhk nash-veh k'dular**](http://www.starbase-10.de/vld/main.php?cmd=details&id=10407).” I cherish thee, he returned in high Vulcan before promptly falling asleep.

                I had to laugh at myself. Spock literally fell asleep on top of me while still buried inside of me after sex. Yeah, some things were definitely universal for sure.

                I decided to make use of the time that he was sleeping to wash and eat. I found clothes hidden in cabinets of a room that acted as a kitchen/living room of the apartment like place, which I guess had been placed here for just the circumstance of replacing torn garments. It was a good thing too, because mine were in shreds. I suspected that he had found his pants there earlier when he attempted to sneak out of the room while I slept.

                I didn’t know how to feel about it. I knew he was still going to feel guilty, especially because I had taken advantage of his lack of control even though he had been more lucid in the receding flames of the blood fever. For that, I almost felt guilty. But I needed it as much as I knew he needed it. I needed a good well-formed memory of this time with him because the feverish memories I had were hazy, bordering on dream-like, and I knew they would recede into just that if I didn’t have at least one good lucid memory.

                When I came back from the bathroom of the place, having finally washed and dressed, back to the room in which we’d slept, Spock was nowhere to be found. I panicked. Did he run away after all? Had he left to make good on his earlier promise I thought I’d talked, well maybe not talked, him out of?

                I was stressed for nothing, or so it seemed. Spock walked back into the room, fully garbed in Vulcan robes, and seemingly in complete control of himself.

                “We should not linger any longer than is necessary. There are not many of these dwellings surrounding the _koon-ut-kalifee_ place. It would be wise to vacate immediately so someone might come to ready the apartment for another in need.” Spock said. And it dawned on me in complete form finally. This area was set up, just outside the arena like place I’d intercepted him at yesterday, was it yesterday, for specific use. For the blood fever. For mates to fully bond in every sense of the word.

                “You’re right. Um, what about…” I trailed off, looking to the bed and the torn clothing.

                Sensing my question he answered, “It is something they are accustomed to, I assure you. It is traditional to leave in haste and join with our family. That being said, I should also inform you, though I gather you already have inferred, we do not speak of this time. I was not untruthful when I told you it is a private matter. We will not speak of it even to my father. No one will ask questions.” He finished.

                “Okay.” I said, starting towards the door of the room and to leave the apartment.

“Although,” he paused at the door, “T’Pau will want to verify the completion of the marriage bond.” He said coolly, completely even and I realized I could not feel him whatsoever through the bond that had been created. He was blocking me. I felt a pang of sadness creep up but was too shocked by what he’d said to give it more than a fleeting thought.  

                I stared at him open mouthed. I knew what had happened, of course, but it hadn’t really sunk in. Not until he said it aloud. We were technically married by Vulcan standards now. Actually married. It could be recognized by the Federation and Starfleet with the proper paperwork, which no doubt had already been drafted and was waiting for us as soon as we would arrive at Sarek’s home. I was actually married to Spock.

                "If you desire the bond to be severed it is something that can be done, however there are risks.” Spock offered in response to my hanging mouth. He probably thought I was appalled at the idea of being married to him. Hell, he was probably appalled at the idea of being technically, no truly, married to me. I couldn’t know for sure because he was the epitome of emotional control and blocking the bond from his end completely.

                “You’re blocking the bond. I don’t know how it works, really. But I felt you earlier, when you were trying to block it and weren’t completely able to. I don’t feel you now.”

                “Yes. It is… I do not wish to share my emotions at the moment, they would not be welcome to you, I assure you. We must depart.” He said, turning around and leaving through the room’s open door. I followed.

                “You don’t know that.” I said, but he didn’t respond, simply kept walking, leading me through the apartment and out towards a door I didn’t remember if we’d come in through.

                There was a flitter waiting outside for us. It must’ve been there the whole time, or maybe Spock had found a communicator and called for it. Either way we entered in silence and I tried to adopt the Vulcan control I was so sure would have been the norm. We sat next to each other, but not touching. We didn’t speak the entire short ride back to his home, to Sarek’s home.

                When we arrived Sarek, T’Pau, and old Spock were waiting for us. I guess Spock must have commed them as well as for a flitter, or maybe they’d sent the flitter to pick us up. I felt curiously awkward. It was like going home to meet the parents but with a dirty secret that everyone knew and didn’t talk about it.

                They were sitting in the sitting room, drawing room, whatever when we were shown inside, all silent, waiting. I couldn’t help but be nervous, especially since Spock looked as tense as hostage negotiation would be with the Romulan Star Empire if they took hostages.

                “ _I shall confirm thy marriage bond._ ” T’Pau said in Vulcan before we could sit down. “ _Attend me young ones._ ” So we walked forward to her, “ _kneel,_ ” she commanded and we knelt. “ _I must meld with thee to inspect the bond. First separately and then together._ ” T’Pau informed, only to me, as Spock no doubt knew that little piece of information, but then she had a statement meant for Spock and Spock alone, although she knew I could understand her, Spock stiffened as she spoke. “ _You cannot be blocking the bond when I do so, Spock-am._ ”

                And then I felt her push into my mind. It was gentle, done with finesse, and simple. She wasn’t looking for nothing in particular, and I also knew a bit more of what to do. I visualized my version of the bond and she looked at it within our minds, saw what was now a cord, wrapped around my body in purposeful intertwining knots and then projected from my waist into the space beyond visual perception, to Spock’s mind. She did the same with Spock, separately, before she joined our minds together to inspect the bond one last time.

                When she brought Spock’s consciousness into my own I felt him lower his head on the physical plane as much as I saw it within my own mind before I could feel his emotions. He was filled with immense shame and severe guilt once more.

                “ _Thy bond is strong and healthy. I shall retreat from the meld._ ” And she did. Suddenly I was brought back into the real world and I could no longer feel Spock in my mind. It was… an emptiness. A hollow void which I wished to fill with his presence once more, even if all I could get from him was hurtful, it would at least be something.

                “ _I wish to sever the bond, komehk-il._ ” He finally spoke. We were both still kneeling in front of T’Pau. I was collecting myself from the invasion into my mind and the sudden gain than complete loss of Spock’s presence.

                “What?” I couldn’t bear to answer in Vulcan. “Just like that, Spock?” I said in anger, true anger, before I quickly reeled it in. The pain I felt from that statement was so much worse than anything I could have felt based on his emotions. Those I could understand, sort of, or at least try. But actually wanting to sever the bond? I had given him myself, freely, everything of myself, and wanted to keep him from harm in the future. He would so easily throw this away?  

“ _It would not be easily done._ ” T’Pau finally informed Spock after releasing me from her cold but not impassionate gaze. “ _Thy bond is unusually strong, for one so newly formed. There would be… complications at best. Worst, the bond severance would be lethal to thy aduna._ ” The implication was made that she disapproved, then she said as much. “ _Thee would cast out this one who selflessly gave herself to thee? This one who so clearly has the strongest of adoration for thee? This one whose mind is an equal and highly compatible to thine own? I would caution thee against such foolishness._ ”

“ _It would be foolish not to try. I could… hurt her worse than I already have, komehk-il._ ” Spock argued, but not in anger, his voice now clearly held desperation, and I wasn’t the only one in the room who could hear it through his usual control. I didn’t need to feel his emotions to know this. It still hurt.

“ _Thee has not hurt her yet. A bond severing would surely exactly as thee would prevent. I have approved of thy match, even before it was made, and thee would defy my approval once more?”_ Something struck Spock harder than a 2x4 hitting him in the face because even I felt the mental whiplash he’d just experienced as his shields buckled and the bond opened up slightly in response to T’Pau’s declaration. It only lasted a moment, but I realized, he’d thought that T’Pau had only allowed us to bond to save his life, not that she actually approved of me as a life-mate.

“She is not the only one, my son. I too have approved of this match. Captain Kirk is uniquely suited to our mind, as well as your life. There is none among the colony who could provide such compatibility for you, in any regard.” Sarek said. I was thanking him silently for speaking in standard, although I couldn’t imagine why. He knew as well as everyone here that I would have understood him in his own language. Then he added while Spock was still too shocked to say anything. “Jaemisen Kirk also… loves you. I do not believe you will find that among any Vulcan woman, especially as you share the sentiment.”

“Father.” Spock almost growled at him. “Then why did you send another in her place originally? Why did you not make the initial plans for the _koon-ut-kalifee_ with Captain Kirk instead of humiliating T’Pak and myself?” Spock finally stood, daring Sarek to answer, but knowing he would.

“Spock. My son. You fail to see the logic in this choice. Do as you must, but remember, a bond severance must be done with the consensus of both partners. As the captain’s life is in danger if you attempt to sever the bond in any case, I caution you against this. Do not act in haste.” Sarek approved too? Hell, what did I miss? When did these people decide I was good enough for Spock?

Spock looked at his father with what I would describe as his incredulous expression. His eyebrow was raised and his eyes widened. “I do not see the logic in this course of action. You have willingly put the captain in danger. It is only by chance that she did not sustain more serious injuries. I- I cannot allow that to happen.” He bent his head down in shame.

“I was married to your mother for many years. She was not grossly injured. I would have you review your logic in this matter, son. For it is evident you care for Jaemi” Sarek’s voice was little more than a soft whisper and even I could detect the emotion behind it. I was Jaemi now, making it more personal, which I guessed was Sarek’s goal.

“Some things are universal. The universe is attempting to correct itself in the wake of Nero’s destruction, Spock. This was meant to be.” Old Spock finally added.

“The universe was altered when Nero and you went back in time, creating and alternate timeline. I do not see how the _universe_ is attempting to correct itself. That would imply a pre-destined fate to which no Vulcan would ever admit to being truth.” Spock retorted angrily.

In all this time no one had even thought to address me and Spock was very carefully not looking at me, as if he would lose his resolve to effectively divorce me by Vulcan standards. Would it be that bad? Being married to me? I guess he thought so, because he was defying logic by wanting the bond broken. Did he even care about how I felt? He kept saying it was dangerous for me to be bonded, because of the _pon farr_ but we both had empirical evidence which countered that conclusion. It led me to believe that he didn’t want me after all. I decided to speak up anyway.

“You know, not once have you even asked me what I think. What I want. What I feel like I can handle. And you know what, I don’t much care for being in danger if the bond is severed. Something everyone else here seems to think is a strong possibility.” Spock finally turned his head to look at me. “So block the bond all you want, turn away from me, and pretend like it doesn’t exist. I don’t care. But I’ve died once already, I really don’t feel like repeating the process, as I’m sure if I died again it would be a permanent thing, seeing as how Bones doesn’t have another augment from which to transfuse blood into my body a second time.” I huffed out. I stormed out of the room and I could hear someone following but I didn’t turn around until after I left the house.

“Jaemi.” It was old Spock’s voice calling to me from behind.

“I can’t do this, old friend.” I said, turning around to face him outside of Sarek’s home. “I love him. He knows it now, I know he felt it. I also know that he loves me too, which just makes this even harder. I won’t allow him to sever the bond, not yet, because I really don’t feel like dying from that. If I die, I want to die in space, for a reason. Not because Spock can’t deal with having emotions and being scared to hurt me. I get hurt all the time. It’s part of the job. But this? This hurts far worse than anything else ever could.”

I knew it was wrong, when he stepped forward and embraced me in what was technically a public setting, but I couldn’t help it when I sagged into his arms and cried into his chest. I wasn’t lying when I said this did hurt far worse than anything else had before.

“You know what I don’t understand.” I started once the tears died down and I removed myself from the embrace. “I don’t understand how we had any type of bond prior to the… well you know. T’Pau said we did. I’m guessing you guys knew that for sure beforehand and that what happened wouldn’t have been able to happen if it didn’t exist. Wanna tell me how you knew?”

“You are perceptive as always, Jaemi. Very well. I knew the bond existed because it was a byproduct of the meld I did with you following the destruction of Vulcan. I did not intend to create such a bond, however, it did happen. Due to my presence in this universe essentially as a double of a _katra_ already existing, the bond that was formed reached out to the nearest _katra_ which was Spock’s and attached itself there, waiting. I cannot apologize for this, because I know that your bonding with my younger self is truly a fateful occurrence. However, I will apologize on my younger self’s behalf, for his behavior and reaction to such a thing. It took many years for your counterpart and myself to realize that we were compatible, and that we harbored romantic feelings for one another. We had a long-standing friendship that was tempered by many years spent together before we finally bonded in full. My younger counterpart and you have not had this opportunity to grow as deeply in friendship prior to the bond. This I apologize for, but it could not be helped. He would not have survived the meditation during the _plak-tow_.”

I stared at him, shocked by what he revealed. The bond, yeah I guess that made sense. He wasn’t sorry for the relationship, well, I guess that made sense too. I remember the pure anguish he felt when he saw me, the emotions of which passed through the meld. I knew how much he loved my counterpart in his universe, more than loved, and I guess I could get behind him wanting that for his counterpart, my Spock, the relationship that is. The bond. But, at the same time, my Spock had a point, this universe had been altered, perhaps he would have been happier not being bonded to me. We just didn’t know.

“I should go back to the ship. I know there’s still some shore leave left, but I really should just go back to the ship. You wouldn’t happen to have my communicator would you, old friend?” I needed to get off the planet, away from the colony. Home. And the only place I could ever call home was the Enterprise.

He reached into his robes and pulled out a communicator.

“Yes, this is yours. Please, feel free to visit back again before you leave. I would be gratified with your company one last time before you and your crew depart.” He handed me the communicator but his hand lingered in mine when he passed it to me. To anyone looking at us it would look like a handshake almost, except, I knew better now, and to a Vulcan, it would look like a kiss. Through the contact I felt what he did not say.

He was sorry for the way this had turned out. He was irritated at his younger self. He loved me, maybe not quite in the same way as he loved my counterpart, but he still loved me. He desired my happiness, desired it with his younger self.

“I will speak to him again.” He said finally, removing his hand from mine and raising it in the Vulcan salute. “Live long and prosper my friend.”

I returned the salute. “Peace and long life old friend.”

“Kirk to enterprise.” I flipped open the communicator.

“Enterprise here, captain.”

“One to beam up.” I said almost sadly.

“Your signal, captain?”

“Yeah. Energize.”

I felt the tingly warmth of my matter being transformed into energy and then I was standing on the transporter pad in the Enterprise. Scotty was there, at the transporter control. He looked at me curiously.

“Ye alright, captain?”

“Yeah, Scotty, I’m fine. Just tired. Listen, can you ask Bones to meet me in my quarters please? I’m not hurt, but I don’t want to worry him by paging him myself.” I must’ve sounded worse than I thought, because Scotty looked at me in disbelief for a moment before schooling his expression.

“O’course, captain.” He replied.

“Thanks, Scotty.” I was home, but it didn’t feel right anymore. Something was off. I was off. Spock wasn’t here. Things would be different, I knew this, but it didn’t mean I could wish they weren’t.

“Captain’s requesting you in her quarters. I think you’d better bring a bottle of the good stuff, she doesn’t look right.” I heard Scotty say when I had just barely exited the transporter room. Guess my crew was just as observant, just as smart. I couldn’t ask for better, but right now it worried me. If I was this transparent and Spock wasn’t even here, how transparent would I be when he did make it back to the ship?

 


End file.
